Buried Myself Alive

What was I doing? “I’m.. I’m sorry. It’s ‘cause of me you’re back here isn’t it. I’m sorry. Tell Mikey I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean it.. Tell him I should have listened to-”

I watched as he slowly brought his finger to my lips, hushing me. “You can tell him yourself. Come on, Frank.. What’s going on in your head? What’s wrong?”

I wanted so much to press myself against him and melt into him. That wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.. “Nothing's wrong.”

Gerard moved his head to rest against mine and pushed lightly to the side. “Don’t lie to me.. Please..” I turned my head and sighed. “You don’t get it.”

“Make me get it.” I raised my head up to meet his eyes again. He was pleading with his eyes. He doesn’t care. He just wanted me better so I would… I turned again leaning away from him.

“Why? Why do you pretend to care? If you want me use me but don’t play me.” I swallowed after I finished. I wasn’t used to any of this. I was used to being alone. Maybe that’s where I just should've stayed.

“I’m not pretending to care. I’m not using you. I’m not playing with you. Why is it so hard for you to believe I really feel something for you?” I shook my head at his words. Stop messing with my head

“I don’t understand it. You put yourself out there for me, I don’t get why. I’m a nothing. I never meant anything to anyone, and now I suddenly do? How does that make any sense?” I wanted to be over with it. I wanted him to admit it. Admit you don’t like me. Admit it.

“What about your Mom, Frankie? She loved you, she still does and you know it.” I bawled my hand into a fist, my breath catching in my chest.

“She left me.” I never meant for my voice to get that low. The harsh feeling in the air, silence surrounded us. I picked at a small hole forming in my jeans; I don’t like silence.

“Frankie-” I cut him off. I brought my head up so he could see my face. “And that’s the other thing! How come you[/I[ can call me ‘Frankie’ and I can’t call you ‘G’? I’m yours... But your not mine. Is that what you mean by that. I’m not allowed to call you anything special, right?”

He reached for my hand but I pulled it back. “Answer me.” I whispered the words, I wanted to hear the words. Out loud.

“It’s a long story-” He tried to reason, but I wouldn’t let him

“Tell me.”

When he finished explaining, he pulled me to him. I let out a sigh before I could stop it. My nose was pressed against my own hoodie. I forgot I gave it to him to wear… He was still wearing it. Now it held a mix of both our scents.

“You’re allowed to call me whatever you want, Frank. I just… That one thing brought a sore spot to me. I’ll get over it for you. Frank, I think.." He paused and took in a breath. "I think I really love you.”

I fought back the butterflies. I hid the emotions I wanted to show, but without knowing, I had my arm around him. I whispered into fabric pressed against my face. “No, you don’t.”

Even though he didn’t argue, he pulled me up to kiss me. The butterflies surfacing before I could stop them, I doubt I could stop them.

I felt my back meet the blanket covering the bed. He lips were still on mine and he moved so he was over me. I’m not dreaming…

His hand made its way around my neck and I could feel the tingles of where his finger tips touched my skin. He moved that hand down to hold me around my hip while he moved his lips to my neck, my lips by his ear. I pressed the side of my head against his while he continued to move his lips on my skin.

”Ah- Ger..ard..” I noticed my breathing now. A slight pant in it. My eyes were closed and I bit down lightly on my lip. My breathing changing more by each second.

My damn emotions. I was letting them do this to me.. Then a realization came to me. Wasn’t this exactly what I had done to Gerard? Had he felt the same way I do now? Did he really mean it... He meant he loves me.