Ever So Slightly

I hear the engine start up, and we drive off in a stony silence, tension thicker than smog. After not even a minute, the car screeches to a stop, and I hear the jingle of keys, the engine dieing.

‘WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!’ a voice I can only recognise as Will’s practically screams at me. ‘FUCKING WALKING OFF AND COME HERE TO THIS - THIS SHITHOLE!’

I wince inwardly at the outburst, and sober up instantly. Not completely, not anywhere near it - but enough to regain my senses, enough to see Will’s anger and worry contorted face twist in front of me.

‘HOW DARE YOU JUST FUCKING LEAVE, NOT TELLING ME WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING, NOT EVEN CALLING ME TO LET ME KNOW YOU’RE NOT DEAD. I WAS WORRIED FUCKING SICK. AND THAT BASTARD IN THERE - YOU WERE SO FAR OUT OF YOUR DEPTH IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED - OR WORSE!’

My face is passive, my mind numb to his rage, but I can feel my own building up inside me pretty damn fast.

‘YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING CARE, DO YOU?’ He looks close to tears. ‘YOU DON’T CARE. YOU JUST THINK ITS ALRIGHT TO RUN OFF AND LET EVERYONE ELSE WORRY OVER YOU. WHEN YOU’D GONE I FUCKING THREW UP, AND THEN I GOT A CALL OF GABE TELLING ME HE’D SEEN YOU. WITH SOME GUY. AND I WANTED TO FUCKING DIE - I THOUGHT YOU’D BEEN KIDNAPPED FOR REAL AND THEY’D FIND YOU IN THE FUCKING RIVER IN THE MORNING. AND YOU WERE AT A FUCKING PARTY-’

I tug at the door handles angrily, but the car’s locked tight.

‘LET ME OUT OF THE CAR!’ I scream in his face, mine turning a bright crimson. ‘LET ME OUT. FUCKING BAWLING ME OUT LIKE SOME SAINT - YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE SO DON’T PRETEND TO.’ I pull the door handle roughly, over and over, breaking down. ‘LET ME OUT!’

‘WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO BREAK GABE’S CAR TOO? STOP DOING THAT. YOU’RE NOT GETTING OUT ‘TIL WE’RE BACK AT THE HOTEL.’

‘SO DRIVE!’ I yell.

‘NOT UNTIL WE FUCKING HAVE THIS OUT.’

‘HAVE WHAT OUT? THE ONLY THING THAT’S GOING TO BE COMING OUT OF ANYWHERE IN THE FORSEABLE FUTURE, IS THE FUCKING BABY OUT OF THAT SLAG’S VAGINA - AND I DON’T SEE WHY I HAVE TO BE AROUND FOR THAT!’

‘SO THAT’S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? MY EX TURNS UP ON MY DOORSTEP AND YOU DECIDE TO GO AND GET RAPED?!’

‘NO!’ There’s tears streaming down my face but I don’t care - I never did care about Will seeing me cry. ‘There’s so much more to it that that. You bring me here, and I live your life with you - and we talk, and we kiss, and we act like so much more than what we seem, but at the end of the day you’re still William Beckett and I’m still just Hannah. All my morals and all my principals went out of the window for you, and for what? We’ve got a week at the most and then it’s all over!’

I sniff loudly. ‘But what’s over? What did we even have? I’ve never felt like more of a slag the moment I left - the moment I registered what I’d done with you! We weren’t even fucking dating and I was under you! You make it seem like it happens all the time with girls, like I’m just another one, but it means so much more to me!’

I take in a sharp breath. ‘Have you ever been in a relationship where you love someone and they don’t love you back?! And it’s stupid cause you’ve only known them a week. But you just want everything to do with them. Everyone on that fucking bus looks at me and I know what they’re thinking, and you know how much that affects me, but I stay, because you’re still here, and you’re still smiling at me! Have you ever been in that sort of relationship?!’

I collapse into tears again and slump against the car door.

‘Yes!’ Will exclaims, as though almost pleading with me. ‘Can’t you fucking see that yet? You think I’ve just been fucking around with you this last week? I-’

‘I don’t want to hear it,’ I cut in pathetically. ‘Whether you even mean that or not, it’s for nothing. You’re in fucking America next week. And I’m still stuck here. And the longer I pretend that that’s not so, the more it will hurt when I have to accept that it is. And then there’s Samantha…what are you even going to do about that?’

I don’t want to hear the answer, because either way, I’ll hate him. Hate him for sticking by her or hate him for abandoning his unborn child.

‘I can’t just leave her like that…’

So he’s being noble.

‘Precisely,’ I say. ‘Will…this couldn’t ever have worked. I’ve loved the time I’ve spent with you…but I need to go. If I leave now I still have a fighting chance at coming through this whole, and sure, it will hurt, but it’ll heal. A whole lot faster than if I was to stay.’

I’m breaking. I’m actually breaking. Will looks down and his eyes are overshadowed by the dark that’s growing around us.

‘Don’t - just, it doesn’t have to-’

‘No. I can’t do this any more,’ I mumble. ‘I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight, and I’ll get a train in the morning. I’m sorry - I’m so sorry for us, but I’m sorry for me too, and I need to get out of this when I still can.’

‘Hannah-’ croaks Will, but I turn away and look out of the window. He sighs, and his head drops in defeat.

‘You don’t have to sleep on the couch,’ he finishes.

‘I do. If I wake up next to you then I’ll never be able to leave.’

‘Well, at least let me take the sofa - you…I-’

‘Whatever Will,’ I whisper. ‘Just drive me back.’