Not So Innocent

“How did it feel?”

“Weird?”

Hands banished to pockets, shoes kicking dirt.

Sharpe ivory enamel biting red-gnawed fingers.

Silence.

“Let’s never mention this. Ever.”

“Yeah.” There was a short pause. Thoughts and words being collected. “Never do this again?”

“No.”

Silence growing, expanding. Bigger and bigger and suffocating.

Fingers scratching neck and every movement uncomfortable and out of place; deranged by the lack of noise pushing against them.

“You we’re good though.”

“Oh, no. No. Don’t talk about it,” Jon laughed, scrunching up his face.

“But you were,” Shawn insisted, an embarrassed smile adoring his lips.

“Yeah?” Jon seemed to think about if for a while. “Don’t think I’ll do it. Again. Because I won’t.”

“C’mon! Take a compliment! Don’t be shy!” Shawn laughed.

Jon just shook his head.

“Okay. Okay.” Jon said slowly, smiling. “Then you were good too.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“No, no. You were soo good. So good.” He licked his lips, looking up as if reliving it to put more emphasis to his words.

“Liar.”

“No.” Jon immediately began grinning.

“I can see that you’re lying. You smile like that and so I know you’re not- you don’t mean what you say.”

Jon simply laughed at him again – a laugh that was just a tad too loud and a tiny bit unnatural.

“I can do better.”

Jon’s laugh died. They started at each other. Then the younger man slowly started to shake his head.

“No-”

“I could. I can,” Shawn interrupted, eyes big big and serious, voice carrying a trace of, of anxiousness?

The younger man’s head continued to move from side to side and he scrunched up his face once more.

“I- we- just. Said not. No.”

“Why?”

“Just. Because.” He stopped moving his head to look Shawn in the eye. He held his friend’s gaze but he just couldn’t seem to figure out what the look in Shawn’s eyes meant. The feeling Shawn could see what he was thinking started growing though.

Jon looked away.

“Why.” Shawn’s voice was softer, gentle. Not really carrying the touch of a question.

Jon felt fingers roughened by guitar-strumming slide from his jaw up to his ear and how Shawn tenderly cupped his face. He leaned in a little against his friend’s hand and closed his eyes for just a second.

“Why, Jon.” It was but a whisper, voice like velvet, lips the softest of smiles.

“Let’s not-.” Jon’s voice died out.

“What would you do if I kissed you again?” There was a twinkle of curiosity in the older man’s eyes, the kind of someone suspecting to know the answer but who just has to find out whether or not it really is as assumed.

Without answering Jon lowered his gaze hoping it would make things less awkward. But it didn’t help. Shawn’s face was too close. And his hand was still on Jon’s cheek.

The younger man didn’t quite know what to do; he even thought about kissing Shawn first and maybe that would make things less weird. A quick kiss, over and done with. But that he disregarded as a stupid idea rather quickly.

“Jon.”

At the mentioning of his name he looked up again, noticing that the singer had begun looking slightly amused. At the sight thoughts started flickering through Jon’s head and he had a hard time clinging onto anything. Was it a good sign? Not so very good at all sign? He had no idea. When it came to Shawn there was sometimes no way of knowing.

“No.”

“No?” Shawn echoed with a hint of barley there laughter in his voice.

Once again their eyes met and Jon tried to smile but it was too wide and too strained. He let it fade and decided to close his eyes again. A small sigh escaped him. Shortly after the tingling sensation of another body being mere inches away trickled down his skin but he did not move even as warm wafts began sweeping onto his face in faint caresses. And as his heart began trembled like a kitten filled with too much emotion for its tiny body Jon felt smooth, plump lips press against his own.

The kitten tripped and tumbled into a fluffy, quivering heap.

The young man’s fingers fumbled and found the fabric of Shawn’s shirt to hold on to and he gripped it tightly, crumpling it into his hands, and then there were footsteps scratch scratch scratching through gravel, dense sound of a body tumbling-slammed into closest vertical surface and Jon found himself pinned up against the tourbus with Shawn pressed against him; their lips crashing together and breaking free over and over and over.

Dewdrop-pregnant night-air luring steam from their bodies, the soft sound of sunless hours, warmth finding its way through clothes and inhales exhales to fill the tiny little world they were wrapped up in created the frame to a scene the young guitarist never thought he would find himself in.

Jon dragged a deep breath, inhaling the night. With eyes half-closed and mouth still slightly open he then leaned in slowly slowly finding his band mate’s lips and putting his against them, carbon dioxide zippering free. A jolt went thought him as Shawn breathed in sharply and braced his feet against the ground, urgently shoving himself against Jon craving the physical contact but unable to struggle closer. Unless Jon moved his legs the two men were already squashed as close together as possible.

“Jon.” Soft, faint, yet quivering oh so demanding murmur. Eyes still closed, breathing trembling.

The younger man could hear every nuance of red-shade passion in the one word whisper. The taste of curiosity stolen from cherry-kissed lips still lingered on his tongue, his blood was dancing through veins swelling against feverishly warm skin and his lungs greedily stole the air softly hitting his face with Shawn’s every exhale. It all filled up his mind – keeping it distracted from synapses sending signals and nerves luring muscles to move.

Not until he felt the inside of his thighs press against the outside of Shawn’s did his mind stop pretending it wasn’t aware of what the body was doing.

Jon’s eyelids fluttered open. A slight frown pulled at his eyebrows, bother pushing the softness off his features.

He stayed quiet and still long enough for Shawn to open his eyes as well. Confusion clouding up the excitement shimmering in irises that were glowing as if he had stolen some of the starts and hid them there, an impatience radiating from his being, something almost displeased or annoyed flickering across hi face – all hitting Jon somewhere in the guts as he studied his friend.

His frown grew deeper.

Anyone could walk by and see them. And what would they say? How could they explain? Question after question rolled in and splashed out upon his mind in crushing waves of puzzlement. And any answers seemed to get washed away back out at sea before he even had the chance to as much as glance at them. Perhaps it was just as well – perhaps they couldn’t survive out of water.

“No.” He muttered again; face scrunching up and head moving slightly from side to side.

Shawn sighed at him and Jon stopped to look his band mate in the eye. There was some annoyance there. Then an air of resignation swept across Shawn’s features and with both hands palm pressed against the tourbus he pushed himself off step step step away back, head bowed down, fist clenched knuckle-whitening and retinas menacing dark tarns instead of a velvety bed of stars.

Jon leaned his upper body against the bus, put up a leg against it as support and crossed his arms momentarily.

“It’s not. That’s-a. Just not a good. Idea.” Mumble, mumble, frowning, head moving from side to side, fingers playing with the hems of his t-shirt.

Shawn kicked the dirt.

“And what would we say?” Jon continued in a low voice.

“About what?” Shawn looked at him, eyes clearing up.

“This-a. Eh, us. What-a went on.”

The older man shrugged his shoulders at first, uninterested in the answers. Then he saw the troubled look on his friends face and his own face was cleaved into a broad grin.

“What would you tell them?” the lead singer grinned, laughter fizzling thorough his words in a playful stream.

“Let’s not talk about that.” Joe scrunched up his face yet again.

“Would you say I kissed you? C’mon, man, you’re way stronger than me. No one would buy that.” Play-pretend-serious voice carrying undertones of amusement.

“Just-a, eh. I don’t-. Maybe-. We-a. You. I.” The words tripped over themselves and fell into a mumble and Jon’s gaze shied away towards the ground. His hands that had been tugging at his clothing escapade into the pockets of his pants as he went quiet.

“Maybe what?”

From the corner of his eye Jon could see a tiny glint glimmering in his friend’s eyes and it sent his gaze smashing itself even harder against the gravel, clawing at the tiny pieces of stone for a place to hide.

“Maybe you could say we’re dating so we can marry.”

Jon’s head snapped up.

“We, we, we, wha-eh?” He stared at Shawn.

“Well, if you’d marry Matt you’d, you know. I’m a, a way better catch. So like, if you would marry him you’d definitely go to the altar with me. I’m way, like, waay more attractive than him.”

“You’re. Mean. So I’d. Go whit, eh. I’d pick-a. Matt.” The younger man grinned, his hands dancing over the seam at the bottom of his t-shirt once again.

“Meany,” he then added in the silence that followed, the grin still claiming his lips.

“Matt doesn’t wanna marry you though,” Shawn pointed out, mocking tone mixed up with suppressed laughter making a badly put on charade out of his words and facial expression.

“Oh, true,” Jon laughed. Then self-satisfaction tugged at his face and crooked his eyebrows.

Shawn raised an eyebrow of his own at him and more and more a blank stare began creeping onto his face.

“But you’d want to?” Jon asked, keeping a straight face for a few seconds after falling silent. And then it collapsed in chuckles.

Shawn said nothing.