Just to Hold You Close and Tight

All through dinner, my parents looked at me oddly. They asked me a million times if I was okay, and I told them a million times that I was fine. They didn’t believe me, though. How could they? I was a mess.

My hair looked horrible, my makeup wasn’t on, I was wearing the first thing I could find, and I probably looked like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I wished I could tell them the truth, but that was impossible.

They would send me to an insane asylum if I told them my boyfriend, who was formerly a ghost, took my friend’s body, and now I was upset because I couldn’t be with him twenty-four/seven.

So I assured them I was okay one more time before I went to my room, where I could feel bad for myself in private.

I put on some depressing music to match my mood on a low volume, put on my pajamas, and got under my blankets. Alone. I shed one lonely tear before I fell asleep. I don’t know if it was because I was already so exhausted, because of the music, or because I really wanted to keep my promise to Ray to try to fall asleep. Whatever it was, I slept from six p.m. to four a.m.

I decided I had fulfilled my promise and made it to the hospital by five thirty. My dad wasn’t very happy with me because I left earlier than he left for work, but he didn’t make a big deal out of it. He probably figured going would help me feel better.

When I got there, Mrs. Moore was sleeping on a couch in Ray’s room, but he was awake. I tiptoed to his side.

“You’re up early,” he pointed out, raising his eyebrows.

“So are you,” I reminded him. “You weren’t waiting up for me, were you?”

“No, I promised not to. You tried to sleep last night, didn’t you?” he whispered.

I smiled and said proudly, “I slept for almost ten hours. Ten lonely hours, but ten hours all the same.”

He frowned. “I don’t want you to be lonely. That’s exactly what I’m supposed to be preventing.”

I sighed. After glancing at Ben’s mom to make sure she was still asleep, I put my head next to his on his pillow. “I know. I’ll have to be alone for a few weeks so that I don’t have to be alone for the rest of my life. I understand how it works.”

He looked at me with Ben’s blue eyes. “I love you so much that I would hop out of this hospital right now to be with you if they didn’t try to stop me.”

I laughed quietly. “I know.”

We looked at each other for a long time. Then I noticed something. It was a subtle change, but his eyes weren’t so icy. They were a shade darker.

“Your eyes are darker,” I said softly.

“What?” he asked, sounding panicky.

“Your eyes. They’re darker. It’s barely noticeable… I just realized it, and I’ve been looking at them for a while now,” I explained.

Ray looked nervous. “Will anyone else notice?”

“No,” I said, and I was completely sure of myself. “Like I said, they’re barely any different. It’s as if someone put an almost crystal clear film over them that was tinted darker ever so slightly. They’re just not as icy.”

His eyes flitted to Ben’s mom. “If I’m here for a while, she, at least, will start to notice the change. Is there anything else different about me… or Ben’s body, I should say?” he said so quietly I could barely hear him.

I inspected him closely. “No,” I answered.

He sighed in relief, saying, “Hopefully I will get out of here before anything big changed. Then when I get out, I can dye my hair and wear blue contacts.” He sighed. “I don’t know what we’ll do when I don’t look enough like Ben anymore.”

I took a deep breath and said, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Suddenly I realized it had been a long time. I lifted my head off the pillow, looked at my cell phone, and looked back at Ray. “I have to go. I will be back as soon as I can this afternoon.”

“Don’t hurry,” he cautioned. “Drive carefully. Cars don’t seem to like us.”

I snorted. “You’re absolutely right about that. Okay, I’ll be careful. Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

And I left Ray once again.