Diary of a Reluctant Ruler

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The mourning (and no, I don’t mean morning) colours of the dawn began to fade softly into blue and grey, calmly avoiding the tense bubble of anger that I’d grown around me. The alcohol had eased away, leaving only the desire to shoot myself in the left temple, preferably with a shotgun, so that my brains could reach maximum splatting.

“Phil?”

I nearly jumped off the swing, I’d been so absorbed.

I glanced around, the moving ground making it hard to find James. I gulped, suddenly angry at him for breaking into my sanctuary. Then it reminded me of our first date and the park, and I sighed.

“James,” I whispered to myself, as if his name might be a cure.

It wasn’t.

I stopped swinging my legs back and forth so I could slow up.

“Hey,” he murmured.

The air filled with silence again, which I breathed in unhappily.

“I’m sorry.”

You take it back?!

I didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t take it back…”

Oh.

“I meant what I said, I just… didn’t say it in the best way.”

“That’s ok.”

Who just made me say that?

“Really?”

Of course not, you annoying, ugly, horrible…

DO NOT insult James!

“Really,” I sighed, coming to a halt.

James smiled at me, and I smiled, warily, still hurting, back.

“I was pretty stupid,” I said, feeling the shame well up again.

Unspoken words dwelt under my skin, pricking the surface tension uneasily. There was so much I wanted to scream at him, but couldn’t.

“No, you never said anything,” James cut in, “I shouldn’t have let you drink in the first place. And that guy had a funny look about him.”

“I think we’re allowed to be complete idiots once in a while.”

“Is that for your benefit or mine?” he laughed softly.

Mine! You’re a horrible, heart-breaking bastard!

Now who’s insulting who?

“Both,” I sighed.

I skipped off the swing and stood in front of him for a moment.

There must have been twelve feet between us. It was such a huge distance compared to the millimetres that hadn’t existed before.

“Will you walk back up with me?” James asked.

I faltered for a moment; just being around him was making my nose tickle with unshed tears.

“I’d rather make my own way up,” I said.

I gulped, suddenly wanting to take my words back.

“Oh,” James said, hurt evident on his face, “Well, I’ll see you up there.”

“Ok.”

My heart was falling in on itself; a little black hole forming inside my chest. I was heavy as lead, tied down to the ground by forces as inevitable as gravity. No matter how much I wanted to run after him, I could only stay still and silent where I was.

James disappeared behind the rose garden wall.

I sat back down on the swing, dim misery flooding my chest. I swallowed though there was no spit left in my mouth.

Spit… do you remember? Playing on the bed together?

Just shut up, I don’t want to remember anything.

The tears were still pricking my nose, heating up my eyes and swimming my vision. I thought back over the past weeks; the restaurant, afterwards in my room, kissing James, kissing him in the stables, catching him unawares in the library, dancing the tango…

At last the tears spilled over.