Secrets Are Hard To Keep

I left that day without saying goodbye to Nick, the plane was leaving earlier than we expected so I called him when I was at the airport. My head seemed to be disconnected from my body, I felt like I was just a puppet on a string as I walked through the streets of L.A trying to find something to do.

I settled on a Starbucks. I sat in the corner chewing on a cinnamon roll and sipping my strawberry and crème frappachino happily being ignored. No one noticed me and it wasn’t like I was trying not to be, I didn’t have my sun glasses on or a hat so I blended in. People who wear sunglasses inside attract attention more than repel it.

My iPhone started ringing on the table. I answered it knowing who it was. “Hey.”

“Hey, what’s up? I haven’t seen you since New Years day.” Nick voice was a comfort to me, he made me smile.

I sighed, “I know, I’ve had meeting with the record label and photo shoots and things.” I missed him and it was obvious.

“Want me to come and see you?”

“I’m just in Starbucks. After this I have to go and have another meeting with the record label.”

“They’re firing you up on your album, huh?” I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, “I’ll call you later. I love you.”

“Love you too.” I cut off the phone and placed it in my bag. I grabbed my drink and left my food to go to the record label.

I put on my sun glasses and drove there, I parked in a spare spot and made my way to the meeting room. I grabbed a visitors badge and hung it around my neck as I walked. I stepped into the familiar room which was already filled with familiar faces and sat down at the head of the table, forcing a smile at everyone.

“Right, now that you’re here we have talked to Mr…urm… Jay-Z and he would like to co-produce your album with John.”

“What about the location?” I asked, god, my life sucks.

“He’d be happy to go there with his wife for the three month period.” I nodded.

“Remember what I said to you guys. I’m not going to be the pop cookie kind of girl you already have here, I’m making the music I want not the music Disney needs. Whatever I present you with after production is it, I’m not recording anymore or having any ditched. Do you guys trust me?”

I watched them as they exchanged looks with each other, “Of course we do.” My new manager, Mike announced. “I reckon this meeting is done. I’ll see you in the recording studio.”

I smiled and made my way back to the car. I drove peacefully back to my house and parked next to my Dad’s Rolls Royce, I resisted the urge to drive into the back of it. Only just, though. I considered throwing a rock through the window too but I let it slide.

As soon as I walked in the door I was faced with my Dad who was coming down the stairs. I didn’t look at him, I didn’t want to. I just passed him and went straight to my bedroom. I heard his frustrated sigh just before I slammed my door.

I grabbed a pen and paper and sat at my desk. My hands shook as the words I wrote on the letter stabbed at my heart, I couldn’t believe I had to do this. No one should be made to. My tears dropped onto the paper and smudged the writing. This wouldn’t be the hardest part.

* * *

Nick and I lay on his bed, just like normal. This was healthy, natural, just like breathing. “What’s wrong?” Nick asked.

I licked my lips, my mouth was dry. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.” I croaked and sat up from Nick. I crossed my legs opposite him, he watched me as I tried to think about how to word it.

“You can talk to me about anything.”

I knew that, he didn’t need to remind me. “It’s not an easy thing to tell you.” I looked down at my lap and ignored Nick as he tucked my hair behind my ears so he could see my face. Nick reached for my hand put I pulled it away. He looked at me in confusion.

His face softened. “What is it?”

My breath was caught in my throat and my heart was pounding. “I’m breaking up with you.” I eventually spat out and let the tears fall freely from my face.

“What?” His words were more breathed than spoken. His breathing quickened, I didn’t look up to see his face. “What did I do?” His pained voice hurt me even more. I felt like my throat was being slit.

“Nothing.” I whispered. I cringed as his soft hands lifted my face up to meet his. Pure agony and frustration was on his face, another stab.

“Tell me what I did.” He insisted, “Tell me and I can fix it and then we wont have to end. I don’t want this to end, Julia. You’re my… everything.”

I wanted to throw up, he was killing me. “I…” I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Nothing I would say would be enough. A few more tears cascaded down my cheeks probably leaving lines as it washed away my make up.

“Don’t cry.” He whispered, “I hate it when you cry.” I didn’t have the will to stop him when he wiped the tears away from my cheek. “Please tell me.” He was desperate now.

“I have to go.” I stumbled up as I tried to get to the door before Nick did. I was unsuccessful. “Please, just leave me alone.”

“Not until we talk.” He said sternly and loudly. So loud that his Dad opened the door to see what was going on, I took my opportunity to duck under Nick’s arm and get out the house. Paul held Nick at the top of the stairs thankfully. I don’t know what I’d have done if he followed me.

As soon as I got in my car I shoved the key into the engine and sped home. I was crying furiously when I entered the house, my mother was the first to see me.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” She cooed, then my Dad came around the corner and I snapped.

“You’ve ruined my life!” I screamed and ran towards him. I started hitting his chest with my fists, trying to show him how much it hurt but I probably wasn’t hitting hard enough. He put his arms around me in a strong cage, “No! Don’t do that!” I screamed trying to worm out of his arms. “I hate you!”

I eventually broke down and sobbed into his chest, he hugged me close to him. “Shhhh.” He whispered into my ear as my sobs got louder, I couldn’t breath. “Deep breaths.”

My ‘deep breaths’ were not working. My whole world was collapsing around me and I was buried under the rubble. I could feel my Dad place me on my bed a few minutes later. I cried until I could no longer, there were no tears left to cry.

As I stared at the wall I felt the vomit crawl up my throat, I ran to my bathroom and was sick into the toilet bowl and then dry heaved when there was nothing left. I was aware that my Mum was sat with her head in her hands outside the door, she was crying too.

I walked back to my bed. I rested my head onto my pillow and stared at the wall. I didn’t want to look at anything else, ever. Just this wall. Plain, nothing decorated it, just a red wall. I just wanted to lay here until the world came to an end, or until I came to an end. I was dirt, no… worse than dirt. I put my iPod in my ears, I just listened to the same song over and over again. ‘The Rose’ by Bette Midler.

I couldn’t allow my self to think, so all I did was bore my eyes into the wall and recited the lyrics in my head. I kept hoping I would eventually set the house alight with my eyes, then maybe my world would come to an end and Nick would move on. I could sense he wasn’t going to let this go.

There was knocking at the door, but I didn’t answer. They let themselves in and I was curious who it was. I moved my eyes and only my eyes away from the wall for the first time in a long time. Nick stood watching me, not speaking, not even when we made eye contact. I tore my eyes away from him, I couldn’t see his face in the darkness but his silhouette was unmistakable.

A few minutes later I felt the bed space beside me dip. Nick put an arm around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder, our cheeks touching. Then he pulled one of the ear buds from my ear and listened to the song with me. I didn’t have the strength to push him away.

I was waiting for the questions but they never came. I guessed my mother had clued him in which wouldn’t surprise me one bit. Or he would have worked it out himself, it wasn’t difficult. He seemed happy to just lay with me, like we normally would but only this time it was for a different reason, because we’d never get to do it again. I swallowed back my tears and placed my shaking hand over his, I pushed my fingers between his and pressed my finger tips against his palm.

I felt his tears drip onto my face. It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing he was crying because of me. Nick wasn’t up front about his emotions but he let them all out that night. The whole night we lay there together, as close as we could just listening to the same song over and over.

We didn’t sleep, Nick’s tiny movements alerted me that he was just as awake as I was through out the night. I couldn’t sleep, not now. My iPod battery had died too, but we made no move to pull the buds out of our ears. And as much as I wanted too, I couldn’t talk. It seemed inappropriate to poison the moment with words, words were never good enough.

We weren’t disturbed until around noon the next day, my Mum came in and told Nick he should leave. I felt cold as Nick moved away from me and pulled on his shoes, I moved from my stiff position to sit upright on my bed. Nick stood, just watching me and I sat just watching him. My bottom lip quivered and it bit it, trying to hold back my tears.

I finally stood up, I shoved my hands into my pockets and stared at the floor. I saw Nick’s shoes in front of mine then felt his presence as he wrapped his arms around me. I didn’t cry as we had our last hug, neither did he. We didn’t kiss, I didn’t want our last kiss to be remembered as this I wanted it to be when we were happier.

I broke down when Nick disappeared through my door. I fell to the floor and sobbed hard. I felt lifeless. I could see people’s feet under my door. “Mummy, why is Julia sad?” Romeo asked.

“Because what she has to do is worse than what we have to.” My Mum answered.

Nick was my whole being. He taught me how to love, but not how to stop.