Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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“Hey, Phil, I was looking for you,” James said, tapping me on the shoulder.

“Oh,” I replied, still a little drunk, “Sorry – I was dancing with, er… with a guy.”

“Fair enough,” James replied.

I frowned at his lack of jealousy.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Nothing, just wondering where you were,” he repeated.

“Well, I’m here.”

“Ok, no need to get snappy,” James frowned.

“Where’s Violet?” I asked, unintentionally talking in a slightly more slurred manner than I’d meant to portray.

“She went back to her friends,” James replied, “Seemed I wasn’t quite as much fun as she’d hoped.”

As in, you just had an affair and you didn’t live up to her expectations?!

No idiot, as in, she probably flirted but he wouldn’t have any of it.

Oh… that makes more sense…

“Oh,” I breathed, feeling silly.

“Want to dance with me?” he asked.

“Er, James, you’re not exactly known for you brilliant moves,” I grimaced.

“And that’s just on the ballroom floor,” James grinned, “Come on, you never finished your beer.”

I forewent the strange desire to tell him I was drunk, and went back to the table with him. Another group had already claimed the chairs, so James picked up our glasses and we went to survey the stage. A series of support bands had already graced us with their presences, and Calling Callie had now made their way onstage, to a round of applause from those not dancing.

I’d finished my second beer - it was accidental, but easily done. My head felt light, and my limbs wanted to dance without my control.

“What’s the time?” I asked James, once they’d left the stage.

“Half eleven,” he replied.

“What?” I couldn’t quite believe my ears.

“Half eleven,” he repeated.

“We’ve been here four and a half hours?” I exclaimed.

“Er, yeah,” he smiled, “Only about seven hours until sunrise.”

The band was replaced by a DJ, and the vast population of the club turned back to conversation and dancing. The guy from before saw me across the room and sidled over, took a glance at James and leant against the wall to my other side, blinking a few times. He seemed a little drunk.

That makes two of us.

“Hey gorgeous,” he said again, “Having fun?”

“Er, yeah,” I replied, unsure of what James would think.

The guy nodded at James, “Gonna introduce me?”

“Er, sure. James this is-” I faltered, “Er...”

“Joe,” he said, “Joe Faryll.”

“Nice to meet you,” James replied, shaking his hand.

“Do you want to dance again?” Joe asked me.

“Um,” I glanced at James.

“Hey, don’t let me stop you from having a good time,” he said, frowning, “I know I’m not a great dancer.”

Before I could protest, Joe had grabbed my hands again and James had been swallowed up in the seamless flow of bodies. The overwhelming claustrophobia I’d felt when I came in settled back into my sick stomach. Joe was a little-too-close for comfort, but then again, so was everyone.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Joe asked, as we left the floor.

“No, I’m fine,” I replied, feeling dizzy.

“Nah, come on!” Joe slung an arm over my shoulder.

“No, really, I’m fine,” I said, trying to push his arm off, but it tightened.

“What’s a guy got to do for ya, gorgeous?” he slurred, frowning.

“Look-”

“She said she’s fine,” James growled, appearing out of nowhere.

“Wasn’t doing any harm, mate,” Joe said, backing off.

He disappeared into the crowd, and James started pulling me in the other direction. He passed me my hoodie as we strode out of the door.

“James, slow down,” I protested.

“Phil, what did you think you were doing?” James asked, turning on me.

“I – what?”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you?!” he exclaimed, “You shouldn’t have let me get you a second beer if you knew you were a lightweight.”

Lightweight?

I’ll show you a lightweight, mate.

Haha, you’re a poet and you didn’t know it.

It’s really not the time.

“James, I’m sorry, I didn’t know-”

“Phil, don’t make excuses, just get in the car.”

“No, James, you’re not listening to me!”

“What’s there to listen to?” James snapped, “You’re drunk and you just flirted with another guy!”

“I didn’t mean to get drunk!” I cried, “And I didn’t mean to flirt with him either! But maybe if you hadn’t gone and gotten all friendly with ‘Vi’ I wouldn’t have gone off angry in the first place!”

James just watched me rant.

Tears began to prick my eyes at the impersonal manner in which he was regarding me. Maybe it was just the alcohol, but I suddenly felt ugly, small, and completely insignificant. I stepped into the car and slammed the door after me. James got in and drove silently. He didn’t speak, not even when we arrived back at the palace. The clock in the hall said half past two.

“Night,” I whispered, as his back walked away from me.

He turned around surprised, “Yeah, night.”

Ashamed, I didn’t go to my room. The fire hadn’t abated in my stomach, and in a fit of uncertainty I took the clock off the mantelpiece and took it outside. I strode through the garden, past the roses and through the gate into the forest. I needed to visit my swing. I hadn’t been there all summer, and my years at Keats had kept me from visiting it for quite some time. In fact, the last time I visited it was…

Two years ago?

No, three.

Two! It was the Christmas after my second term.

No, that would be three years.

Well, it was a while ago.

I put the clock on the ground, daring it to wind back the time. I sat down on the swing, pulling my hoodie on, zipping it up to my chin to stop the shivering. It didn’t help.

Okay, so I got drunk. I may very well have flirted with the Joe-guy. And yes, I was unreasonably jealous when James hadn’t actually done anything. But perhaps he could have been a little bit more understanding. But I…

I’m a princess. Princesses don’t make mistakes.

Then I’m a sorry excuse for a princess.

Doing the best we can…

I sat on the swing for the rest of the night, watching the sun rise through the trees. The backwards-forwards rush of air calmed my senses, which had been permanently on fire since James’s hand had left mine. It steadied my breathing. Item 20 was accomplished; I’d stayed awake the entire night.

I’d done it on my own.

Without James.