Shadows of the World

I'd been nervous all morning, but I knew I wasn't going to back out. Carson saw himself as a freak? Then fine, I'd be a freak with him, I didn't care anymore. I had Helena, who stood by me, and Ant, who understood. If everyone else shunned me, if all my former friends hated me for being in love with Carson Knight, then I just didn't care. I'd been so stunningly shallow, and I hated it. All I'd been worried about was the fact that I couldn't be seen with him because my social status would go down the tube. That was all I'd cared about. Now I had more important things to think about. Carson and James's possible death. My possible death.

Death is sort of a really huge concept, much bigger than what people think of me in high school. So I drove to school with clarity that had been coming to me easier and easier so far. Maybe it was the fact that there was something in my life that I really had to care about, maybe it was the fact that now my life meant something a little bigger than just living to breathe, I didn't know. All I knew was that now, I felt alive, more alive than I'd ever felt before. My life, however short the rest of it may be, had a purpose.

I didn't zone out of my classes. I paid attention, because I had to face the fact that there may not be too many days left to pay attention. I started wanting to care more about school. I had no idea what I was going to do in the future, if I had one, but I knew I should at least try to figure it out.

Even if I did die, though, I knew it would be okay. Just because I'd be dying instead of James and Carson. That was honorable, at least. I loved Carson, and I would go before he would. I couldn't be selfish. Especially when I already knew that somehow I was keeping them alive without knowing it. If I continued to do that, maybe one night the lady would just come and take me away. Peaceful, that would be how I'd like to go. No pain. Just rest.

They were morbid thoughts, I knew. But they floated in and out of my mind all the way leading up to lunch. That was when I was going to talk to Carson. I'd avoided him all morning, because I knew if I saw him, I'd just want to tell him right then and there. I had to do it at lunch, though, because that would be when the most people would see us together. And I had to be loud, and I had to be obvious and I had to let everyone know how I felt about him.

When I got to lunch, though, I did start feeling nervous. It was a cold day, as all the days had been for awhile, so most everyone was sitting inside the cafeteria. I saw Carson eating alone, at the end of a table. There was no one next to him for a good two feet. I went around him, making sure that he didn't see me. Then I put my stuff down at the table with my friends. Helena was already sitting there, eating a sandwhich. She eyed me carefully and I looked down at her. "Give me, like, five minutes," I told her, feeling my voice shake and my stomach turn.

Helena just rolled her eyes at me. "Please, girl, you know if you wait, you'll never do it." She, unfortunatley had a point. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and Helena was looking at me sternly. "No matter what happens, you know I'm always here for you. If you go down, so do I. I don't care. You're my best friend." She smiled then. "Or something like that," she added on. I smiled too. She'd never be cast aside though, and it didn't even matter about what happened to me. Helena was beautiful and cool and nice, everyone would like her regardless. I felt only semiprecious beside her diamond aura. But now I had to just cast away everything, everyone I'd ever been. Quiet, making no mistakes, doing nothing rash, just being perfect. No longer.

Taking another deep breath, I turned around. Carson was reading a book, I noticed and not eating anything. A stab of fear pierced me, but that I found was fear that he was getting sicker. If he wasn't eating, did that mean he was too sick to eat but he didn't want to show it? No, if he was like James, he wouldn't be at school. I watched him so carefully. He seemed so intent on that book, but his eyes weren't moving. I looked at the kids next to him, they were chattering happily. Carson was listening in on their conversation, like he wanted to be a part of it. At first I wanted to cry, but then I just thought about his mask, his shield. He was doing this to himself, and I was about to tear it away from him.

I put one foot in front of the other, letting my inhibitions and fears go. No more being afraid, no more being quiet, no more being nonexistant. This was who I was now, and I knew, knew with my entire being, that I belonged with Carson and that he belonged with me. I just wouldn't - couldn't - let that go.

My feet kept picking up their pace and my heart kept thumping wildly behind my chest. Then I was there. Standing in front of Carson, my arms just hanging at my sides, my eyes just staring at him. He didn't notice me at first, so I knew I'd have to make the first move. "We have to talk," I stated in a sort of strangled voice. Startled, Carson looked up. Shock was obvious in his eyes. The kids that sat near him instantly noticed and stared at me.

"What?" Carson asked dumbly, or maybe he was just so surprised that I'd even say anything. I was pretty sure it was the latter.

"We. Need. To. Talk," I said again, this time more loudly and forcibly. The rest of the kids at the table had now noticed us, and I recognized a couple kids from my grade. Good.

Carson looked around. "Um, okay, you want to go somewhere pri-"

"No. We need to talk now. Here." Carson looked around, at the faces that were staring at us and stood up and attempted to leave the Cafeteria. I grabbed onto his wrist and wouldn't let him go. He turned back to me. "You're not leaving until you hear what I have to say."

"Clio, stop, this is childish," Carson told me.

I shook my head. "No, Carson, you are childish." Taking a deep breath, I started. This was what I needed to say, these were my truths, this was my heart. "Maybe I used to be shallow, maybe I used to only care about myself, but that was before. Before I really got what you were all about. I only cared about not wanting to let anyone see me with you because I thought that would make me look bad, but I got over that a long time ago. I was just waiting for you to say something to me, just waiting for you to actually be okay with loving me. But you're a coward, Carson Knight."

"Clio-"

"Stop. I'm still talking." More people had stopped talking now and were watching us. "You're the one who's afraid to be seen with me, it's not the other way around. I'm too perfect for you, or something, at least, you think I am. You can't be seen with me because that would ruin your image. You say everyone thinks you're a freak, but they don't, and you know that. People are afraid of you, Carson, and you like that. You want to be seen as this intimidating, apathetic guy who doesn't care about the emotions of anyone else, who doesn't care about what anyone thinks of him, but I know that's so untrue. You say you never had a reason for wanting friends, but that's a lie. You put on this facade because you're afraid of having friends. You're afraid if you love someone normally, they'll just get taken away from you, like your parents."

I'd never seen the look that Carson gave me on his face before. It was like a combination of horror and anguish. I'd gotten it all right, I was completley right and he knew that. But I wasn't finished. "You want to be alone so you can just never feel. And that's what I thought I wanted too, before I met you. Now I want to live Carson, just like how you want to live. How could you dare try and kill yourself? How could you do the world such a horrible injustice? You're beautiful, Carson, and I love you." The entire cafeteria was silent. I turned to face everyone in the cafeteria. "Do you hear that?!" I said to them all. "I love Carson Knight and I don't care who knows."

His eyes widened and his mouth opened to a wide O, and then I heard something in his throat, as if he were trying to talk. I cut him off, though. "And it doesn't matter if you don't want to love anyone for real, because I don't care. I don't care if you don't want anyone else to be near you, I don't care if you want to be alone. I don't care about what you want. What I want is you. You're not alone, Carson, because I'm forcing myself in your life. I don't care if you don't want me there, because I'm staying. You can't get rid of me."

Everyone was waiting, holding their breath, to see what would happen after that. So I just pulled him to me and kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had in me, just trying to tell him, trying to show him how much I loved him. We didn't have very much time, and I couldn't waste anything anymore. When I pulled away, I noticed there were tears in my eyes, and when I blinked, they rolled down my cheeks. Then I turned around, walked to my table, picked up my thinks and walked out of the cafeteria.

It was still silent as I walked away. I'd probably just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I didn't care. There was something happening in the pit of my stomach, and I think it was something like happiness. It was the strangest feeling of happiness that I'd ever had, or maybe it was the first time I'd ever been this happy to be alone. I didn't even care that Carson hadn't followed, or that I was just walking to my car alone and I'd be going home and then tomorrow, I'd be probably be ruined. I just wanted to laugh.

So I did, at least, a little bit. I didn't full out laugh like a maniac, but I did find myself laughing happily to myself. "You know, if you laugh like that, people are going to start thinking you're crazy." I turned around to see Carson there, standing there awkwardly, hands in his pockets. He flashed an uncomfortable smile. "Not like they don't think you're crazy now anyway."

I grinned. "I'm absolutely insane, but I don't care. It's the first time I've actually felt free. This is the first time I've actually felt like I've been myself."

Carson shuffled his feet, looked down, and then looked back at me. A sudden cold burst flew by, ruffling his hair. I'd never seen him look so awkward, and to me, it was beautiful. "You know, I thought they'd all start laughing at me. I thought they'd all say I really was a freak now. A freak to let you love me. A freak to love you. I don't know. I just figured they wouldn't take it lightly."

"Who's them?" I asked.

Carson tossed his head back to the door to the cafeteria. "You know. Them." He shrugged then. "But they didn't laugh...and they weren't...like I thought they'd be. Everyone was just upset that I wasn't running after you. I was just standing there, absolutely stunned, and everyone was pushing me, telling me to go after you, get you back."

"So you wouldn't have come after me unless everyone else pushed you out the door?" I questioned, a frown forming on my face. Carson walked up to me.

"Probably not." He looked down, right into my eyes. "I know..." he started, his voice hushed. "I know that I am not perfect. But I also know that I should at least ask you how you are...you're right, I am selfish. I'm not a very good person, and you were right about being afraid to not be alone...being afraid to love." He took a deep breath. "However, there is nothing I want more, right now, than to love you. When I said I wanted to fall in love right, I meant it. I didn't know what I meant, but now I do. I'm not perfect, but I'll try to be for you."

I looked at him, feeling those tears come again. One tear ran solidly down my cheek. Carson brushed it away with his thumb. "You don't have to be perfect," I somehow choked out. "You just have to care."

Carson nodded and put his arm around my back, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "I do care." He pulled away and gave me the most serious look I'd ever seen on anyone. "I won't be afraid to love you anymore, and I won't be afraid to let you love me anymore. Everything I said, about wanting to live, that was true. But it's even more true now." That made a large lump come into my throat, but I pushed it away. Right now I just wanted to make up with Carson. I didn't want to bring up the fact that we might not have much time left. "I'm giving you my heart. I'm giving you all of myself, so you have to take good care of me."

Smiling, I let a little laugh come from me. "Okay," I told him.

"Okay," he answered and leaned down to meet my lips with his own.