If I Only Had the Heart

Gerard sped home like the devil himself was chasing them. Hayley could’ve sworn that he ran over the foot of this one kid who was slowly making his way across the street a few blocks back but she decided not to speak up on it. It seemed to her he had some bigger issues to deal with at the moment.

It was almost as if he forgot she was even there as he hastily parked his car in the driveway and opened his front door. “Mikey?” Gerard called out but got no answer. That instantly worried him. Not that he wasn’t already so nervous that he could possibly cry. “Mikes,” he called out again.

“Maybe he’s in his room” Hayley placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. He nodded and they both went up stairs to Mikey’s bedroom, Gerard leading the way. It was almost completely silent except for Gerard’s heavy breathing and muffled noises coming from the other side of Mikey’s bedroom. Hayley took a step back as Gerard reached for the doorknob.

No such luck. He twisted, turned pulled and yanked but the door didn’t budge. “Mikey…” he spoke placing an ear to the door to hear his brother better. “Hey open up, it’s me” the muffled sounds became louder and they sounded more like screams. Of course Gerard was ready to bust that fucking door down now. “Mikey” he spoke louder this time. “Open the-”

“WHAT?!” Frank wrenched the door open. He was already mad, Gerard banging on the door wasn’t really going to help him get better any time soon.

“Where’s Mikey?” Gerard pushed past Frank into the room. He spotted Mikey curled up on his bed sobbing into his sheets. He was yelling loud enough now that if Gerard were still downstairs he’d be able to hear him. The words were meshed together and incoherent but you could still hear the pain in each an every syllable he tried to speak. “What’d you do to him?” Gerard hissed at Frank who was next to him now.

Frank looked like he was crying too. “Nothing!” he threw his hands up in the air “I didn’t do anything.” he gestured towards Mikey. “I could never do anything to hurt him like this.”

Gerard had actually believed him for a millisecond but his face hardened anyway, “That’s bullshit,” he had Frank by his shirt now “Why is he over there crying then?”

“It’s not my fault!” Frank broke down burying his head in Gerard’s chest. “I didn’t want to! I don’t want to! It’s not my choice!” Frank cried.

“What?” Gerard asked completely bewildered “You didn’t want to do what?”

“He’s moving!” Mikey finally spoke clearly “And he’s leaving me here to grow old and rot then die!” he stood up, tripping over his bed sheets “Why are you leaving me?!” he wailed.

“Because I have to!” Frank ripped himself out of Gerard’s grip, stumbling over to his boyfriend. “It’s not my fucking choice! Do you think if I had a say in this I’d really leave you?”

It was silent for a long moment until Mikey mumbled something. “You could stay with us if you want…”

“What?! No he can not!” Gerard exclaimed. This is exactly what he wanted, Frank out of his life, it’s just easier for him now that he didn’t have to murder the kid. Both Frank and Mikey were now staring at Gerard like he just shot the president dead right in front of them. “I mean, do you really think mom what let him?”

“She doesn’t have to know!” Mikey suggested and Gerard laughed bitterly “What’s so funny? There’s nothing funny about what I just said…” he snarled.

“You’re fucking psychotic that’s what’s funny! You really think either of our moms are going to let the guy your dating stay in a room with you for the next two or however many years it takes for you to move out?! If you do than he’s fucked with your head more than I thought he did.” Gerard spat, gesturing towards Frank “Just let him go, you can see him on holidays and talk to him on the phone or something, you’ll survive.”

“First of all no one knows that we’re dating except for you!” Oh and although they’ve all forgotten about her Hayley who is standing in the doorway watching this all, she knows too. “I don’t want to just see him on holidays and talk on the phone, I need him here with me, I’ll go with him if I have to and you must be the crazy one if you think I’m fucking kidding.”

Gerard scoffed, “Oh please you’re not going anywhere.” he yanked Mikey away from Frank “It was nice knowing you, see you… never again, have a good life. Oh and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” he pushed Frank into Hayley.

“Gerard stop!” Mikey yelled trying to get out of his clutch but was unsuccessful. It wasn’t that Gerard was too much stronger than him but he was weak at the moment and his brother was obviously furious as he tried his hardest to push Frank out of their lives. He couldn’t take it anymore. They were downstairs now, Gerard trying shove Frank out of the front door “STOP IT!!!” Mikey yelled ripping his arm away from Gerard and pushing him into a nearby wall with his newfound strength. “What’s wrong with you Gerard?! Why are you doing this!?”

All was silent as Mikey held his older brother against the wall in a death grip. Hayley was still at the top of the steps, unsure if she was really seeing this or if this was just some twisted dream of hers. Frank, oh poor Frankie has been reduced to tears. He doesn’t cry much but when he does you know there must be a damn good reason and he’s sobbing now. Mikey just held on to Gerard tighter the louder Frank got. He wanted so much to rush over and comfort him but the urge to bash his brother’s head in to that wall was much stronger at the moment. Gerard was oblivious to all of his surroundings, all he saw was Mikey and he was perfectly fine with that.

“What’s wrong with me? I ask myself that everyday. Do you think I like being like this? Actually I do, I love it. I love you, I just can’t help myself. I don’t want to be this weird kid who loves his little brother more than any human being ever will but I am and that’s exactly why I do what I do.” Gerard spoke slow and monotone. “I love you Mikey, I really do and I every time I see you with Frank… I just, it kills me because I know we’ll never have that.”

“Gee, you know I love you so much more than most people think. The bond we share is different between what me and Frank have. If you weren’t my brother I’d probably jump your bones right now.” Mikey laughed to himself but got serious again. “But incest is illegal and you’ll be eighteen soon. If anyone found out about us…” he didn’t want to finish that sentence out loud. They all knew the consequences.

“Yeah I know,” Gerard’s head hung low now as Mikey’s grip on him softened. “But no one will find out and if they did, I wouldn’t care. Mikey I-” he was cutoff when the most exhilarating thing happened to him.

Gerard was in complete and utter heaven right now. Mikey had kissed him. Never in his life would he imagine his brother initiating a kiss first. The way their lips moved expertly together made it seem like they were made just for one another. The kiss was never intended to be innocent -- I mean who unintentionally frenches their brother? He knew what he was getting into when he gripped Gerard’s shirt, mid sentence and yanked him forward silencing him almost immediately.

Gerard’s hands were at Mikey’s waist now in a tight clutch. If it had been anyone other than Mikey this probably would have been painful. But all this caused was for Mikey to thrust his hips forward and Gerard to pull away before he did something they’d both soon regret. They were both breathless now and the room was silent once again. Mikey leaned his forehead against his brothers and sighed. “I know Gerard. I love you too, I really do.”

There was a gasp and everyone turned their heads to the top of the stairs where Hayley stood. Her jaw looked dislocated, it was so slow and her eyes were big like a cartoon characters. The three boys at the bottom of the stairs had forgotten she was there a long time ago. Mikey actually never remembered seeing her but Frank did since he was shoved right into her chest earlier by Gerard. “Fuck,” Gerard mumbled sliding against the wall until he was on the floor. “Hayley… We need to talk.”