If I Only Had the Heart

As soon as Gerard found Bob and Ray by his locker like they usually were -- talking about capybara’s which Ray told him was the largest living rodent in the world -- he almost broke down. He told them about his horrible weekend how he did nothing but sit in his room and sulk about how he let him get away. Of course he didn’t tell them who this mystery boy is that had him depressed all weekend and it was killing both of them that someone was hurting their friend like this. They tried to console him and tell him that everything was going to be okay but Gerard didn’t believe them. Nonetheless he sucked it up and headed to his 1st period.

“So what’s up with you and Frank?” Brendon asked Mikey. They were in first period math and both of them had finished the assignment that was given already, being the smart-asses they were. “You two have been all over each other since you’ve gotten here.”

“Aren’t we always?” Mikey avoided the question with the truth. They have been pretty close since…probably the second they met. He was six and pretty short for his age back then. He and Gerard were playing in their front lawn, minding their own business when Frank came out of nowhere tackling Mikey to the ground. “Hi, I’m Frankie!” he shouted at Mikey who was underneath him, on the verge of tears. He thought this strange boy was going to kill him.

“I like your hair! It’s like ‘whoosh‘! That’s really cool. Hey I live right there!” Frank pointed to a house three doors down from his with a sign in the front lawn, a big ‘SOLD’ sign plastered across it. “My mom said I was in the way and told me to go find somebody else to bug and I found you! Did I tell you my name is Frankie?!” he spoke fast and loud using hand gestures and smiling wide. He was always a very animated kid.

“Uh.. Frankie?” Mikey’s voice shook and was barely above a whisper. Frankie nodded “Are you going to kill me?” he asked unaware that if someone really was to kill him they probably wouldn’t tell him first. Most killers wouldn't jump on him and tell him their life stories either but you never know with Frankie.

“Of course not, silly!” Frank broke out in giggles. “You’re really pretty and your hair goes ‘whoosh’ so that makes you really cool and I wanna be your friend!” he already considered this nameless boy his friend even if the feeling wasn’t reciprocated.

Mikey calmed down and instantly started giggling himself when Frankie called him ‘pretty’. Gerard had told him boys didn’t say pretty unless they wanted to get hit but something told him Frankie was an exception to this rule. “Okay Frankie, we can be friends.” he told him and Frankie jumped for joy causing Mikey to giggle even more. “My name is Mikey and I have a brother named Gerard.” he stood up looking around for his brother who he had been playing catch with before being tackled.

“Mikey?! That’s awesome! I don’t have a brother, I have a doggy though! Actually I have two, mommy said they’re just puppies cause they’re little like me but I don’t care. Do you wanna see them?! The boys name is Brownie cuz I like brownies and the girl is Button cuz buttons are cool too!” Frankie was just a ball of energy. He hadn’t even waited for Mikey’s answer before dragging him over to his house and to the back yard.

Gerard had run inside to get his father when Mikey got attacked by that wild boy. He was trying to urge him to walk faster by pulling his hand but his eight year old muscles weren’t letting him. When they had finally got outside Mikey was gone and so was that kid. “See?! Oh daddy what’d he do to my brother?! I want him back! I’m gonna miss him! Daddy!” he cried, throwing himself onto the grass.

His dad picked him up and carried him inside setting him on the couch shushing him and kept telling him that they would find Mikey soon. “No!” Gerard stood up and bolted out of the front door “I have to find Mikey! It’s all my fault, I lost him! I’m a bad brother!” he ran down the street in no certain direction. He was just running to as he said ‘find his brother’ when he heard that familiar laugh. The laugh that made him laugh because it was so…so, pretty. He was barely down the street maybe two or three houses over and his father was right on his ass, trying to keep up with him. “Gerard!” he called “Slow down!”

Mikey heard his fathers voice and almost tripped over his own two feet trying to get back out to the front “Come on Frankie!” he called but was barely heard over an excited Button who was licking his face. He pushed the side gate open -- mind you his house is almost exactly the same -- and saw Gerard and their father out front talking. “Daddy look!” he held the puppy in the air.

Gerard was so relieved to see his brother that he almost fainted, that is until he saw the little demon that had him worried about Mikey in the first place. He glared at the little boy, silently vowing to get him back but forgot all about him when Mikey shoved the dog in his face cooing about how cute it was.

“Oh my!” Frankie’s mother was outside now, wondering what all the commotion was. She saw her son with another little boy around his age shoving their dogs into the face of another boy, slightly older than her own and a man, the boy’s father she assumed. “Frank stop!” she pushed her son back away from the older boy who clearly didn’t want to be bothered. “I’m so sorry about this, my son… he’s-” she sighed unable to come up with a word for it.

“It’s okay” the man laughed. “I understand, these two are the same way.” he pointed to his sons “Donald,” he stuck his hand out.

“Linda.” she shook his “We’ve just moved in,” she gestured to the house she just exited.

“Yeah and I have a new friend mommy! His name is Mikey! Isn’t that cool?!” Frankie threw his free arm around Mikey who stood there with a wide smile on his face talking to Button in what he thought was a dog language.

“Yes Frankie, that’s very cool.” she nodded.

“And he’s pretty!” he thrust Brownie into his mothers arms and turned to Gerard “You’re pretty too and you have really pretty eyes.” he laughed when Gerard blushed.

“Thank you.” was all he said before returning his attention to his brother. His dad and Frank’s mom had begun a conversation and she invited him inside leaving him out there with that boy who called him pretty and his brother. “So… who are you?” he didn’t want to be rude but he wasn’t exactly sure who this kid was.

“His name’s Frankie and he’s my new best friend,” Mikey threw his arms around Frankie and pulled him into a tight hug. Gerard was now sitting in first period, growling. Yes, growling. For some odd reason he hadn’t been paying attention and ended up reliving the experience of first meeting Frank. Now he remembered why he hated the kid so much.

He just up and came out of nowhere and stole his brother away from him. He and Mikey were best friends but then this little… brother snatcher came along and swept him off his fucking feet. That little bastard is the reason why all the eyes in the room are on him right now. He had both his shirt and blazer collar turned up and he was just naturally pale so he sure he looked like Count Dracula right now snarling.

“Are you alright Mr. Way?” his teacher asked and he shook his head no. He was seriously about to explode if he didn’t get him out of his head right now. “Would you like to see the nurse?” she asked and this time he nodded. He needed more than a nurse if you asked him. He needed a fucking psychologist. He needed help, he wanted to know why he liked his brother. Why couldn’t he be normal? “Gerard,” the teacher waved a pink sheet of paper in his face and he snatched it from her throwing his bag over his shoulder and stormed out of the room.

As soon as he got outside he leaned against the wall because he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Tossing his head back against the lockers he slid down until he was on the ground, breathing heavily now. “Gerard?” a voice called and he didn’t bother looking up. “Hey Gerard are you okay?” he was tired of people asking him that.

“Do I look okay?!” he screeched looking up to see a sad looking Hayley staring at him. “I’m sorry,” he apologized slamming his head back into the lockers. “I don’t know what has gotten into me. I didn’t mean to yell at you, please don’t hate me.”

“Dude, I could never hate you.” she sat next to him. “But seriously you’ve been acting a little… strange lately. You wanna tell me what’s up?” Hayley rubbed his back hoping that would console him at least a bit. He shook his head no and she sighed. “Does this have anything to do with that Fred kid?” she asked.

“Frank,” he corrected her. “His name is Frank and yes, this has everything to do with him. He’s been ruining my life since I was eight years old, I hate him, I really do but at the same time I can’t help but be attracted to him.” he slammed his head back into the lockers again.

“You wanna get out of here and talk about it?” Hayley asked him. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to be around him alone yet with out just fainting from fear but at the moment she just wanted to help him feel better. She wasn’t even sure if he liked her enough to even want to share his feelings with her but he nodded and stood anyway so she assumed he liked her enough.

Gerard didn’t like skipping school like this. Although it was his last year and he was sure as hell glad about that. “Yeah come on,” he stood and helped her up. “Where do you want to go?” he asked Hayley who shrugged and said she’d be willing to go wherever he wanted to go. “Okay then, follow me.” he grabbed her hand pulling her out of the front doors of the school. They had gotten into his car and were now almost a mile away.

“Do you mind?” Hayley asked, reaching for his radio. Gerard shrugged, he never really listened to the radio unless Mikey or somebody turned it on and even then he blocked it out most of the times. He always had too much on his mind. “OhMyGod!” Hayley exclaimed turning the radio up “I love this song!” she started singing along to an old R&B song.

Gerard was clearly amused by all of this. The song -- which he surprisingly knew was now in full swing and Hayley was flailing her arms in the air while shaking her multi-colored head in different directions. She had prodded him a few times and eventually got him singing too. Oh, it was a sight to see, or I guess hear. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T!” they both sang into the pen that had been holding Hayley’s hair up until the song was over. They were both doubled over in laughter. Gerard had pulled over a while ago, not wanting to kill either of them and was silent now. All the thoughts of what happened the past weekend and this morning flooded back to his head at once. Frank wasn’t necessarily flirting with him, Gerard assumed that’s just how he was, but he couldn’t help but feel as if that tension between them would never die, not until one of them was dead and he didn’t plan on dying anytime soon.

Hayley was silent now too. She was studying Gerard’s features, trying to figure out what went on in that head of his. What angered him, what made him happy, what turned him on… She just wanted to get to know this strange boy she’d fallen for freshman year. She had just realized that they were stopped and looked at her surroundings. Gerard noticed this too and spoke, “Oh yeah, I kind of um, stopped the car so we wouldn’t you know… crash or whatever.” his eyes darted in every direction but Hayley’s eyes.

“Oh, no. It’s alright” she noticed that they were at a park. “I like parks anyway,” she opened the door and stepped out, stretching her limbs. “You getting out?” she poked her had back in the open door and Gerard nodded slowly making his way out into the sunny atmosphere, shuffling over to stand next to her. “So…” Hayley decided to be bold for once and grabbed his hand. Gerard gasped looking down at their clasped hands. “What do you wanna do?”

Gerard shrugged but began walking forward anyway. Hayley was silent behind him, going wherever he was taking her. They walked in silence for a good three minutes before Gerard spotted a jungle gym. “Ooh!” he chirped and instantly cupped his hand over his mouth. Hayley sent him a questioning look and he blushed fiercely before answering, “I have this obsession with monkey bars. I haven’t actually been on any in a long time but I remember when me and Mikey used to…” he trailed off. Oh the days when he and his brother actually acted like brothers.

“Well come on then!” Hayley yanked him over to the monkey bars and before you know it they were both tangled up in the monkey bars that they were clearly too big for reminiscing on their childhoods. Hayley told stories about how she was always a tomboy and that she liked to take little insects she found home and let them live in her windowsill. Gerard talked about the good ol’ days with just him and Mikey although there were a few that included Frank, very few. They laughed and joke and it was all simply lightheartedness. It wasn’t until many hours later when Gerard got a phone call did the mood go dark.

“Hello?” he answered the phone mid laugh at some ridiculous joke Hayley just told him.

“Gerard?” Mikey sniffled on the other end and Gerard’s face instantly froze. Mikey tried to compose himself before calling his brother in risk of sounding like a pansy, but he just couldn’t help it, he really needed someone to talk to.

“Mikey?” All humor was gone from his voice now “What’s the matter? Why are you crying?”

“It’s Frank,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper “H-he, OhMyGod Gerard!” he cried clutching the phone for dear life.

“Where are you?” Gerard damn near demanded.

“Ho-home” he blubbered.

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.” Gerard hung up and apologized to Hayley “Sorry… That was my brother, he kind of needs me right now.” he hopped off the bars, Hayley doing the same.

“Totally” she nodded her head feverishly “I understand,”

But Gerard felt bad “You wanna like.. Come over or whatever?” he hadn’t really been with anyone in a while and his charming skills were a bit rusty. Ha, yeah a bit.

Hayley nodded again. “Yah, for sure.” she tried not to sound too excited as they both headed to his car climbing in. Well… this should be interesting.