A Note for My Head Asking What My Heart Said

Zel was grateful, if somewhat disappointed, that Alex was gone when her alarm went off the next morning. He didn’t leave a note. They’d dozed off on the couch during the movie and had relocated to her bed when they woke up during an explosion; Zel smirked to herself when Alex moped as he changed after unsuccessfully trying to convince her not to change in the bathroom.

But mostly, she thought as she dressed for work, she was thankful Luciano had already gone to bed by the time they got in. They’d have to have a talk soon about his taking exception to Alex. Even if the longest it would last was until Alex went back on tour.

“Are you making a special breakfast for your birthday?” Stephania asked, appearing in the doorway to the kitchen.

Zel looked over her shoulder, wishing that her sister had forgotten what day it was. “Do you want pancakes?” she asked. “I can make you and Lu pancakes.”

Ania toddled over. “I wanted to make breakfast for you, but you said I can’t use the stove til’ I’m bigger.” She pouted, making Zel smiled as she turned back to making omelettes. “And Lu said he couldn’t because he needed to finish wrapping your present.”

“Luciano got me a present?”

The little girl in boots gasped, covering her mouth with both hands. “Oops! I wasn’t supposed to tell you! Aww, I ruined the surprise!”

“Don’t worry, bambina,” Zel said, patting her head. “I’ll still be surprised.”

Luciano was a master at keeping secrets, and aside from wishing his older sister a happy nineteenth birthday, he said nothing about presents or anything throughout the morning. She watched him suspiciously as he walked with Stephania into the school and only drove off when some overbearing, stressed parent behind her honked.

Zel stopped, hand outstretched for the back door of the salon, when her phone went off. Rolling her eyes slightly, she dug it out of her purse. “Zack, I’m about to begin work,” she said in a hush, quietly slinking in. “And it’s 8 in the morning. What are you doing awake?”

“Wondering what you’re doing today,” he replied casually. “And I’m always up this early. The waves are better in the morning, and usually the tourists don’t hit the beach until about ten.”

She shook her head as she stowed her purse in her cubicle. “Strange boy, you. Well, I’m working until four and then picking up my brother and sister to go over to da miei nonni.”

“…English, please. It’s eight in the morning.”

“My grandparents’ house,” she laughed, shrugging off her coat. “Huge family dinner. You know the story.”

Zack shuddered on his side of the phone, and it was not due to cold of the Atlantic. “Oh don’t I,” he muttered. “Is it someone’s birthday or something? I dunno if Italian families have huge dinners for no reason…”

“Er, yeah,” Zel hesitated, tying back her hair. She didn’t want to let it slip; not even Naomi knew it was her birthday, and if she found out or if Zack found out, Zel was doomed to being dragged out for the night by a very excited group of late-teenagers.

“Whose?”

She faltered another beat before answering confidently, “Zack, I have to go. My shift started two minutes ago. Call me, eh?” Then she quickly hung up and tossed her cellphone into her purse before heading into the salon. “Mio dio. Close call, that. Well, lucky no one else knows I’m nineteen to—”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZEL!” Zel stopped short, eyes going wide at the small flock of ladies cheering and grinning at her. Loretta stepped forward, putting an arm around her shoulder. “Don’t tell me you’re that surprised, honey. I know you’ve been running from this. Nineteen ain’t that old; you’re still the baby here.”

Zel smiled sheepishly at all the attention and stared, doe-eyed, at the knowing smirk Naomi had fixed on her. But she didn’t say anything about it until the end of their customarily uneventful shift.

“Bitch, why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday!” she whisper-yelled, swatting her friend’s arm.

“Ow! Stop that!” Zel laughed, holding up her hands. “I didn’t want it to be a big deal. You know, like if I tell you… you mention it to Jack… Jack blabs it to the entire world and their sister.”

Naomi gave her a flat glare. “He’s not that bad.”

“Tell me honestly that you didn’t call or text him telling him to get the boys together so they can take me out tonight for a night of lunacy.”

“…That’s not fair, Zel,” Naomi protested, pouting. “But anyway, he already knew.”

Zel spun around, abandoning the task of putting on her coat and letting the other arm hang limp. “What? How the hell did he already know?”

“Iono." Naomi shrugged. "He said Zack called and said they were dragging us out tonight. Rian’s even bringing his girlfriend.”

She glared darkly at the wall and she tugged on the rest of her coat. “Figures,” she muttered. “I knew that Merrick boy was smarter than the rest of them. Didn’t realise he was crafty too.” Zel sighed shortly at Naomi’s hopeful expression. “Fine. I’ll text Rian the address later. Now I have to get my brother and sister and head over to get fawned over and discussed by basically the entire family I have in this country.”

Marizella, Luciano, and Stephania made the usual niceties upon arriving—smiling and thanking people for compliments—though Zel, being considered an adult, talked and was talked at for much longer. Like in most families, there was the usual “how you’ve grown!” and “are you doing well in school?” but unlike most families, they talked freely about the late Kolstons and it wasn’t uncomfortable.

Sitting at the long dinner table between her uncle Patrizio, scarcely older than she, and her cousin Miranda, nearly thirty-four and very pregnant with her third and fourth children, Zel stared into her wineglass, half-listening to a belated, slurred toast in her honour. Despite being packed in with too many people, they were all happy and all happy to see her, and Zel appreciated that. She hadn’t felt as loved in a long time.

After dinner, she somehow managed to herd everyone into the living room; she knew they would stay long after she’d gone, but they wanted to see her reaction to their gifts. Most of them were envelopes holding cards and checks, all from well-meaning aunts and uncles and cousins who didn’t know what to get her. Her cousin Paolo had sent a black veiled hat, decorated with a burst of red and white feathers, and a matching silk scarf, as well as two-hundred dollars “so she could buy herself a nice dress”. Willimina, or Zia Dingaling as the rest of the family affectionately called her behind her back, surprised and confused everyone by giving her a plate of suspicious brownies and the polished skull of her favourite cat.

As Zel smelled the brownies, Mina told the story of how the cat died and how an old, old friend of hers offered to preserve it for her; Zel’s nose wrinkled faintly before she smiled gratefully. “Posso condividere con i miei amici?” she asked. Like hell was she having a plate of hash brownies in her house. Jack and the boys would enjoy them.

But her favourite gift came after Rian and Naomi showed up at the door; those who remembered Rian hugged and kissed him like family and soon everyone took a shine to Naomi. As everyone was distracted with the newcomers, Luciano pulled his sister aside and with a sheepish smile handed her a little box.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” she reminded him, sliding the ribbon off. He shrugged, watching her anxiously. Zel smiled—she’d never seen Lu so nervous—and her eyes widened when she opened the box. She stared at the strand of perfectly round jade beads, at her brother, and back down at the necklace. “Lu… è bellissima.”

He ruffled the hair at the back of his head. “I’ve been saving up since last Christmas,” he explained. “But I also got help, so I can’t really take credit.”

Zel hugged her brother tightly. “Nonsense, Luciano. This is the best gift I’ve ever gotten.” She kissed his cheek and gleamed him a smile. “I’m getting you an amazing present for Christmas.”

“No, you don’t have to—”

“I know I don’t!” she dismissed, sauntering away to get her leather jacket and purse. “But I will. I want to.” Zel looped her arm through Rian’s, pulling him away from a group of her aunts. “Andiamo adesso. Grazie mille! Vi amo! Buona notte!” Grabbing Naomi on the way out, Zel skipped out to Zack’s car, parked behind hers.

“You guys took forever!” Jack complained, leaning out a back window.

Zack eyed her, laughing. “You seem pretty giddy considering you were hiding this from us.”

Zel beamed. “Patience is a virtue, Jackie. And I have my reasons, Zackary. Now follow me back to my house so I don’t have to drive tonight.” She skipped to her car and swung into the driver’s seat; soon Jack and Naomi followed and she handed Naomi the plate of brownies. “Don’t eat those yet.”

“Why?” Jack asked, eying them. “They look good.”

“I don’t want any of you high this soon, since we’re probably getting drunk.” The couple in the back seat blinked at each other. “Williamina’s kind of out of her mind. They’re hash brownies.” Naomi held them out of reach as Jack lunged for them, face-planting into her lap. “And no sex in my car!”

Had he the muscle to, Jack would have picked Zel up and carried her back to Zack’s car, but considering last time, he decided not to compromise his manliness. Even Naomi would have admitted he was about as manly as a pedigree puppy though. So they simply walked away from Zel’s locked door and after some finagling, situated all seven people in the car.

Zel looked into the backseat as Zack drove off and grinned: Naomi was on Jack’s lap, Kara was on Rian’s, and Alex was squished in the middle with a pout on his face. “Birthday girl gets shotgun,” she reminded. He stuck his tongue out, and she merely laughed. “So what’s the plan?”

“Booze!” Jack chirruped, bouncing the brunette in his lap.

“Dancing!” Kara argued, rolling her eyes.

“Booze!” Alex insisted.

Zel turned around, looking for help from Zack, who chuckled. “We’re going to a club,” he explained. “I can guess which of us will get drunk—Rian lost and got designated driver—and hopefully we’ll all have fun.” Zack smiled at her. “Happy Birthday, by the way.”

“You know what this means?” Alex said, a sly grin appearing on his face. He received several inquisitive looks. “Birthday spankings!”

The entire back seat cracked up, while the driver rolled his eyes and the birthday girl looked somewhat horrified. “Keep the foreplay to yourself, man,” Rian advised, snickering at the expression on Zel’s face.

Alex was more than a little annoyed that Zel had latched onto Zack as they walked to the club, leaving him the only one without a girl on his arm. After they got past the doors—oh the advantages of fame and pretty faces—he cast about the room and looked at the group. “Let’s get a booth!” he shouted over the thumping bass of the music.

Zel however was laughing at a joke that Zack was telling and she was paying absolutely no attention to Alex, something he couldn’t stand for. It’s only Zack, a little voice in his head reasoned. Not that he listened, since half his friends passed him towards the stairs and he took the opportunity to grab Jack and dig his knuckles into his head. He still managed to slip in next to the object of hisobsession interest before his bassist friend did though.

It took only a few minutes for everyone to get drinks—another advantage to being young and beautiful. Once everyone had one, a few non-alcoholic, Naomi made a very short toast and those with alcohol downed it quickly, soon followed by a cheer and another round of drinks.

By the time Zel was halfway through her fourth drink, Jack and Naomi were on probably their collective fourteenth and fifteenth shots of vodka. Alex was somewhere around six, Zack was matching Zel, and Kara and Rian were dead sober. As the giggling pair stopped giggling and just stared at each other with that familiar look, everyone else groaned. “As if you two don’t have enough sex sober!” Rian exclaimed, making the others crack up.

Alex still wasn’t getting the attention he felt that he deserved from the lady of the hour. So, with his arm already rested on the seat behind her, Alex leaned into Zel until his lips barely brushed her ear. “Come with me,” he whispered.

Shivers ran down Zel’s spine. “Where?” she asked, seeing her hand shake as she reached for her drink. He smirked as she sipped carefully and pulled her from the booth by the hand; giving a wink to his friends, Alex led Zel down to the dance floor.

Zel had a good buzz going on. Long Island iced teas did that. She thought she was paying close attention to the surroundings, but the music dulled to a loud hum when she found herself jerked against Alex’s chest, body completely flush with his. “Wanna dance?” he asked with a smirk.

She rolled her body, starting from the hips upward, and gave a smirk of her own when Alex’s eyes flitted back briefly. “I’m up for it.”

Thus their game began—or continued from a viewpoint. Even when dancing with someone else, sometimes especially complete strangers, Zel and Alex were watching each other, trying to get a rise out of the other. Zel unwittingly took the lead when she paused from the contest to dance with Zack. Alex glared with dark eyes, completely ignoring the blonde shoved up against him, and watched her twist and move gracefully. His jaw tightened as Zack leaned to whisper—well, probably yell—something and she laughed delightedly.

When the song ended, Alex was off like a shot, dumping his respective “dance” partner, and pulling Zel towards the bar. “We need more drinks!” he announced when she looked confused. Zel narrowed her eyes at the back of his head suspiciously as they stopped beside the bar. She hailed a bartender with a gleaming smile and ordered two shots of Jaeger. “I’ll take care of it.”

“No, you won’t,” Zel replied, already pulling money out of her wallet. The bartender paused as he took the money and asked to see some ID. Alex opened his mouth as she flashed a card at him; after a moment, the bartender nodded and set about making their drinks. Zel leaned back against the bar and caught the aghast look Alex was giving her. “What?

“Since when do you have a fake?” he asked, leaning in as not to be detected.

Zel let out a laugh. “I work at a bar, Alex, and Marty wasn’t about to risk getting his business taken away.”

Alex smirked at the two shot glasses that were set on the bar and raised an eyebrow at Zel. “Are you making fun of me? Because you’re fucking hilarious.”

Picking up the glass, she shot him a bemused look. “What? No,” she protested lightly. “Why would I be?”

“Oh come on!” Alex giggled, a loud, slightly obnoxious noise that nearly matched Zel’s own pitch. He shook his head at her blank expression and started half-singing. “Pass me another bottle, honey, the Jaeger's so sweet, but if it keeps you around then I’m down?” Zel shrugged, looking into her shot. “Come on, baby, you know our shit!”

She rolled her eyes, snickering. “You are so conceited. To your enormous ego?”

Alex grinned and held up his glass. "To your ability to overlook that." Zel laughed, and they both knocked back their shots, wincing at the sweetness. Alex laughed at her expression. "Haha, booze grimace!" Zel stuck out her tongue.

Midnight found the seven friends of varying degrees leaving the club, all bored of the strangers and loudness. They could make their own loudness elsewhere. The backseat, all varying degrees of inebriated, held a vote and made a motion that Jack and Naomi sit on opposite sides of the car. Even with Zel on Naomi's lap and Zack in the middle seat, they still tried to be attached.

As a result most of the ride was filled with Zack smacking his guitarist and Zel holding Naomi's head against the back of the seat.

When Rian pulled into his driveway and killed the engine, four doors opened and Jack went tumbling off Alex's lap, laughing. The rest of them shushed him sharply, except Naomi who went to nudge him with a shoe until he tackled her onto the lawn. Rian and Zack helped them inside, with Kara trailing after them, while Alex and Zel just watched snickering as they leaned against the side of the car.

They caught each other’s eye and slowly stopped laughing. Alex leaned to catch her lips, and after a moment, Zel tugged him closer and he pressed her against the cool window of the vehicle. Her fingers trailed down his back, mouth occupied with his, while his hand slid under the edge of her shirt.

Alex and Zel broke apart when Rian whisper-yelled from halfway down his path, “If you two get arrested for indecent exposure, I’m not bailing you out!” Zel scoffed, rolling her eyes at her childhood friend’s half-humourous warning and roundabout way of caring. Alex, however, was more annoyed that they’d gotten interrupted.

Zel stared out into the dark, snow-swept streets, feeling warm despite the frosty night and wondering what she might look like if her head floated off her shoulders like it wanted to do. She kind of lost track of Alex, only vaguely feeling his presence close to her, but she giggled when his arms snaked around her waist and pulled her close. Alex overestimated how far he pulled, sending them both tumbling back onto the lawn in a rush of blurred lights, landing with a thud that seemed too loud in the empty street. Another fit of muffled laughter ensued; Zel could scarcely tell if Alex had joined in.

In an exceedingly sudden change in disposition, Zel looked down at Alex’s face in the dimness. “Do you love me?” she asked, miraculously managing to avoid speaking with a drunken slur.

Hazy, Alex squinted at the face just visible in the light from the house. “What?”

Shifting her legs around, she straddled him and leaned down, lips barely an inch from his. Zel’s head was swimming, and in the back of her mind, something was telling her to stop. “Do you love me, Alex Gaskarth?” she repeated, lips gently brushing against his.

She felt his hips jerk beneath her; then he grabbed her around the waist and lifted her to her feet as he stumbled to his feet. “We should go inside,” Alex slurred. Zel followed him dutifully, not like a puppy trailing after its master, but like a girl knowing she’d be missed if she stopped walking.

Inside the rest of their party was playing some inane drinking game, in which Zel, seemingly forgetting the conversation and events outside, was happy to join in, much to Alex’s chagrin. The game didn’t last long, however, since soon Jack and Naomi were out cold in a pile on the couch. It was then decided that sleep was a good idea, as it was going on two in the morning. After moving the passed-out pair to a more comfortable position, Zack slouched in the armchair, socked feet on the table, and Rian murmured to Kara that he’d meet her upstairs.

“You guys don’t mind sleeping downstairs, do you?” he asked through a yawn.

Zel sent him a gleaming crooked smile that didn’t betray exactly how smashed she was. “Not at all, my darling, dark-haired, doting Dawson,” she cooed. He shook his head laughing and turned just in time to miss the devilish look Zel gave Alex as she pulled him towards the basement.

When his feet struck the floor, she grabbed him by the front of the shirt and tugged, kissing him fiercely. Both tasted of alcohol and neither noticed. Alex toppled forward onto Zel, whose back hit the couch. Her leg wound itself around his hip as he fumbled with the buttons of her shirt and she tugged his hair. Zel giggled as she worked Alex’s shirt off his back, dragging her nails lightly, which produced an amusingly frustrated whine.

She gasped softly as he nipped at her bare shoulder; Alex kissed each new patch of skin that appeared as he slid the straps of her bra off. Something between a sigh and a whimper escaped Zel’s lips as his hand trailed down her side and achingly, she arched her back, pressing herself flush against him. He groaned at the friction and abandoned nearly everything else to work at undoing her jeans. The buttons were torture enough.

Suddenly Zel felt even more light-headed, and it wasn’t due to the flood of endorphins in her brain. In the first full thought she’d manage to formulate since arriving at Rian’s house, she realised that she was going to pass out. “Alex…” she whispered, trying to inform him. Alex, mistaking this plea, kissed her lips hungrily, slipping a hand into her bra as the button finally popped open. Those pants were coming off now.

“Alex!” she moaned more insistently, vision darkening at the edges.

Alex smirked against her skin, successfully lowering her zipper. “Fuck, do you know how hot that is?” he murmured, trailing his hand lower. He frowned when it didn’t trigger a reaction and looked up at her confused. “Zel?” Her eyes were shut, lips slightly parted. Confusion became worry. “Zel,” he said more loudly. He lifted her face up, shaking her shoulder, and let go; her head flopped sideways again. But she was still breathing.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.” Alex rolled his eyes, muttering about women holding their liquor, and tried to make himself comfortable enough to sleep. He shut his eyes for a few moments, head leaning against Zel’s warm shoulder, but soon realised that he was way too turned on to lay still, much less sleep; being pressed up against Zel certainly didn’t help.

He groaned, part-way annoyed, and stumbled to his feet and towards the bathroom. Alex squinted at the harsh light that exploded into his retinas when he flipped on the light and looked back into the dark basement. Zel lay sprawled supine on the couch, one leg dangling off onto the floor, shirt thrown onto the floor beside his own, bra half-on, jeans unzipped low on her hips. Alex rushed into the bathroom and locked the door, cutting off the light spilling onto the young woman.