We're Going Live

“Dolly, don’t you goddamn dare,” Gerard ground out, wiping two wet locks of hair from his eyes, “We came out to get food not to go and see Mikey!” he hissed, clutching his plastic bag, “If you even think about it-“

“-I want to see him though,” I stressed, “Just for five minutes? Please, please, please?” I begged, “Just for a couple seconds I just really wanna see him!” I begged, tugging on his sleeve, “Five minutes?”

“No!” he said, trying to drag me back, “He doesn’t want to see you!”

“I want to see him!” I strained, trying to run back up the drive.

“Fine you go fuck my brother and I’ll go back home!” he hissed, “Go on then!” he managed to hiss out instead of yell. I dithered on the drive, watching Gerard stalk down the road. I was able to keep my cool before I ran up the drive and knocked on the door rapidly, “Oh my god! You’re actually doing it! Do you have any sense!” Gerard shouted, through the rain so it sounded stifled.

“Gerard I just wanna see Mikey for three seconds…” I trailed off as Gerard stalked off down the road. I rubbed my temples, jumping slightly when Mikey suddenly threw open the door.

“What the fuck? Get inside! Where’s he going?” Mikey questioned, “Get your butt back here Gee!” Mikey yelled, “Ren? What’s happening, get inside, get inside now,” he ushered me in, taking my coat from me and propping it on the radiator.

“Mikes, I gotta go in three seconds so I can go make sure Gerard’s okay,” I rambled, “I just wanted to see you because I haven’t seen you in forever, so I just wanted to go see you and… and uhm,” I stopped when he hugged me, letting out a large sigh, “I just haven’t seen you in ages,” I murmured.

“Yeah, I got it, but you can’t stay here. It’s been what? Three, four days? The police have been round here 24. They keep taking samples and shit to see if your hiding out. You wanna see Charlie quick?” he asked in a rush. I nodded hurriedly and walked quickly up the stairs towards Mikey’s bedroom, finding Charlie gurgling quietly in his cot.

“Hey,” I murmured, picking him up and snuggling into his nose, kissing his scrunched forehead speedily but happily.

“Where have you and Gerard been then?” Mikey asked off handedly, obviously trying to get the answer out of me as I joggled Charlie gently. He looked different, Charlie I mean. If he was with me of Gerard we’d leave him to potter around in his baby Motorhead shirt and a diaper. Mikey had set him up fully clothed, even socks.

“You know I can’t say Mikey,” I said, winding a long strand of dark brown hair around my finger.

I couldn’t help but shiver when Mikey rested his chin on top of my head and wound his arms around my waist. My intestines twisted themselves in a complicated knot, my muscles tensing with worry. I forgot how alluring he could be at times, I almost hated it. The heating was on full blast, the covers bunched up in a neat ‘Mikey’ way. The whole atmosphere just pulled my brain into a frenzy.

“I’d never say, ever, come on. Please?” he questioned, tightening his grip on my stomach. I continued to gently joggle Charlie on my hip, “Just so I can stop worrying, I worry so much y’know?” he said, his glasses nudging against the side of my head.

“I can’t say, I wish I could, but I promised…” I stopped, my voice fading when I felt his nose against my neck. My stomach fell weak, really weak. My legs turned to string and for a moment I thought Charlie might plop from my arms, so I placed him back in his crib, having a second away from Mikey.

“Just tell me quick, I’ll pretend I never, ever heard,” he whispered so quietly I could barely here him.

“Nuh-uh,” I shook my head, stepping away from the warm cavern of his arms. I wished I hadn’t.

“But… but I… what if something happens? I’ll know where you are then?” he said, scratching his leg, “Ren… please. I just need to know that you’re safe, I just need to know that,” he whispered. I mulled it over in my brain, I thought, that maybe, I could just whisper it extremely quickly. I would have barely said anything then, “I promise I won’t say –don’t you trust me?” he asked, swallowing.

“Of course I trust you. I just… sit down okay? I haven’t told you anything,” I said, cupping my hands over his ears and whispering it quickly, feeling paranoid that some one else was listening.

It felt strange, leaning over Mikey again. The last time we’d ever been this close was for Gerard’s video. I couldn’t help but let my mind wonder to what happened. How everything felt, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, what I saw. I could tell Mikey was thinking the same thing, I could tell. Whever he was thinking about something he shouldn’t be, he scrunched his nose up and his cheeks always flushed lightly.

“It’s okay, I’m thinking about it too,” I reassured him, moving away slightly and staring at my converse.

“I always think about it,” Mikey murmured, his cheeks turning an impressive shade of bright red, “When I’m on my own… that’s all I think about. But I just pretend the camera wasn’t there,” he said, turning towards me bravely, “But, what always plagues my mind is that,” he paused, his lips pursed, “One part of you must have wanted it, you didn’t know there was a camera, did you?”

“No, I didn’t,” I murmured.

“So you must have wanted me just a little bit?” he asked, desperately, “My mom keeps telling me I should just move on. She says that I’m hanging onto a old school hook, whatever that’s supposed to mean. But I can’t let go, I need you really badly. Just one more time? I don’t even know what to say. I don’t if you want some kind of romantic dinner, I don’t know if you just want me to go for it, I don’t know if you even like me like that anymore… I barely know who I am anymore,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

He took my hand, out skin contrasting indifferently. My hand was pale, almost turning blue with prominent veins and tendons, my nails covered in sparkly blue nail varnish. Mikey’s was a warm tan, long fingers and perfectly bitten nails.

“I know how you feel,” I murmured, unable to think of anything helpful to say.

“I can’t… I can’t do anything anymore. I feel dead, I can’t eat or sleep or even hold a proper conversation with my own mother. I used to have things so sussed y’know? And then… and then you came along and my whole head is just muddled. You’ve always wowed me. Everything about you, you’re ability to talk about everything in a different light, the way you talk so honestly. I guess if I hadn’t have been so normal and boring and more like Gerard… I started counselling, to talk things through and I’m so goddamn boring-“ I stopped him.

“You’re not boring Mikey. You’re amazing, I love you. I do. You’re funny and smart. You’re handsome and you’re one of the best people to talk to ever. If I had sex with you now, it’s because I feel guilty and then I’d feel guilty about sleeping with you because I’d cheated on Gerard,” I said, “I don’t know what I can say. I’m sorry Mikey though, really,” I murmured, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I know, I know you are,” he whispered, his voice choked, “I’ll love no other girl like I love you.”

“I love you too Mikey,” I replied, meaning it too. I did love him, just differently.