Show Me What I'm Looking For

John’s point of view

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have successfully reached Los Angeles International Airport. Please make sure you have all your carry-on baggage as you exit the plane. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines, we look forward to flying with you in the near future,” the flight attendant said just as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Dude, would you snap out of it?” Jared yelled at me as I reached up to get to bag. I’d been in a daze since I set foot in the car. I hadn’t said a word, I wasn’t laughing; I was barely present at all. I just kept starring at my phone, hoping she would call.

“Snap out of what? I’m fine,” I replied, irritated.

“Stop saying you’re fine, John. You obviously aren’t,” he retorted.

“Well what do you want me to say? That my life fucking sucks, that I don’t want to be here and that I don’t want to record?” I snapped back. He shook his head and left me alone. Everyone left me alone. They were all laughing and excited and I just seemed to be walking around with a dark cloud over my head.

We went through baggage claim and security after which we stepped out onto the street and waited for our ride to the hotel. I slid my phone out of my pocket yet no missed calls. Crap.

“John, she’s not going to call. You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Kennedy added compassionately.

“What if she called and we were in flight and there was no signal?” I asked, desperately searching for an excuse.

“Oh my God, would you just get over her already? She’s gone, she doesn’t care about you. It’s finished between you two so get over it and move on,” Amber yelled at me. She turned around and kept looking at her magazine.

“Wow Amber, you always know just how to put things,” Garrett mocked as he came over to me. “Look John, you can’t let this ruin our shot at our record. This is hard for all of us and especially for you, but this isn’t going to work if you’re like this. Forget Amber; don’t let her get to you. Just please, deal with whatever you have to deal with right now,” he begged and I knew then that I couldn’t let them down, not after everything we’d done to get here. I smiled and nodded. Just then, our ride to the hotel came and we loaded in our things and drove off.

“Alright guys, your three rooms are ready. The little lady is alone in 321, you two are in 323 and you three are in 325,” the receptionist said, handing us our plastic keycards. We then headed for the elevators.

“John, wait for me,” a shrill whine yelled from behind me, it had to be Amber.

“What?”

“Can you carry my luggage up? It’s really heavy,” she pleaded.

“My hands are full. I have my own suitcase, a guitar and Pat’s cymbals. Carry your own suitcase,” I angrily replied and marched into the elevator. She followed quickly behind me and made her way into the elevator.

“Oh my God, my friend that lives here in LA is throwing a house party tonight and she lives right by the hotel. We should totally hit it up! Are you guys up for it?” She asked. I was in no mood for a party. I just wanted to go up to my room and sleep.

“I’m not in the mood,” I retorted, annoyed.

“Come on! What do you mean you’re not in the mood? This is exactly what you need,” she pressed, poking me in the rib.

“I hate to agree with her man, but she’s right. Plus, it’d be nice to celebrate,” Kennedy added and everyone seemed to agree. I caved under the pressure and 20 minutes later, we were walking to the house right down the street.

It was your typical house party; a beer keg set up in the corner, a table filled with juice bottles to mix in with your usual vodka or any other cheap alcohol. People were scattered around the room, holding their very own red cups. The smokers were in the kitchen rolling up a joint or two and the usual making out and hooking up was taking place a bit everywhere. It was pretty much just drugs, alcohol and sex.

I was one of those kids with the red cup not knowing what to do with myself. Everyone had ditched me since I wasn’t being any fun and I found myself alone at a stranger’s house.

“John?” Amber called out, nearly falling over. She was finished. I wasn’t even close to drunk, yet a part of me wanted to be. I just wanted to forget.

“Yeah?”

“Some guys are playing beer pong and they need an extra player and you’re the only person I could find,” she suggested, slurring her speech. I didn’t really care for the game, but it was one of the only ways to get wasted that I could think of.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there,” I replied. I set down my drink and followed her through the smoke haze in the kitchen and out onto to the balcony were the big event was taking place.

“Guys, this is John. John that’s Marc, Andy and Billy,” Amber said as she took another sip of her drink.

“Hey man, are you ready to play?” Billy said to me as he put a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, let’s do this,” I replied, excited. We set up the cups on the table and each team took their place at the ends. Billy and I were against Andy and Marc and for some reason, I was really nervous.

“John O, John O, John O, John O,” everyone chanted as I took my final shot. I then drank the cup and claimed my rightful victory. Billy had passed out two rounds ago, leaving me alone against the other team. I was still undefeated. I was incredibly wasted. I could barely see two feet in front of me let alone walk straight.

“You did it John!” Amber yelled as she jumped on me.

“Thanks,” I smiled. “I’m all wet. Why am I all wet?” I asked, confused.

“I don’t know. I think it’s because beer is wet and you’re shirt wanted some,” she slurred back at me.

“I have to go change. You have to help me. You have to help me cross the street because my mom always said to look both ways before crossing, but she’s not here right now.”

“Okay, let’s go Jonathan,” she replied.

“Is my name really Jonathan?” I inquired.

“I think so,” she said as we walked back through the house.

“John? Where are you going?” Kennedy called at me from the sofa.

“Kenny! You came after all! I’m crossing the street with my mom, I’ll be back soon,” I smiled. I put my arm over Amber’s shoulder and walked towards the hotel. We eventually found our way back; everything was so bright and distracting.

“Where’s the elevator?” Amber asked the front desk.

“It’s on your left miss,” she replied.

“I’m not married lady! Let’s go Joe,” she said, dragging me along. Once we reached the third floor, we took a left down the hallway, stumbling towards my room.

“Wait, I don’t have my key,” I said, standing in front of my door.

“Who’s Mikey?” She asked, baffled. “Come in my room instead,” she said as she opened her room.

“Your room looks exactly like my room,” I replied, stunned. I then laid down on the bed and closed my eyes.

“Take off your shirt,” she said as she lifted it over my head.

“I’m still wet,” I complained, half asleep.

“Take off your pants too,” she suggested, already reaching for the zipper.

“Are you okay now?”

“Yeah, I’m dry,” I said. I then felt her climb over me, straddling me. Just as I was about to push her away, she pressed her lips to mine. I wanted to pull away, I wanted to get off the bed and leave, but somehow I just couldn’t. She sat up for a second, took off her shirt and crashed her lips back to mine. I wanted more. Her hand then ventured closer and closer to my boxers. She reached her hand in and then it hit me how wrong this all was and how much I didn’t want any part of this. I pulled away and stood up, pacing the room.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“This! Everything! I can’t do this, not here, not now, not ever. I need to get out of here,” I replied nervously before locking myself in the bathroom. What the fuck had I done?

Ali’s point of view

The traffic going into LA was always a disaster no matter what time of day you went into the city. I nervously waited at the red light, waiting to pull into the Holiday Inn parking lot. I finally parked my car, grabbed my purse and walked out towards the entrance. Not knowing where to go, I quickly spotted the reception desk and headed towards it.

“Hi, I would like to know in which room John O’Callaghan is staying, please,” I politely asked. She smiled and turned to her computer.

“He’s in room 323, with a Jared Monaco, would you like me to call him down?” She asked.

“No, that’s fine… Can I please have the key to his room? I want to surprise him,” I explained, hoping I’d landed a cool receptionist.

“I don’t usually do this, but I will just this once. You must be his girlfriend, I’m guessing?” She asked as she placed a keycard in the programmer.

“Yes, that’s right. Thank you so much for doing this,” I added as she handed me the key and I headed for the elevator.

Once the doors opened on the third floor, I took a right down the long hall. 319…321…323. I slid my card in and pushed the door opened. To my surprise, the room was empty. No John, No Jared; just a couple of unzipped suitcases and some guitars held up in the corner.

I sat on the left bed near the window. John’s bed I was sure; he loved getting a breeze at night and hearing the city roar quietly. I looked around the room and not knowing what to do, I unpacked his pajamas and his toothbrush and set everything down next to me. As I walked to the bathroom, I heard the door budge and swing open. Nervously, I popped my head out and hoped it was him.

“Hey Kenny,” I said, disappointed. He turned around and faced me with both astonishment and disbelief.

“Ali, what are you doing here?” He asked, taking a sip of water.

“I came to see John. I know it’s cliché, but I don’t know… I couldn’t leave him without seeing him again,” I added awkwardly. I hated telling him this kind of stuff without knowing whether or not he still had feelings for me.

“So, I guess you were expecting someone else to walk through the door, huh?” He mocked.

“Technically yes, but I’m still happy to see you. Look, Kenny—”

“It’s okay Ali; I get it. Don’t worry about it,” he explained, smiling.

“Thank you,” I replied. “Do you have any idea where he is?”

“I came up to check on him actually. He left this house party we were at really wasted and he hasn’t come back since. I have no clue where he could be, sorry,” he explained.

“It’s okay, I’ll just wait here.”

“Right, well I’m going to call it a day. I’m in the room right next door if you need anything,” he added as he walked to the door.

“Thanks Kenny, I’ll come by later to say bye,” I added. He nodded and stepped out. I had nothing left to do but wait here, feeling helpless. I decided I’d get some air out on the balcony. I opened the door and stepped out. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it, but I told myself that I’d know when I saw him. Minutes passed and I eagerly waited by the railing, pacing up and down the corridor.

Suddenly, the door next to John’s room moved and creaked opened. I turned around curiously. There he stood; John, in his boxers and socks, holding his pants, shirt and shoes in his hands. He looked stunned to see me and then his face changed once he finally figured out that I knew exactly who he was in the room with and what they did.

“Ali, wait,” he yelled out as he tripped over a leg of his jeans. It was too late; I was already walking to the elevator, holding back the tears. He trailed close behind.

“Ali, wait; it’s not what you think—”

“I can’t believe I came all the way here for you, you little shit. Get away from me,” I yelled furiously as I pushed the down button.

“Nothing happened—”

“You’re just going to stand there and pretend that nothing happened and lie to my face. For once in your life John, tell me the truth,” I yelled back.

“You want to know the truth? Fine! The truth is I was drunk out of my mind and Amber took advantage of it. We made out and she wanted to go further and I stopped her—” He didn’t have a chance to finish before I slapped him across the cheek.

“You fucking asshole! The letter didn’t mean anything to you did it?” I yelled at him, sobbing.

“Of course it did! I love you Ali—”

“You don’t know what the fuck love is. Where the hell in the elevator?” I added, pushing the button numerous times.

“I would have never let this happen if I was sober—”

“So what, you’re going to blame this whole thing on the alcohol?”

“Yeah—”

“It’s not because of that, John,” I shouted at him, “It’s because you think with your dick. That’s why this happened. Why don’t you take responsibilities for your actions?” I yelled just as the elevator came up.

“Please Ali, don’t go.”

“I don’t have any more reason to stay.”

“I love you,” he said and pressed his lips to mine. I pushed him away instinctively.

“That’s not enough anymore,” I replied and stepped into the elevator.

“Please Ali…”

“Just forget it,” I sobbed as the elevator door shut. I came towering down. I could barely breathe I cried so hard. I had no where to go and it was too late to drive back to Tempe.

“Hi, I’d like to rent a room for the night,” I told the receptionist, eyes still red from crying.

“I’m sorry miss, all our rooms are full. You can try looking at another hotel down the street,” she suggested.

“No it’s fine. Thank you anyways,” I said, stepping away from the counter. I thought about sleeping inside my car, but I didn’t trust LA enough for that. I locked myself in a bathroom cell thinking about where I could go and what I could do. That’s when Kennedy popped into my mind. I was vulnerable. I wanted him. I needed him.

The elevator brought me back up the third floor. I tiptoed down the hall; hoping john wasn’t anywhere to be found. Luckily, the hallway was free and I walked down quickly. I knocked on 321 in hopes that he was alone.

“Ali, what’s wrong?” he asked as I put my arms around him. I guess my eyes were still red and puffy.

“Do you love me?” I asked as he put his hands on my waist.

“What’s this about?”

“Just answer the question. Do you love me?” I repeated, putting my head in the crook of his neck.

“Yes, I love you. So much Ali; I want you so much,” he whispered in my ear.

“Then show me, tonight. All night,” I whispered back. He tilted my head up and crashed his lips to mine. I shut the door behind me and we made our way to the bed. I didn’t stop him when he laid me down on the bed. I didn’t stop him when the clothes came off either. I just couldn’t.

Once morning began piercing through the curtains, I abruptly woke up, cuddled in Kennedy’s arms. It then hit me; I just slept with my ex-boyfriend’s best friend to get back at him. I don’t sleep around and worst of all, I hurt Kennedy. I completely took advantage of him in every way; I felt so ashamed. I managed to get up without waking him, grabbed my clothes off the floor and tiptoed to the bathroom. I took a quick shower, got dressed and slowly opened the door. I gazed over at the bed, he was still sound asleep. I looked around for my shoes but I just couldn’t seem to find them.

“They’re under the bed I think,” Kennedy called from behind me, yawning.

“Thanks,” I shyly replied as I crouched down to grab them.

“So, you’re still leaving?”

“I don’t have a choice, Kenny,” I answered. I needed to leave. I needed yet another fresh start.

“There’s always a choice. Please, stay with me. I need you stay—”

“But I need to go! Nothing can ever happen between us. You deserve better. I was just a bump in the road and you’ll get over me,” I shot back at him.

“So last night was just—”

“It was what it was. I’ll always remember it, but nothing can come of it, I’m sorry,” I added once more. I didn’t want to let him talk; I didn’t want to hear how much I hurt him.

“It was always about John, wasn’t it? Even last night was about him—”

“That was completely uncalled for Kennedy,” I shouted back.

“Look at me and tell me that it’s not true. Tell me that what happened was because you felt the same way I do about you,” he yelled.

“I can’t answer that,” I whispered, looking to the ground.

“Than there’s nothing left to say,” he added. We just stood there for a while, none of us having the nerve to look at one another.

“I’ll leave then, bye Kenny,” I said as I placed a kiss on his warm, unshaven cheek.

“Just go; I can’t stand goodbyes,” he responded. I grabbed my bag and stepped out.