A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

“How long have we been out here?” Zel asked, shutting her eyes against the setting sun.

Naomi lifted her cellphone to look at it. “Three hours, twenty minutes,” she replied, adjusting her head on Zel’s leg. The two were sitting outside the venue in which the guys were going to play soon. Hanging out was all well and good, but sitting in the freezing cold and hoping to god it wouldn’t snow could only be handled for so long.

“And why have we been waiting out here for three hours?” She shivered, tugging the sweatshirt she wore tighter. She’d borrowed it from Naomi and was convinced that she’d stolen it from Jack; it smelled like boy.

“So we can get a good spot.” Zel looked down at her friend sceptically. “What? You want to be able to see, don’t you?”

Zel ruffled her friend’s hair and gazed into the street. Her stomach had been hurting since before she and Naomi dropped her siblings off at their grandparents. She didn’t know whether it was because she was excited to see Rian and her new friends in action or because she was scared of confronting Alex. Or maybe of just admitting it to someone else. She still hadn’t figured out what she was going to say. “It’s music. What do I have to see?”

Cheers and whoops from the line went up around the corner, and the two girls looked up, one grinning widely and the other frowning worriedly. Zel looked relieved, however, when Jack and Rian appeared into view, greeting people as they looked for something. Or someone.

A grin spread across Jack’s face—or at least the half not covered by sunglasses—as he looked in their direction and eventually he and Rian made their way over. “Hellooooo, ladies,” he greeted, leaning over the barrier.

Naomi smiled up at him. “Hey, weirdo,” she said disinterestedly. Jack pouted and Zel gave a shaky chuckle. Naomi heaved a sigh. “Fiiiine.” She hopped up and gave him a tight hug.

“Don’t scare the teenies, Nay,” Zel advised, drawing her knees up to push herself to her feet. “Shouldn’t you boys be in there getting ready to wow us?”

“While you two are sitting out here in the cold?” Rian asked, waving to a girl trying to get their attention. “What kind of gentlemanly friends would we be?”

She arched an eyebrow at him disbelievingly. “You two, gentlemen? Fandonie.”

“Have I mentioned that’s hot?” Jack asked. Naomi swatted his arm, and he beamed at her. “Come on, Zel. You and Nay are coming back with us.” While Naomi bounced excitedly, making it easier for Jack to pull her over the barrier, Zel kept her face blank, head spinning. She’d forgotten that they were supposed to hang out backstage. “C’mon, it’s awesome!”

“If you wanted to convince me,” Zel said, leaning back against the building, “You should have sent the cute one.”

Naomi tilted her head at her, bemused. “That’s why I’m here!” Jack exclaimed, beaming.

She shook her head. “I’m not going back there.”

“But Alex talked security and everyone into letting you in like three days ago,” Rian said, confused. He gave her a suspicious look. “Did something happen? You don’t look too happy.”

Zel shrugged. “I just don’t think it’s fair,” she argued simply. “All these other people waiting in line to see you for hours and hours…”

“And they’re not my Ho-ho!” Jack argued emphatically. “Now get your sexy Italian ass over here! We got shit to do!”

Naomi pinched his side, making him squeak. “Stop hitting on my lesbian lover,” she ordered. He saluted and tugged Zel; he tried to pull her over the barrier like he had Naomi, but what with her being unaccommodating, he could barely get her off the ground. After a few minutes of snickering—both by the other three and fans—Rian rolled his eyes and pushed him aside, easily picking up his best friend.

Jack pouted. “I could’ve done that!” he protested as Rian set Zel on her feet.

“Sure, studmuffin,” Naomi said disbelievingly, patting his cheek as they walked past him. “Whatever you say.” Some fans called as they passed, disappointed at the guys’ lack of attention, some saying things like, “Jack, you can carry me anywhere!” and “Take me with you! I’m hotter than either of them!” That almost sent Naomi huddling over the barrier again, except that Zel and Jack caught her before she took three steps.

Zel looked around carefully before entering the guys’ dressing room: Capri Sun, milanos, and other munchies. Couch. Mirrors. Clothes. No Alex or Zack. She raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Rian, who flopped down on the couch. “Acoustic set,” he answered the unasked question. “Should be back in a while.”

“Oh.” She sat beside him and watched Jack and Naomi giggle and smooch over something. Turning away, she saw Rian scrutinising her.

“I might not have seen you in three years,” he said shrewdly, “But I’m not stupid, and I know you.” Zel blinked at him, hoping her expression didn’t betray her. “What’s up with you and Alex?”

She faltered. “Uh…”

“Let’s play a game!” Jack shouted. Grazie dio, Zel thought gratefully. Hopefully it would keep Rian’s attention away.

Unfortunately it didn’t, since every time Jack and Naomi got distracted—which Zel would be the first to point out they did a lot—Rian would ask the question again. Eventually, after a few hours, the couple with a penchant for falling off things fell off the couch and continued making out on the floor. Rian turned to Zel. “Now will you tell me?”

Seeing no way out of it, Zel cleared her throat. “Well… I was thinking—”

She never finished the thought, as Alex and Zack walked in, laughing about something. As everyone looked up at them, Zack’s smile widened even more while Alex’s turned sour, his eyes distinctly off Zel. She looked back uneasily as a slightly grim smile replaced his expression. “C’mon, bitches, we got a show to do!” he said, sounding forcedly like his usual self. He grinned at Naomi and Jack. “Hi, Nay. Hope you’re ready for some insanity.”

Zack watched Alex ignoring Zel and smiled apologetically at her. “Hey, Zel,” he greeted, grabbing a shirt to change into.

“Hi, Zack,” she muttered back, glancing uncomfortably at Rian. He gave her a prompting look. “Don’t you have drumming to do?”

Rian stood up, pulling her along with him. “Want me to kick his ass for you?” he asked seriously.

Zel cracked up at his expression and covered her mouth with a hand to try and recover herself. “You’re joking, right? He could totally take you. I could take you, Dawson.” Rian glared, but smiled after a moment, and went to get ready.

After a few minutes of watching the guys go through some weird ritual and trying desperately to take her eyes off Alex, Zel started when Naomi said it was show time. Apparently their manager had already been in and out. Alex still hadn’t even looked at her.

“He, uh, told me what happened.” Zel started, blinking up from the floor passing under her feet to stare at Zack, who was walking beside her. “It was really shitty what he did, and despite overacting, I can almost not blame him.”

“I don’t know what went wrong,” she whispered, hearing the hum of the audience grow closer. “I thought he liked me. Or does Alex go out and play tonsil hockey with sluts when he likes a girl?”

Zack smiled ruefully. “You said you didn’t like him,” he pointed out. “You hurt his pride, and you know how much Alex’s pride means to him.”

She stared wide-eyed at him before stealing a glance backwards: Jack and Naomi were walking hand-in-hand directly behind them. Sickeningly perfect in the most bizarre way. Following them, a good fifteen feet back, were Rian and Alex, looking like they were having a very serious conversation. Rian gestured forward, and Zel turned around as Alex looked forward.

“…I didn’t mean it.” Zel twitched a piece of hair behind her ear. “Well, maybe I did at the time, but Jack and Nay were making fun of me and it slipped out.” She paused, hearing the crowd roar as the lights went down. “But I do. Shit, Zack, but I really do like him.”

Zack picked up his bass from the rack and threw on the strap. He hesitated before leaning to kiss her cheek. “Honest? I’m jealous it wasn’t me.”

Zel watched him go onstage, followed by the rest of the guys, and snapped out of her trance just as Alex passed. “Alex,” she blurted, barely catching his sleeve. He stopped, setting his jaw and refusing to turn. Alex had done a great job, he thought, of pretending Zel didn’t exist; he had forgotten she would be there until he laid eyes on her and a surge of guilt ran through him. But Alex wouldn’t give in. If she didn’t want him, he didn’t want her either.

Zel swallowed hard. “Buona fortuna.” Alex tugged his arm away and jogged out to the mic.

Naomi caught her friend’s wistful expression she leaned next to her against a large box. “You’re such a liar,” she said with a laugh. “You’ve got it soooooo bad for him.”

Her friend sighed beside her. “Not helping, Naomi.”

Zel had to squash the overwhelming urge to dance like a crazy person—or Naomi—several times throughout the set. Initially she laughed at Jack’s ridiculously high kicks and jumps, but when she thought about it, they were really kind of cool. Zack was too far on the either side of the stage to really see what he was doing, but when he came back to Rian behind the drumset, she could see he was having an amazing time just like Rian was. Zel had never seen anyone flail and make noise so elegantly.

She tried her hardest not to stare at Alex, but something about him onstage demanded her attention. Even when he and Jack were throwing insults and jokes back and forth, even when he slipped and looked back at Zel and Naomi, quickly turning his attention back to needless tuning his guitar, she still couldn’t help herself.

Zel was pretty sure Alex was about to tell Jack to just bring Naomi out already, since most of his attention was on her, and Naomi apparently thought the same thing since she pulled Zel’s arm during the last song. “Let’s go help Delicious with merch!” she shouted over the music.

Helping with merch turned out to be a good idea, since the guys definitely needed help, particularly after the show ended. Zel didn’t know how people could be so rude to people who were helping them and taking their money; apparently merch people qualified less as people than the band.

Working gave Zel something to do with her hands and to distract from thinking about Alex. Or not. He was all she could think about. Was he really so affected by a stupid outburst that he wanted to make her jealous? Well, he’d succeeded. So what now?

Eventually the crowd dwindled down, and when she asked, Zel was told that everyone was probably gone or outside talking to the band. “Where we’ll be!” Naomi finished, tugging her by the wrist again.

“You are far too excited about talking to them,” Zel muttered, shaking her head.

A mass of people clustered at the bottom of the venue steps, huddling around the guys for autographs, pictures, randomness, and probably warmth. Zel watched Naomi launch headfirst into the throng and sat down on the stairs, lightly dusted with snow, with a sigh. She waved when Rian and Zack smiled and beckoned her over, but refused to move; she didn’t want to eaten by fangirls.

Her stomach churned, goading her as she watched Alex. No time like the present, she thought, remembering her mother’s favourite phrase and climbing to her feet. Zel squeezed her way through the thinning horde and stopped beside Alex; she knew he saw her since his jaw tightened as he grinned for a picture.

“I’m busy,” he said shortly when she opened her mouth. So Zel leaned back, crossing her arms, and waited. She wouldn’t admit it, but she embodied the stereotype of stubborn Italians when she set her mind to something.

As he signed autographs and chatted with fans, Alex kept glancing over at Zel, standing outside the little group around him, watching the other guys interact with people. A slick, guilty feeling coated his stomach. Yeah, he was an asshole, he admitted, but she had no right to…

Actually he had no idea what she had no right to do.

Suddenly Alex found that no one was around anymore. Well, not no one—some fans were still milling around—but there was only space between him and Zel. His eyes trailed up from her shoes to her legs to the jacket she was hugging to her to her necklace to her face. She was staring at her shoes, at the snow falling on the ground. Slowly she looked up at him.

They stood in terse silence for a while before Zel finally managed to murmur, “Can we go somewhere private?” He nodded silently and brushed past her towards the stage-entrance; Zel followed sullenly. She still didn’t know what to say.

“Where do you get off telling Jack you don’t like me? Alex demanded, turning on his heel. Zel stopped short, careful not to run into him. “At least have the fucking decency to tell me to my face, instead of bitching to Naomi and Jack behind my back.” He rolled his eyes, grumbling, “Fuckin’ cocktease. God.”

Zel gaped at him, speechless. That didn’t last long though. “How dare you… you fucking prick!” she exclaimed. Alex blinked; he’d never heard Zel swear before. “You go behind my back and snake your tongue down some slut’s throat because you heard from Jack that I don’t like you? You goddamn hypocrite, Alex!”

He stared at her incredulously. “You fucking serious? You used me, Zel! You fucking led me on!”

“I led you on? Things were great until you brought that bitch in Monday’s! Multo cazzo stupido tu sei?!”

Alex growled in aggravation, tugging his hair. “Don’t talk in Italian, it makes me feel like a retard!”It makes me want to jump you. “And don’t even bring her up. It’s your fucking fault; if you liked me—”

“I do like you, Alex!” Zel yelled, smacking her forehead. “Why do you think I put up with all your stupid shit? Why do you think I’m here?”

“Yeah? Prove it!”

Moving faster that either of them could think, Zel grabbed Alex by the shoulders and pushed him back against the building, his back hitting the wall with a dull thud. For a moment surprise coloured his eyes rather than anger, and she seized the opportunity to extinguish the distance between them. Pinning him against the wall with her body, Zel pressed her lips hard against Alex’s, savouring the outlet for the flood of passionate anger in her and relishing the feeling of Alex melting into her.

His hands trailed up from her hips, up her sides, and lighted on her shoulders. Almost as quickly as she overtook him, Alex pushed Zel off him. She stumbled a step back, looking up at him, her jade eyes muddled with fear and hurt. Before Zel could voice her injury, Alex grasped her wrists and nearly swept her off her feet as he pressed her against the wall, forcing his mouth onto hers and pinning her hands by her head. She opened her lips for him, returning his kiss with the same fervour, but pushed her shoulders against the wall, pressing her torso out against his in a weak, reluctant attempt to break free. In response Alex groaned, fingers tightening around her wrist.

Eventually—much too soon in part of both their minds—the pair broke apart, breathless and light-headed. Zel barely noticed the snow falling on both their heads, sticking to their hair and melting faster than she could examine the delicate patterns. “Believe me?” she whispered against his lips.

A grin crossed Alex’s face and his eyes glittered. “I dunno,” he replied, raising an eyebrow briefly. “I might need some more evidence.” Zel gave him a wry smile and Alex let one of her wrists go to run a hand through her hair and kiss her again.

Trying not to get lost in the moment, Zel turned her head away. “Alex, shouldn’t you help the guys move equipment?”

Alex, however, was not one to be stymied and planted kisses across her jaw and down her neck. “Maybe.” Zel’s eyelids fluttered. “They’d understand—” kiss “if I left—” kiss “and went—” His teeth grazed across her skin, making her stomach jump and her heart pound. “Back to your place.”

Zel’s cheeks flushed. “Alex,” she began hesitantly. He pulled back and looked at her with deep, soulful brown eyes, forcing her to look away. “I don’t think…” She sighed, frustrated.

“You’re not ready, I get it,” he said simply, almost dismissively. Alex smiled slightly. “But… I want to spend the night with you..” Zel hesitated, deliberating in her head. She knew the chances of something happening were pretty high. And she knew she wanted something to happen eventually… but she still had the reasonless desire to keep things at a slow pace.

Zel licked her lips and held Alex’s gaze with a concealed expression. When he looked hopeful, she wiggled the fingers on the hand he still had pinned, and when he released it, she laced their hands together. “You never struck me as the type to be a gentleman,” she observed.

Alex grinned, stepping back and gently pulling her with him. “That’s why you’re the brains of this operation.”

“Does that make you my trophy boy?”

“Babe, I’ll be anything you want.”

“Cheesy, Alex, not suave.”