Stain My Rose With Scarlet Tears

As October came along slowly, Bill and I still refused to set foot in the apartment in which we used to spend all our time. It was hard to explain, we weren’t scared of going back there, but we still didn’t feel safe. There still came times where I would feel the need to get out of the cramped apartment, and I would just walk out. Every time, I would end up in front of our apartment door, with my hand on the handle, but I could never enter.

Every night, just before she would go to bed, Lucy would ask about the apartment, and why we weren’t staying there anymore. Bill and I never really knew what to tell her, Bill always said that she was too young to understand what was going on, I believed him.

I couldn’t imagine telling my three year old why her parents were scared to stay in their own house. When I would try to say it out loud, I felt like such a coward, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Lately, we have been talking about going to the police, but I was afraid that it might be too late for that now, because it happened almost a month ago. Bianca would always disagree, telling me that we still had all the evidence and it didn’t matter when it happened, as long as we reported it. Everyone was considering it, but even if they didn’t say anything more than the seven words painted on the wall, we weren’t idiots. We knew what could happen if we went to the police.

I’ve read about the feeling people have after something like this, the feeling that they were being watched, and that’s how I felt every time I would leave the apartment. It wasn’t something I could get used to, and I wasn’t sure if Bill, Tom or Bianca felt the same.
I tried to tell them once, but they didn’t take it seriously. They had told me that everyone in my position would feel the same, and that it was normal to be paranoid like that.

Bill became a lot more protective over Lucy and I, mostly, he refused to let us out of his sight. I never liked being watched like that, but Bill always said he did it because he cared about us too much to put us at any risk, no matter how annoying he was being, he wanted us safe.

Every now and then, Bianca and Tom would try to move a few things out of Georg’s apartment and into Tom’s. It was moments like those where I would purposely ignore them because of what they were doing. I didn’t know what it was to them, but Bianca still hadn’t told Georg about her and Tom, and in my books, that was cheating. He was going to be hurt enough, being lied to makes things even worse. I didn’t want to think about how Georg would feel, after losing Lea too.

The moments where I found myself watching Tom and Bianca, it would remind me of myself. I felt like a hypocrite when I would lecture them about cheating, when we all knew perfectly well that I’ve done it before. It was something I’ve wanted them to forget, even when I couldn’t, I just wished I could stop them from even thinking about it every now and then.

Georg and Gustav weren’t set to return to New York until the end of November, after their visit to Germany. Which, according to them, gave Bianca and Tom time to think of a way not to hurt Georg, but they both knew it wasn’t the truth. They were scared.

In between everything that happened to us, Lucy had started preschool in the middle of September, and unknowingly, Lucy helped shed a bit of sunshine in our lives. The house was a bit quieter without her around, everyone would always say that Bill and I had to make the most of it, but Bill and I didn’t think like that. At first, it was hard to accept that she was actually old enough to go to school.

With Lucy gone during the day, I was starting to feel very depressed. As they days passed, I locked myself up in my and Bill’s room, avoiding anyone. I would just remember my teenage years, where I never wanted to live a boring life; I wanted to be anything but ordinary. I fantasized of never staying in one place for long, seeing every corner of the world, performing in front of my fans, singing my heart out for them, and being able to look down at them and see that they understood what my lyrics meant.

It was the reason why I still wrote them. I would never admit it now, but I missed being on stage, and I missed performing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back, I just wished we did more before we just let it all go. In times like these, I would fantasize about singing my songs to the world, because it was my escape.

‘Insecurities beyond the hotel lobby

While I'm forced to call this a home without you

So let's keep this conversation lingering on

Don't say goodnight, not while I am

Gone’

Everything I wrote in the past, were the things I dreamt about, or the things that affected me. That part of me will never change. I had a black book I kept under a pile of clothes, where I wrote the songs I knew I would never be able to use, and the ones I wouldn’t want to give away.

In the past, Bill and I have written songs for Tokio Hotel, but even that wasn’t possible anymore because of the bands year long hiatus because of Bill’s coma. Tom and Bill would still make music, but they always said they didn’t see a point in it without their band mates around. As I held my book in my hands, Bill’s songs were underneath it. It was impossible not to feel something when you hear one of the songs Bill wrote, they all had some kind of meaning, and he inspired me to try to do the same.

‘This will be a long, long ride

And I'll be dreaming of coming

Home

And when you are alone tonight

I'll be writing you another song’

I started to hum softly, blocking out the quiet murmurs from outside the door. I felt so isolated in my brother-in-law’s apartment, lately, I’ve been taking it out on them. I always felt guilty for screaming at them afterwards, but I just needed someone to understand me, and they couldn’t. Mostly, it was Tom who would stay mad at me; he never appreciated my moods, not even when I was pregnant.

Today was one of those days, and unfortunately, this time I took my mood out on Bill, who didn’t deserve it at all. I locked the door when I stormed into the room, making sure that he, or anyone else, weren’t able to get in. They didn’t understand what was wrong with me now, and honestly, neither did I.

I counted down the seconds until I knew Bill would gather up the courage to knock on the door, asking to come in. Bill may have changed over the years, but some parts of him will always stay the same, and needless to say, I was right. I counted down the seconds in my head, and precisely five seconds after hearing his nervous mumbles outside the door, he knocked. I chuckled to myself softly, rolling onto my back for a moment. He knew I wouldn’t let him in right away.

“Sam, please, just let me in.” Bill said quietly, “I need to talk to you; I want to understand you again, because right now, I just don’t.
“And I know you’re listening, you can’t keep me waiting outside forever.”

By the time Bill had finished his final sentence, I was standing in front of the door, with one hand on the door handle, the other on my heart. In the past month we’ve stayed here, Bill never spoke up like that, but I guess that everyone had enough at some point. “Sam...” Bill tried once more as I started to turn the knob; I opened up the door and leaned against it for a brief second.

Bill was looking down when the door opened, but as he realized that I was facing him, he looked up. I gave him a small smile, stepping aside for him to enter.

He walked straight to our bed and sat down. His arm rested beside him, patting the empty space beside him, asking me to join him. I obeyed silently, sitting next to him. We sat in silence for a minute, where Bill reached out for my hand, taking it into his caringly.

“Sam, I’m worried about you. You’ve never been like this before... are you okay?” He asked awkwardly.

Normally I would never hear Bill ask things like that, because usually, he knew, but now it seemed like we had completely opposite views about what might be happening in our lives, and I never tried to speak to Bill about it if Bianca or Tom weren’t around us. I turned towards Bill a bit more, moving backwards. I never found it comfortable sitting on a bed like that. I crossed my legs and sat on the bed Indian- style, feeling a lot more comfortable. Bill turned towards me and sat on his knees, giving me a small smile.

I gave him the same smile in return, telling him that I’m fine. I leaned over and kissed his cheek once, before returning to my previous position.

“How can you stand living like this, Bill?” I asked abruptly, placing a loose strand of hair behind me ears. He sent me a confuse look, I opened my mouth once again once I saw his expression, knowing that I’d have to explain to him.

“When you wake up here every morning, don’t you feel like a prisoner? Don’t you just wish we could go home like nothing happened, or not be scared anymore so we can go on with our lives?” I asked him seriously, “I remember you and Tom in an interview when you were younger, when you said you never wanted to go back to a normal life, but look where we are now. How can you stand living like this, Bill?”

“I grew up since then.” He replied simply.

“I still love what I do, Sam, but I just wanted to spend some time with you and Lucy. I know it can get frustrating, doing the same thing everyday, but it’s not going to be this way forever, and you should know that. When I go back to touring, I know I’m going to miss this, but you’re right, I’ve had enough of it, for now.”

Bill got up onto his knees and crawled up to my side, but still moving until he sat behind me. He put his arms around me as he managed to pull me onto his lap. “I miss when we were anything except normal.” I whispered, laying my head down on his chest.

“Sam, we’re still not normal...” He whispered back at me, cupping my head in his hands as he kissed my lips sweetly.

“Bill, this is serious.” I said as he pulled away from me. I closed my eyes; breathing in the scent of his cologne, feeling a bit more relaxed. “Do you think we’ll ever stop being afraid?”

I felt his breath on my neck in the moment of silence. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bill’s perfect silhouette staring out the window at the sun shining between the trees. I’ve watched him every time I asked him something difficult, or something he’d want to think about, he would stare off into space until he had the answer. I chuckled slightly and gave his hand one squeeze, bringing his thoughts back to me once I felt his head snap down to look at me.

“We don’t have to be afraid forever, and we don’t have to hide forever.”

“But we agreed, it’s not safe-“

“For our kids.” He finished for me.

I looked up at him, finding the serious look on his face. It wasn’t easy to figure out what he meant by that; as long as our kids were safe, it was all we worried about. But we had to figure out who ruined our apartment. Instantly, Bill let go of me and moved off of the bed, He walked up to me, taking my hand, and pulled me along with him.

“Bill...” I mumbled as he tugged on my hand, “Now?”

He turned around, his black hair framing his face as he turned to look at me. He nodded, opening the door for me.

“Either we do it now, or we’ll be afraid forever.” He told me.

I nodded, taking a deep breath as we walked towards Bianca and Tom’s front door. I tried to calm down, after all, the chances that the people who did it would be there, were almost none. There was nothing to be scared of.