Dirty Journalism

“I’m going to get some breeeeakfast, I’m going to have some baaaaacon…”

Max was singing as he walked down the empty hallways. With all other students in classes for the week, he was free to sing as loudly as he wanted about the most random things. On this morning, he sang “The Breakfast Song.”

“Maybe some paaaaaancakes, or a yummy protein shaaaaake… SHIT!”

As he turned the corner, Max almost collided with another person, but swerved out of the way and ended up toppling over. He looked up to see an agitated Jackie holding a rolled up yoga mat.

“What are you doing here?” Max asked stupidly, standing up.

Jackie narrowed her eyes at him. “Um, I’m going to the roof for morning yoga. Like I always do on Tuesdays.”

Max raised his eyebrows at her. “We have this week off, you don’t have to go to any of your classes.”

“Well I want to go to this one!” she snapped.

Max smirked. “Can you float?”

“Can I… float?”

“Yeah, can you sit with your legs crossed and float in the air?” Max asked. “Don’t tell me your yoga class doesn’t include floating, that’s just wrong!”

Jackie rolled her eyes. “You’re so immature,” she mumbled, pushing past him.

“Wait!” Max exclaimed suddenly. Jackie stopped and swiveled around, an incredibly annoyed look on her face.

“What?” she asked angrily.

“I didn’t mean it,” Max said, completely serious.

Jackie shook her head at him in frustration. “I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

“What I said last night, before I left your room,” Max explained. “I shouldn’t have said that, and I’m sorry.”

Jackie rolled her eyes for the second time. “Yeah, whatever,” she muttered, turning around and continuing to walk down the hall.

Max followed her. “I’m seriously sorry,” he said, catching up to her. Jackie didn’t look at him. He tried a different approach. “Look, Jackie, I’m trying to be nice to you.”

Jackie snorted. “Why? What reason could either of us possibly have to act anything but awful toward each other?”

“We don’t have any reason,” Max said. “I hate you, and you hate me. But I didn’t mean what I said last night, and I want you to accept my apology.”

They reached the stairs to the roof. Jackie paused and turned to Max, her eyes narrowed. “Stop acting weird,” she ordered. “If you’re bizarrely polite to me, I’ll feel obligated to be nice to you, and that’s not easy for me.”

Max grinned. “It seems like you’re the immature one, Jackie,” he said, leaning against the door to the roof. “You can’t get over this feud for even five seconds to accept the fact that I’m apologizing to you.”

Jackie pushed the door open so that Max stumbled backwards. “I hate you,” she said firmly. “Nothing, no matter what, will ever change that. Get the hell out of my way.”

Max had forgotten about breakfast by now, he was too interested in annoying Jackie. “I think I’ll take yoga with you!” he said brightly, as Jackie began to walk up the stairs.

“I don’t think so.”

Max followed her closely. “The teacher is Ms. Magaña, right? That crazy Spanish teacher who spent five years in a hut in Brazil because she wanted to learn Portuguese?”

“Apparently she scared off all the locals who were going to teach her, so she came back to New York to teach Spanish,” Jackie said, still not turning around to face Max. “But she’s a certified yoga expert, so it’s not like she’s an insane woman who teaches people how to float.”

“Well, regardless of whether we learn how to float or not, I want to take yoga,” Max said, knowing how badly he must be irritating Jackie and enjoying it immensely.

To his surprise, Jackie whipped around and said, “Fine, whatever you want. Take yoga. Who knows, maybe you’ll feel great afterwards.”

Max shrugged. “I do here it has many benefits.”

With a smile, Jackie said, “I take yoga because it relieves menstrual cramps.”

Max stared at her for a moment, squirming uneasily. “Um, okay. Why would you tell me that?”

Jackie turned back around and climbed the final stairs as she said, “Because I knew it would make you immensely uncomfortable.”

Max shook his head in disbelief at Jackie–the one girl who could beat him at his own game.

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“Fantastic, Mr. Leopold! Look class! Our newest student has mastered the head stand in just one lesson!”

Max managed to flash Jackie a triumphant smile even when he was upside down, his legs shooting to the sky and his arms creating a firm base beneath him. Jackie rolled her eyes and looked away, but found it difficult. Max’s shirt was falling in his face, revealing a nicely toned stomach that was making every other girl in the class giggle uncontrollably.

But Max didn’t even glance at the many giggling girls–he was staring at the stubborn one directly behind him, who was carefully avoiding his eyes. He smirked to himself.

“I can just feel the menstrual cramps fading away!” Max exclaimed loudly enough for the girls around him to hear but not loud enough for Ms. Magaña to catch. The girls began giggling, if possible, even more.

Jackie couldn’t stand it. “Ms. Magaña?” she asked politely.

“Yes, Ms. Bodello?”

“Can we do partner massages? I feel the need to connect with another individual,” Jackie said, quite blatantly BS-ing. She really just wanted any excuse to focus on another person than Max.

“What an inspiring idea, Miss Bodello!” Ms. Magaña said whimsically. “Partner massages truly help individuals to connect with others on physical and emotional levels.”

Instantly, every girl looked hopefully at Max, who had come out of his headstand and was attempting to fix his hair. Jackie moved toward the girl sitting next to her, but Ms. Magaña said, “Why don’t you join Mr. Leopold?”

Jackie stared at Ms. Magaña, trying very hard not to start screaming. “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Jackie said slowly.

“Nonsense, my dear!” the enthusiastic woman exclaimed, yanking Jackie up and scooting her over to where Max was sitting, looking equally mortified. “Connect with Mr. Leopold, massage away his troubles with your powerful hands, feel his muscles and loosen them with your touch!”

Jackie had to stop herself from gagging, but she still looked like she was prepared to throw up. Max didn’t look much better, especially when Ms. Magaña said, “And Mr. Leopold, you must become one with Ms. Bodello, you must mold your hands into her body, you must help her to release her tension as you knead your hands carefully into her back…”

“Alright, then!” Max said loudly, partly because Jackie had clapped her hand to her mouth in an effort to avoid puking, and partly because he himself was prepared to vomit if she kept using words like “knead” and “mold” to describe what he had to do to Jackie’s body.

“Loosen each other, my dears!” Ms. Magaña said airily as she walked away. “Feel each other, be each other!”

Max and Jackie sat staring at each other for ten seconds. Finally, Max moved forward to lie on his stomach. “Um,” he said awkwardly. “You can just pretend to touch me.”

Jackie nodded quickly. “Gladly!”

She placed her hands delicately on Max’s back and did her best to make it look as if she was kneading and molding and becoming one with the muscle. She kept her eyes glued on her hands, not looking at any of the envious girls around her who continuously shot her glares.

“Um, I’m done,” Jackie said quietly after a few minutes. Max shot up and scooted away from her a few inches. Ms. Magaña noticed the sudden movement and glanced over at them.

“My dear!” she called from across the roof. “Has Ms. Bodello succeeded in loosening you, relaxing you, manipulating your stiff spots?”

“Totally,” Max called back, flashing a thumbs up, though his face was screwed up in discomfort. He glanced at Jackie, who was pretending to be interested in the pattern of the yoga mat. “Uh, your turn. Lie down.”

Jackie slowly lowered herself onto her stomach and squeezed her eyes closed. “Just, you know, pretend with me too,” she said.

Max placed his hands on her back and began to fake-knead, but stopped for a moment. “You’re really stiff,” he noted, feeling along her back. “No wonder you’re always stressed.”

Jackie didn’t say anything, and was startled when he began to really work his hands into her back. She held her breath nervously, trying to think about anything else. Ladybugs. Or unicorns. Or huts in Brazil. Anything but the boy massaging her back.

“Breathe,” he told her quietly. With a small laugh, he added, “You’re going to pass out if you don’t breathe.”

Jackie released the breath she was holding, and Max continued to press his strong hands into her back. After a few more awkward minutes, Max said, “Do you feel a connection? Am I massaging away your troubles?”

Jackie snorted into the ground, earning some weird looks from surrounding girls and a laugh from Max. “No,” she said, moving her head to the side so he could hear her, “but it does feel good.”

“Your back is like a giant knot,” Max said, pushing his hands forcefully into her upper back. “Sorry if this hurts a little.”

“I feel bad. You’re giving me an actual massage, and I barely touched you,” Jackie said, though she wasn’t sure why, because she would normally feel good about denying Max of comfort.

“It’s okay, I don’t need a massage. My back is knot-free and insanely perfect.”

“Right, of course.”

“Have you had breakfast yet?” Max asked, changing the subject.

“No, why?”

“Because I’m going get some after this,” Max said slowly, hoping she’d catch on.

Jackie started to laugh. “Let me guess. You’re going to have bacon, pancakes, and a protein shake.”

Max was glad Jackie couldn’t see his face, because it turned deep red. “Um, you heard that, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jackie chuckled, “it was awesome. You should write some more songs.”

“How about this? Max and Jackie are doing yoooooooooooga, the teacher’s so crazy she should be in a toooooooga…”

Jackie laughed. “That doesn’t make any sense!”

“Well, I can’t think of anything else that rhymes with ‘yoga.’ Stop insulting my musical abilities,” Max said huffily.

“You should finish your breakfast song when we eat after this,” Jackie said.

Max smiled, glad Jackie couldn’t see. Jackie turned her head back toward the ground and smiled, glad that Max couldn’t see.

Ms. Magaña walked past them and whispered, “Yes, my dears, yes! I sense your connection, I can feel it!”

It took ten minutes for Max and Jackie to stop laughing once she walked away.

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In the next chapter of Dirty Journalism…

“You are such a jerk! You can’t see up my skirt, so you hate me?”
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“Your singing is making my ears bleed!”
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“Maybe this week will change things.”