Wreckage From the Past Haunts Me; Shakes Me to the Bone

Jocelyn's POV

"Are you sure that you and Jimmy are okay?" I asked into the phone as I folded the laundry that was currently sitting on the bedroom floor in the off white plastic basket. Numerous articles of black clothing, most of them band t-shirts, were thrown carelessly into the basket once they were taken from the dryer by Matt. And he was the one who would always get pissed off whenever he pulled out a clean - but wrinkled - shirt. Yet he somehow forgot his anger every time he opened the dryer and just threw the clean clothes into a heap in the basket. Instead of folding them. I sighed that was Matt for you, but I loved him none the less. It was just another annoying, yet adorably cute trait of his.

"Yes sweetie, we're fine. You and Matt deserve some time alone." Trista said, and I could tell what she was hinting at. I just laughed and shook my head.

"Trista.. this is your brother and I you're talking about. We didn't need you to leave to be able to.. well.. fuck each other senseless." I said laughing. And just knowing Trista, I could tell that she was sticking out her tongue and making a 'mr. yuck' face.

"True.. you and my brother.. fucking nympho's." She said laughing.

"Yeah well, get as much of a good thing as you can." I said, just knowing what the response would be.

"EWWW EW EW!!!!!!!! I do NOT need to hear about my brother fucking one of my best friends!" She screamed into the phone. I could hear Jimmy laughing in the background. The usual hearty Jimmy laugh. That even made me crack up.

"Haha, well.. fuck you." I said in a small, cartoonish voice. This made Trist laugh and suddenly, Tegan's loud voice filled the phone.

"JOCIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed. God she was hyper.

"Hey babe. Are you both on the phone at once?" I laughed. It was so fun just talking and watched these girls. They were related to Matt and you were always guaranteed a good time with a Sanders. In one context or another.

"YES!" Tegan screamed again. I laughed. These girls were my absolute favorite girls in the world. And I mean, of course their brother was my favorite guy. Well.. duh.

"Jocelyn!" I heard Matt yell from downstairs. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes, I really felt like Stella from the play Streetcar Named Desire. Married to the muscular, rough yet sweet and sexually passionate man named Stanley. Of course as you know, that is famous for the "STELLLAAAA!!!!!" scene. And yes, that's what I felt like right now. But it was cute though, thinking of Matt and I as a legendary perfect couple meant to be by each other's side for all eternity.

"WHAT!" I yelled back down the stairs, putting the phone to my chest to keep from yelling into the phone.

"Come down to the basement. I need your voice!" He yelled back, but a little less loud than before. I laughed and brought the phone back up to my ear.

"Hey girls I have to go, master is calling." I said, being extremely sarcastic. They both laughed.

"Okay, and remember.. no go no love!" Trista said.

"Tell Matt.. 'don't be silly wrap your willy'!" Tegan yelled. I smiled and laughed. Like I said, those girls made my life sometimes. But the funny thing was.. they already knew that I was on birth control. And that meant that Matt and I didn't use condoms. I mean, we probably should.. but we don't.

"Haha alright.. will do guys." I said laughing. They said their goodbyes and I hung up, throwing my phone onto the frequently used bed and exiting the room, trudging down the stairs to see.. no one.

"Matt?" I asked, looking around. I didn't see anyone.

"Down here baby!" I heard him, calling from the downstairs studio. I rolled my eyes, of course he was working on the album on one of his days off. But none the less, I had to give him an A for effort and overtime. I walked down the stairs to see Matt sitting in his spinning chair in front of all the sound boards that looked into the glass recording area. He was wearing a pair of basketball (knee length) black shorts and his black Ed Hardy tiger sweatshirt. He turned toward me and smiled.

"Hey baby can you sing something for me?" Matt asked, leaning forward and sorting through some papers that he had sitting on the sound boards. Did I ever mention how unorganized Matt is? But like I said, another cute trait of his.

"Sure. What do you want me to sing?" I asked, walking over to him where he handed me a piece of paper with some lyrics scribbled down on it. The title at the top said "All Around Me". I smiled. Had Matt written a song just for me to sing? Or was this just another time where he just wanted to see how it sounded if a girl sang it.

"Alright get your butt in there." Matt said, slapping my ass hard as I walked past him and into the recording booth. I waited for him to give me the thumbs up to start singing. When he did, I began

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

I finished the song and looked out at Matt who seemed to be in awe. I stood there, waiting for him to say something about my singing. It was actually kind of funny that we were both singers and we were dating. Because usually, we'd tease each other about lyrics and how we sounded. But it was playful teasing. We never actually meant it. That was one quality about us that I loved. We could just joke around and I could just act like one of the guys one minute, and then the next we were swapping spit and running like hell for the bedroom. He was my best friend, my companion, my lover, and my heart all in one person. He was my Matt. And I was his Jocelyn.

"Baby... that was amazing." Matt said in all seriousness. I just smiled, he was so sweet. I walked out of the booth and when I walked over to hand Matt back his lyrics, he just grabbed my by the waist and brought me into his lap.

"You keep those. I want you and the girls to perform that. I wrote that for you." Matt said, whispering the last part into my ear. An excited chill ran up my spine. But that was how it was for us. We've been together ever since we both entered the dating world so we've never dated anyone besides each other. And yet, we're still as passionate and excited about each other as we were the first day we started dating. But that's what Matt did to me. And that's what I did to him.

There was a long silence as I just laid there in Matt's lap, in the large muscular arms that I had become so accustomed to.

"Hey Katy?" Matt asked, using my real name for the first time in a LONG time. He was the only one I let call me by my first, ACTUAL name. The ONLY person.

"Yeah Matt?" I asked, looking up into those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. He just smiled as he continued speaking.

"Do you think Jimmy and Trista will get married soon?" He asked, twisting his fingers lazily into my hair. I smiled and closed my eyes against Matt's chest. Breathing in his masculine scent as I answered him.

"Hmm. I guess. That'd be really awesome." I said. And I was being truthful. Jimmy and Trist getting married would be like.. the greatest thing ever. They were so cute together and they already had kids (even if they weren't kids that they had together), not to mention and extremely strong love for each other. They needed each other. Jimmy was the cheese to Trista's macaroni as Trista was the chocolate to Jimmy's strawberries. I smiled as I thought about that. And I wondered if that was how people viewed Matt and I.

"Yeah.. it would." Matt said. But I knew him like the back of my hand, and from that tone of voice, I could definitely tell that something was wrong. I turned in his lap and straddled him, wrapping my arms loosely around his neck, smiling at him. I knew that if there was one thing that could make Matt go weak, it was my smile. But this time, he didn't smile back.

"Matt what's wrong?" I asked, looking deep into his hazel orbs that were looking back into my bright blue ones.

"Nothing baby I just.." But before he finished, he just stood up, causing me to nearly fall off his lap. He walked up the stairs, not even glancing back at me once. What had gotten into him?

*Written By Jocelyn ^ *

I shook my head knowing that I should probably give him some time to think before I go after him. Being with one man since high school you tend to figure out little things like that about each other. I looked over the lyrics again and smiled before getting up and walking up the stairs. I made my self and Matt some coffee buying myself some time before I went to talk to him, but it didn’t take as much time as I hoped because not even five minutes later the coffee was done.

Stupid coffee couldn’t have ran a bit slower today! No today’s the day it actually has to work. I thought grimily as I glared at the coffee machine. I sighed and walked up stairs to mine and Matt’s room. I paused at the door before starting to lightly push it open until I heard him talking.

“I know I gotta do it, but I’m afraid of how it’s gonna turn out...Yeah..I know...Staller I swear I’ll do it tonight. No after tonight she won’t be my girlfriend.” that’s all it took before I walked back down stairs and into the kitchen where I threw the glasses into the sink. I slipped on my Uggs and my jacket and walked outside of the house. I’m sure the door slammed. I ran my hands through my hair as I walked farther down the beach. I stopped when I saw my favorite place. It’s where I go to be alone, where I go to write, where I even go to just sit.

I knew this relationship was too good to believe. It was just a matter of time before he broke up with me. They were right. No one will love me. If they were right then Trista and Tegan were wrong. Oh god I’m going to have to quite the band because I couldn’t be around him. Tears started to slide down my face. I wiped them away, but more came.

Matt’s P.O.V

“After tonight she won’t be my girlfriend. She’ll be my fiancé.. I’m just...I’m nervous.” I said into the phone. Yes I called Brandon Staller from Atreyu. He was the only guy that I trust with my choice right now except Brian and the guys, but I had to call Brandon anyways to rent out his restaurant. He knew what I was doing so he gave me the night free.

Sounds good don’t it. Trust me man. I’ve seen the way she looks of you there’s no way she’s going to say no.

“I know man. I know. Hey can I let you go?” I asked as I heard the front door slam. I hung up the phone not even hearing what he said and walked down stairs to see two glasses in the sink broken and coffee spilled all of the place. Shit, I thought as I saw Jocie’s jacket and shoes missing. I grabbed my shoes and slipped them on as I headed out. She must have heard me talking. I walked down to our spot on the beach, but she was no where in sight. I sighed and rubbed my face before thinking of where she would be, until I realized how stupid I was. She would be at her spot not ours. I ran for about twenty minutes before I reached the spot. I saw her figure sitting there. Her hands were grasping her jacket pulling it closer to her, but I knew it wasn’t because she was cold. I knew it was because she was crying. God I feel like an ass. I walk out of the room because of my nerves, then I just had to use that one sentence! I shook my head and walked over to her. I sat down behind her and put my head on her shoulder making her jump.

“I’m sorry.” I said. It was the only thing I could thank of.

“So am I.” She said. Her voice was laced with sorrow and just made my heart fall to my stomach.

“Not like that. I’m sorry you didn’t stay around to hear the rest of the sentence.” I said chuckling.

“Why? So you can tell Staller how you found a new girl?” She said sarcastically.

“No so you can hear my plans to take you out tonight. That’s not how I meant it at all.” I said as I looked at her. She wasn’t looking at me though. Her black hair was wrapped around her face.

“How did you mean it then?” She asked now looking me in the eyes. Her greenish blueish eyes met my hazel ones.

“Go out to dinner with me tonight and I’ll tell you then.” I said as I smiled. She nodded although I know that she hesitated. I stood up and picked her up bridal style making her yelp. I laughed and she smacked me.

“Our dinner is in an hour and a half.” I said as I walked into the house and upstairs. I threw her on the bed making her scream. I laughed and walked into the closet. Into the very back there was dress bag that hidden behind my clothes. I pulled it out and set it on the bed. I unzipped it and she looked at me confused as I took it out of the bag and laid it on the bed. She ran her hands over the red silk fabric.

“Will you wear it tonight?” I asked hopefully.

“It’s beautiful. Of course I’ll wear it.” She said smiling. It’s wasn’t a formal gown or anything like that. In fact for what dresses most girls wear it seemed plain, but I know she’ll make it look like the best dress that was ever worn.

“I’ll leave you to get ready then. I’ll go get dressed in Jimmy’s room.” I said as I walked out of the room.

“Matt?” I heard from the bed.

“Yeah baby?” I asked looking back at the most beautiful girl in the world, who was just sitting on my bed. Her eyes still puffy slightly from crying. Her hair was resting on her shoulders, only slightly in her face. The jean short she had on showed off her long tan legs.

“I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions.” She said quietly. I smiled and walked over to the bed.

“There’s no reason to be sorry. You thought I was breaking up with you, but never in a million years could I do that. I know my sister’s told me that I used to cut and it’s true.” I admitted with my head down, “But I haven’t thought of picking up a razor in years ever since I met you.”

“I’m glad.” She said as she kissed me lightly before pulling back. I still had my eyes close, but I knew she was bitting her lip. I got up and pecked her lips once more before I walked out of the room. I walked into Jimmy’s room to see the same destroyed room it’s been since I bought the house. I pulled out a towel from the cabinet and turned the water on; hearing it turn on in my room as well. It must have sucked to be Jimmy when he slept here. You can hear everything from my room. I grimaced at the thought of my best friend hearing me and my soon to be wife go at it, until I realized the small fact that he’s had sex with my baby sister. Yeah pay back’s a bitch! I could hear Jocie singing in the shower which made me smile. I loved hearing her voice. In fact I’ve been in love with her since I first met her.

Flashback

“Matt put me down!” Tegan screamed as I picked her up.

“Nope!” I said laughing as I spun around. I stopped and continued walking around the park with one sister in my arms and the other hanging off Jimmy. She’s secretly dating him and doesn’t want me to know. Oops! I know! Maybe they should have kept it down in her bedroom the other night! Same with Tegan and Zacky. The guys were all screwing around. Smacking each other over the heads. Throwing shit left and right.

“Mattie! Put me down!” My sister begged, but I kept walking ignoring her pleas. I looked over at our normal spot to see a girl and a guy there. The girl was beautiful! And that was an understatement. She had a long green sleeved shirt on and a pair of dark blue jeans. Her hair was down in her face, but even then I could make out the perfect structure. I bit my lip as I saw her. Why was she wearing such long clothe sin the middle of summer? A light breeze blew her hair up and I saw a huge bruise on her cheek. Saying I got mad was an understatement. I was furious.

“Who is that?” I asked Tegan and Trista.

“Oh that’s Jocie! She’s one of our friends, but we don’t get to hang out with her out of school. Her uncle won’t let her.” She said looking sad.

“Who’s that guy?”

“That’s Max Corbett. Her boyfriend.” I nodded and kept my eye on them for a few minutes. Max was talking to her and he was clearly pissed. He grabbed her face in his hands clearly hurting her and shook his head. She tried to pull his hand of, but it wouldn’t budge. I handed Tegan to Zacky and started to walk over. I grew up in an abusive family. No woman deserves to be hit or put down in any way. I was nearly feet away from him when I heard him sneer,

“I told you to keep that shit covered.” She just nodded and backed up. He looked down and saw her foot was near a hole and pushed her before I could stop him. I spun him around and knocked him out cold with just one hit. I looked over at her to see she was gripping her ankle. I kneeled down next o her making her back away.

“I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.” I said as I lightly touched her ankle. She hissed and pulled her ankle out of my hands.

“Jocie are you ok?” Tegan and Trista asked as they ran over.

“I’m..I’m fine guys.”

“No she’s not. She has a sprained ankle.” I said.

“Really I’m fine.” She insisted and tried to get up again, but failed when she fell back down. I laughed a whole hearted laugh before I picked her up and carried her to my house.

“Oh by the way Jocie this is my older brother Matt.” Trista said as she laughed.

“Nice to meet you Matt.”

“Nice to meet you too Jocie.”

End Flashback

That was the day I vowed to never let anything ever harm her in anyway. She lived with me and my family from that day on, unknown to my parents. I smiled and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist as I did. I stood in front of the mirror and shaved, before brushing my teeth. I walked into Jimmy’s room where I already had my clothed laid out. I dried off and pulled on my black slacks. Followed by my black button up shirt tie and black sweater. I looked in the mirror and fixed my slight mohawk. I pulled out the velvet box that was laying in my pocket. I looked at the ring for a second before putting it back. I sat on the messy bed for a minute rubbing my hands over my face and put on my black dress shoes. I walked out of room and down stairs where I sat on the couch. A few minutes of my looking at my shoes she came down stairs. The dress fitting her curves perfectly before flowing out slightly and coming to a stop right above her knees. She had on her silver heels that she complained about never wearing, but not wanting to throw away. The necklace I gave her for our third anniversary was adorning our necklace. Her hair was in my favorite style. Down and wavy. Her make up was done beautifully. Smokey Eyes was what she said it was called or something to that effect.

“Do I look ok?” She asked.

“You look better then I imagined.” I admitted. She giggled and pushed the hair out of her face before walking over to me.

“Do I need my purse?”

“Nah. Just leave it here.” I said smiling. She reached up and poked my dimple making me chuckle. I took her hand in mine and walked out of the house and into my car. We reached Staller restaurant within minutes, which made me happy about there not being any traffic. When we go there Staller was standing outside scratching the back of his neck. I shook my head knowing that something was wrong. I got out of the car and walked over to Jocie’s side and opened the door. I held my handout and she gratefully took it.

“Hey man. What’s wrong with the restaurant?” I asked as I walked up.

“Someone completely destroyed it. I had it closed down all day for you two and when I went to open it a little while ago because your dinner’s never take long and the whole place was a disaster.” He said as he shook his head, “I tired to call your cell it just wasn’t ringing man. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s cool man. Don’t worry about it.” I said as I rubbed my face with my free hand. Jocie reached up and started to rub my arm, knowing that I was getting stressed.

“It’s ok baby. We can go somewhere else right?”

“No...Well here goes nothing.” I said as I pulled the box from my pocket and got down on one knee. She gasped and I smiled.

“Baby we’ve been together for nearly 6 years and frankly that just too long for you to just be my girlfriend. You mean everything plus more to me. You actually get a long with my sister which none of my old girlfriends did. You understand my past and don’t judge me. You don’t judge me for my tattoos and my band. You’re my number one fan and I’m yours. I’d do anything for you. Even give up my sisters,” That earned and smack and a chuckle from Staller, “You know I’m kidding. I wouldn’t be able to live without the three of you. You keep me grounded and make sure I don’t become some big headed rock star no matter how good my band is. I remember the first time I saw you the first thing I saw was this beautiful girl that out did every girl I had ever seen. The wind blew slightly and pushed your hair out of the way and I saw it. I saw the bruise and from then I knew I had to help you. I know what you went through. Maybe not fully, but never once did I ever judge you for it and all I asked in return it that you don’t judge me. You never did. You always said that all you saw was your savior and all I saw was mine, but we both fell in love and it’s the best thing that could have ever happened to me. So Caty Jocelyn DiCarlo will you please not only become Mrs. Matthew Sanders, but my life for the rest of eternity and after? Will you marry me?” I finally got out. I nearly passed out from nerves a lone, but when there was a silence after I nearly took off until she grabbed my hand and pulled me up so I was looking her n the eye.

“Yes.” was the only thing she said before I kissed her hard on the lips. I pulled away and slipped on the ring, which was a white gold band that had little diamonds around it with several bigger black diamonds. I heard cheering and I looked around to see that we had an audience and Brandon’s wife had a video camera.

“I couldn’t resist.” She said smiling. I laughed and nodded.

“Let’s go home baby.” Jocie said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the car. I nodded again and opened her door. She slide in and I ran over to the other side o the car and got in as well.

“What should we do when we get home soon to be Mrs. Sanders?” I asked.

“Oh I can think of a few things Mr. Sanders.” She said seductively. God do I love her!