I've Got Your Mixed Tape In My Walkman

"How the fuck are you tonight Long Beach?!" Matt screamed into his microphone. The crowd cheered and screamed at us.

I sat behind my drum set playing random beats then stopping to let Matt speak again.

"Alright you guys this next song is really personal to us. A couple of years ago one of our best friends." He paused and looked at Zack. "And a sister, committed suicide. This song is for her, the song she wrote. The girl who no one noticed was falling apart."

The crowd cheered out the name of Lily's song.

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

I laid out a transitioning beat into the next song as Matt spoke to the crowd.

"And this is the song we wrote after she did it. The song we thought that needed to be shared. The words she needs to hear, to see what she did to us. Leaving us here with out her!"

Come back to me, this is unconceivable
Breaking apart the ones you love
Hate runs deep for what you've done to us
Left alone through suicide...suicide

I just want to die, take away my life
lay by your side, please...

Come back to me, this is unconceivable
Breaking apart the ones you love
Hate runs deep for what you've done to us
Left alone through suicide

Look at my face you pierce with a blank stare
No dream could prepare a heart for a lifeless friend.
He's gone. Nothing will take back time.
I need him back, but nothing will take back time.

I can see just fine with you in my life,
there by my side as it starts to fade
I know this can't be right, stuck in a dream
a nightmare full of sorrow

Nightmare - full of pain
Nightmare - full of pain

I look back and see the twisted road
Best friends and despair took its toll

Take away
Take away
Take away
Take away

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me, I cared for
and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me
or cry while I'm away

Look at my face you pierce with a blank stare
No dream could prepare a heart for a lifeless friend.
He's gone. Nothing will take back time.
I need him back, but nothing will take back time.

I can see just fine with you in my life,
there by my side as it starts to fade
I know this can't be right, stuck in a dream
a nightmare full of sorrow

The crowded cheered as the lights went out and we ran off stage real quick to get a drink.

We all panted as we grabbed a cup off the table and looked at each.

Zack raised his cup up, like a toast, and we mimicked him. "For Lily."

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I pulled my car into the parking spot and turned off the ignition.

I stared out the front window blankly. I tapped my finger lightly on the steering wheel, just staring at it.

I took a deep breath and slowly got out of car, grabbing the bottle and box off my passenger seat.

I shut my car door and turned towards the sun walking to it.

My feet sunk when they hit the sand and made my balance tipsy.

I walked towards the water and picked a spot not to far from it and sat down placing the box next to me and bringing the bottle up to my lips.

"Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost'
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over"

I picked my cellphone out of my pocket and placed it by my ear.

"Hello."

"Hey hun." Its was Leana. My fiance. "Where are you? Did you and the guys go out after recording again?"

"No." I told her digging my finger in the sand and flicking it.

"Oh. Then Where are you?"

I sighed and looked up at the sun. "The beach." I rested my hands on my knees.

"Okay. Well I just called to tell you me and Gena are going to go shopping, for little Lily."

I nodded. "Okay. I'll see you when you get home."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too." I said searching the light in the sun. I hung up my phone and turned it off, placing it back into my pocket.

It's been eight years. Eight, and I can still hear her voice in my head.

'I'm sorry' keeps replaying like the stop and pause buttons broke.

After eight years I fell in love again, with Leana, she ...is the one now. Zack married Gena and they have a little girl named Lily, just for her. It was the way Zack wanted it. A way to always remember his little sister, who didn't get to grow up like we did.

When the sun set, I placed my beer next to the box I brought and stared at it.

It was a small Nike's with the words Jimmy <3 written in purple sharpie.

About a month after we finished listening to the tapes. Zack said he found it. Actually, he found six of them. Each with are names and a heart placed after them.

We all decided that we'd open them personally and keep them to ourselves. The way Lily wanted them.

After eight years. I haven't been able to open mine.

But today, I decided I would. I want to know.

I'm dieing to know.

I teared the tape off with my finger and opened the lid slowly.

Inside the box was a Walkman. The word 'PLAY' was written on a piece of paper that tied itself with a yellow ribbon.

I pulled the Walkman out of the box and placed the headphones on my ears.

I popped open the tape and read what was written on it.

I Love You.

I could feel the hot tears already threatening my eyes. I pushed the tape back in and stared at the play button.

"One...Last....Time." I whispered and pressed the play button softly.

I listened to the tape play the static before a guitar came on followed by a drum and a voice.

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

It wasn't Lily's voice. It belonged to the singer that wrote this song.

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I closed my eyes tightly and laid my back down on the sand.

I cant see her anymore.

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you

I opened my eyes and was meant with the shining of the stars.

I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

The song ended and my eyes leaked water.

"Thank You."

The sob clenched in the back of my throat.

I pulled the Walkman up to my face and pressed the rewind button.

"Thank You."

It was Lily's voice. The tape ended and I knew that was it.

I pressed rewind again and play, closing my eyes.

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight....

I opened my eyes and stared at the first star I saw in the sky.

"Thank You."

At the same time Lily spoke the star twinkled and I knew that star was Lily.