Buried Myself Alive

I climbed off his lap and walked toward the bathroom. I didn’t care if he still had a problem, not right now at least. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, thankful for the cool air of the empty room. I turned and reached to turn the cold water of the sink on. I washed my face and ran my wet hands through my hair.

Why was this still happening? I am happy. Why did I always have to prove that to myself? My fucking mind warped everything against me.Or it was trying to get me to see the truth… There it’s doing it again. Gerard meant what he said. He just forgot. He simply forgot.

I brought the hem of my shirt my face to use it in place of a towel. I sighed, opening the door and walking back into the room. The only one who seemed to notice something was up was Mikey. I could tell in how he looked at me as I sat down on the empty leather space next to him. I didn’t want to sit of Gerard’s lap right now.

I slumped myself against the armrest, my failed attempt to get comfortable. If Quinn was here he would have pulled me away, he would have talked to me. Why doesn’t Mikey do that? Maybe he doesn’t want to draw attention. Maybe he doesn’t want Gerard to notice...

I forced my eyes to set themselves on him. He was leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. He randomly comment on the conversation Ray and Jeph were having, trying to join in. It was kind of sad in a way.

So I stayed in my own sad, little mind. I didn’t feel like talking or even breathing for that matter. I wonder if life just doesn’t like me? Or maybe I’m allergic to living? Nah, that sounds crazy. Am I crazy?

I noticed Mikey still had his eyes on me. He sighed, grabbing my wrist and standing up. He pulled me toward Jepha’s room. Ray laughed. “You better be careful, Gerard. Mikey might be trying to take your man.”

I watched as Gerard turned his head toward us and tried not to look bothered, but he was. It was obvious that he was. His eyebrows were pushed together and he was trying to catch a glimpse of Mikey’s face to see what was going on. Mikey kept his head down and kept tugging on my arm.

Once we were in the room and Mikey closed the door, I sighed. It felt as if the darkness of the room had got rid of the cloud over my head. I fell knees first, the face first onto Jepha’s bed. I heard Mikey’s whispered voice break the dark. “What’s going on with you? You were happy about 10 minutes ago. Now you look like some- Some lost little kid!”

I sighed again in response to his question. “Come on, Frank, talk to me. I mean, Dude, you’re totally different then the tough guy stranger I met the night at the bar. You’ve opened up and softened up, even you have to admit it.”

THat I did. I did have to admit it. I wasn’t a loner anymore. I wasn’t the weird guy walking down the street. I wasn’t the kid who had to defend themselves from their psycho father. I was no longer the kid without any friends. I was finally... Normal?

“Frank.. Talk to me, man.” I sat up, pulling myself off of Jepha’s sheets.

I wiped at my eyes. “I don’t get it. I try, I try, I try. And I always fail, fail, fail. What am I supposed to do? I mean how can I fit in? I’ve been cut off from everything almost my whole life! No one ever got me. I mean even you found me weird. I can’t drink. I can’t ever think right. I can’t even feel the right way!”

I took a deep breath after I finished my rant. My mind was all screwed up, I was having second thoughts on how much Gerard meant his words to me. Why would anyone ever like a piece of shit like me?

“Listen to me,” He crouched down next to me. “I didn’t mean what I said. I was being an idiot. You have your reasons for not drinking, I’m sorry I didn’t respect them like I should have. What do you mean you can’t feel right? What are you talking about?”

I buried my head into my hands. “My feelings for Gerard. The ones I shouldn’t have.”

Mikey stood straight up. I have a feeling I just said the wrong thing… “The ones you shouldn’t have?! What the fuck, Frank? Who are you doubting right now? Gerard? Or yourself?”

He sat down next to me, taking in a breath. His voice relaxing from the whisper-yell session he just had with me. “There’s nothing wrong with who you like. I mean.. wait what happened with that talk between you and Quinn?”

"Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters now.” I shook my head.

Mikey groaned. “Frank! Snap out of it! Frank? God damn it.”

A shove came from my left side. I found myself on the floor of the room. I was used to it. The world just loved to remind me I’m fucking used to it. Mikey stood up and reached out to me. “Oh god. Frank, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

He didn't mean it. Bullshit. He was just like everyone. Everyone in the whole world, the only reason they'd talk to me was to put me down. Mikey was just another one.

I stood up doing my best to meet his height. I narrowed my eyes. Just another liar. Just another traitor. I raised my arm, forming a fist with my right hand. I brought it back and let it collide with his jaw. “Shit!” I cried out and clutched my hand to my chest. Fuck, I never knew it would hurt that much.

I could see Mikey’s outline. He was now on the floor. I fucking knocked him off his feet! I saw his hand was covering his jaw. God only knows how I managed to hit him in the dark. The door swung open. Gerard eyes on mine before turning to stare at his fallen brother.

The light caught Mikey’s eyes. They were watery as he gripped his face. “Frank..? I didn’t, I never meant it. Really, I-”

Then the feeling hit me. I felt sick with myself. It was as if I hit my own brother. I stood where I was as I saw Gerard examine his brother’s face. He never met my eyes after entering the room. He never acknowledged me thereafter. Mikey kept his eyes on me, calling out apologies when I should've been, but my lips were locked.

I kept repeating it in my head. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mikey. I’m so, so sorry.

Not once did it make itself audible.