So...Who Are You Again? My Chemical Romance? Never Heard of You.

After a week, I heard no word from Frank and neither had Gerard. It was very safe to say no one else had since it most likely would have been awkwardly brought up. I was trying not to let it bother me since I had the company of four wonderful guys and one magnificent girl who I couldn’t get rid of even if I tried. That being said, I couldn’t help but be a little miffed at certain times.

I mean, he could at least have the decency to call back to say, “Hey, I’m going to be on the next flight out” or even, “Hey, I never want to see you again.” At least something to even show he was impacted by my call. But no; I sat there constantly thinking these things to myself on reprise.

“Julie,” my coworker, Peter, addressed me suddenly, breaking me out of my thoughts. My eyes widened and I froze from my job of restocking in the back. The more I allowed my angry thoughts to rapidly form, the more my actions reflected it, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing when I was at work, which I unfortunately still had to do.

“Yes?” I asked coyly, looking up at him with a deer in the headlights look, knowing that I couldn’t play this one off.

“Are you okay? You’ve been slamming around these boxes louder and louder,” he informed, showing concern for my peculiar behavior. From what the little vitamin store workers could tell, I was a very well behaved girl who desperately needed to keep a job. It was true for the most part.

“I’m great,” I convinced, holding a forced smile on my face, which was enough to get him to go away, simply shaking his head. I sighed heavily, facing back toward stocking. I couldn’t let a stupid boy affect me like this.

Unfortunately, all Frank Iero did was affect me.

--

After work, which had been filled with pauses and sighs in order to get me through my shift without slamming inventory around again, I lazily walked out of the store. Instead of going straight to my car, something willed my legs another direction. I obeyed simply because I was feeling rather blue and didn’t want to go straight back to our place where I knew the subject of Frank was practically taboo for right now.

Lackadaisically, I shuffled down the sidewalk, staring ahead at the atmosphere of small shops and bustling people. This area was always busy during the evening since I guess it’s the place to be or whatever. I only worked in the area since it was close to home.

Soon, I found myself at a little park area, joined with a baseball field. I didn’t know what made me walk this direction, but I decided to go ahead and swing since I was already there.

Something about swinging made me feel a little better. My eyes slid closed and I embraced the cool breeze that whipped through my hair. It felt nice to just escape for a little bit until I remembered the last time I was at the park. It was, in fact, the same night Frank and Lauren exchanged their kiss and I ran away.

Realizing this, my eyes opened again and I immediately lost the momentum I’d built up propelling back and forth. I allowed the swing to slow down to a stop as I sat there, feeling sick to my stomach. I felt rage at my mind for shoving Frank constantly into my life. I wanted to scream and possibly drop tackle someone to let my fury out, but I knew even that wouldn’t help, though it was still tempting. My anger heightened in the fact that I could do nothing in this situation.

Instead of letting out my feelings, I clenched my jaw, bottling up everything. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to compose myself from this random fit that had gotten in the habit of appearing lately. I really didn’t appreciate it.

In the midst of my meditation, I ignored the sound of someone sitting on the other swing next to me and whispered short soothing words to myself every couple of seconds. I didn’t care if they thought I was crazy; that was the least of my worries. In fact, if they thought I was crazy, they’d probably go away faster.

“Hi,” the stranger said after at least two minutes of silence, making me jump, proving my theory wrong. My eyes opened in annoyance and I turned to him, ready to say I wasn’t in the mood for small talk, but I stopped, my mouth just hanging open stupidly.

“What,” I stated, not comprehending the sight in front of me. It couldn’t be. It didn’t make sense. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the situation. All my thoughts were focused on different way to tell myself I didn’t understand what was happening, while completely failing at processing life.

Either I was hallucinating or Frank was sitting on the swing next to me.

“Hi,” he repeated, as if that’s what I was questioning. A swirl of my previous anger swept over me, causing me to leap out of the swing, planting my feet in the sand below to face him. I raised my fist and he winced, squeezing his eyes shut and gripping the chains tightly, but sticking his ground in the seat.

“I’m not going to punch you,” I mumbled after a bit of contemplation, dropping my arm to my side, my eyes now downcast. Frank peeked up at me reluctantly as if I were tricking him to catch him off guard, but slowly eased up upon realizing that I had told the truth.

“You sure looked like you were going to,” he commented, twisting his feet in the sand absentmindedly. I didn’t bother to answer him, let alone look at him anymore because I hadn’t prepared for this. Nowhere in my day’s schedule did it say Frank Iero would visit.

But that being said, why wouldn’t he just decide to drop by unannounced, somehow finding me and scaring me half to death, yet still casually sitting there? That’s right up his alley.

“What are you doing here?” I finally uttered, still shaking slightly, not knowing what do to with myself. I eventually sat back down in the swing now that my legs were working again.

“I was in the neighborhood,” Frank offered casually, with a barely audible dry laugh at the end that he erased immediately once he saw my unamused face.

That’s right. Keep on keeping on, funny man.

My rage meter was off the charts. With my eyes bulging, it took every ounce of strength in me not to just scream and curse at him for being responsible for my imbalance of emotion and rationality since I’d met him. Instead, I tensed up to control my body, only staring at him. I didn’t even want the words beginning to form outside my mind because there would be no telling when I’d stop or what I’d say.

“Please yell at me,” Frank begged in a whisper, his eyes searching me for some mercy that was more tolerable than the silence I destroyed him with. I stood my ground momentarily, considering his offer, until he finished, “I know you want to and I deserve it.”

“No,” I replied in a calm voice, surprising even myself. I took a breath, my gaze on him not wavering for a second. “I’m not going to yell at you. I’m going to listen to what you have to say. And then I may or may not yell at you.”

Frank swallowed noticeably, his trepidation growing drastically by the second. It was anyone’s guess where he would begin extracting his thoughts into an explanation, so I just sat there watching these wheels turn in his head.

“Julie,” he addressed, and nothing more. His voice sounded genuine and I finally closed my eyes, relieving the pressure of my glare that I knew was making him uncomfortable. During this time of silence, I considered letting him know that I had forgiven him, but I kept my jaw clenched shut because it wasn’t that simple. “I’m a screw up. That’s what I do: I screw things up,” Frank recognized as I held my eyes downward on the ground, ready for him to tell me something I didn’t already know.

“I let Lauren kiss me because,” Frank paused shortly as he squirmed in the swing seat, digging his toes further and further into the sand, “because I’m a douche who wanted closure in some sick way. I needed the confirmation that I was fully over her. I wanted to move on with you.” At least I knew he was telling the truth this time, instead of that bull shit response he tried to feed me last time this was discussed. Or rather yelled.

“I can’t comprehend why you couldn’t have just left words as enough,” I countered, ignoring his undeniably sweet statement in regards to me. I couldn’t let my guard down yet.

“Because I’m a dumbass,” Frank answered loudly while running a hand though his messy brown hair, obviously frustrated with himself. “I’ve never regretted anything more in my entire life, and that’s quite a few years.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand you, Frank,” I declared with a shake of my head, frustrated that this exchange of words really hadn't progressed very far.

“Lauren tried to talk to me after that night,” Frank continued, ignoring my comment. I stared at him, interested in where he would be directing this conversation. He knew that would get my attention. “I told her we were never talking again, and I meant it,” Frank declared with determination, a look in his eye telling me that he spoke only the truth. Still, I only looked at him. He sighed, probably expecting more of a reaction from me.

We sat in silence for a long while, neither of us sure of where to go from there. My thoughts pounded back and forth, screaming at me from injecting new ideas into my mind. My brain one hundred percent told me to just walk away from Frank; that he causes too much drama in my life and I didn’t need to deal with such uncertainty all the time.

I stood up from the swing suddenly, catching Frank off guard. I simply looked at him, which earned me a confused expression from him.

“Get up,” I instructed plainly, with no compassion in my voice. It surprised me how cold I sounded. Slowly, Frank stood up with the same perplexing and timid movements that mixed in and out of the whole conversation. I looked the short distance up to him, glaring almost angrily into his eyes, to which his eyebrows drew together and his lips pressed together. He expected the worst, and so did I.

However, I stunned us both by stepping forward and wrapping my arms around him, nestling my face into the crook of his neck. Frank stood there motionless for a couple seconds and I could hear his heart beating uncontrollably fast as I closed my eyes and soaked up the feeling I had missed all this time.

When his arms held me, I felt a warm, gooey feeling churn through me that made me absolutely want to roll my eyes at if it were anyone else. I couldn’t believe how utterly sappy I felt, but I couldn’t help it in any way possible. I took a deep breath, our grip on each other growing steadily tighter as if worried one of us would leave again.

“I feel really fucking lame right now, so I’m just going to go all out,” I mumbled with a small chuckle into Frank chest, still not wanting to let go, causing him to laugh. I missed his laugh a lot, and my brain cursed the rest of me for filling up with elation after so many months of pent up anger. Unintentionally, tears began welling up in my eyes, much like any other time Frank was involved for an elongated amount of time in my thoughts. “I really missed you.”

I suddenly full on burst into tears. I didn’t want to see his reaction, but I was sure Frank wouldn’t judge me, considering the situation and the parties involved. I hated how much I allowed myself to attach to him, especially to a degree that was obviously irreversible.

“Please don’t cry,” Frank soothed softly into my ear after planting a small peck on my head, running his hand up and down my back tenderly. His other hand found its way securely on the back on my head, pulling me even closer to him. “I hate when you cry.”

“I hate you, Frank,” I replied with hostility, not valuing the stupid feelings I always had in the least. I still stood my ground though, contrasting severely with my continuance of, “I hate you so much.”

“I hate me, too,” Frank agreed calmly, not moving an inch away from me either. He connected his temple to mine lightly with a sigh, causing another surge of bliss to run through me as I closed my eyes, soaking up the contact. “But I promise if you give me another chance, I will not fuck up anything ever, ever, ever again.”

“That’s a lot of ‘ever’s,” I commented, sniffing, some suspicion in my voice. There was no way this could work, my brain told me repetitively.

“And it’s all for you, my darling,” he offered simply, leaning back so he looked down at me, waiting for my gaze to return his, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Something felt off, but I couldn’t place what. After so long without contact, it seemed like our life together was just a dream, and my reality shouldn’t change to live with that fantasy.

I dropped my arms finally from around him, letting them hang loosely at my sides. Frank took this cue to back up from me, bringing his grip to my upper arms, his eyes boring into me despite my lack of acknowledgement.

“You’ve already given up on me, haven’t you?” he asked slowly with a pitiful voice, his shoulders dropping almost pathetically. I remained mute, much to his dismay, I’m sure, capturing myself in thoughts.

There was some truth in what he said, I realized. Yes, I had forgiven him and yes, I knew we’d talk again, but I desperately tried stamping out my previous feelings over our time apart. There was no way I succeeded, but I certainly repressed a large majority of it.

“I’ve given up on me, too,” Frank continued on, his hands slipping from my arms with the last little bit of contact sending shivers up my spine. It was then that I realized how cold it was outside and just how alone I felt. I finally met his eyes, only to find them closed, a heart wrenchingly sad expression on his face. Brain or heart, I asked myself. It was always a question of do I live responsibly, or do I live the way life was intended?

Shifting my weight to my toes, I swiftly gained a couple of inches and planted a short kiss to his uncharacteristically discouraged face. Frank wasn’t allowed to give up. Hearing this from him made my heart take over and realize that I still cared for this boy a lot.

Frank’s eyes shot open and his cheeks flushed a little bit, but I couldn’t tell if it was from me or the chilly weather. His eyes glinted with hope as he searched my face for a particular reason for the random gesture. I couldn’t give him one; I just wanted to.

“Let’s go somewhere,” I told Frank, jerking my head to the right to indicate the direction of civilization.

“Y-You want to talk to me still?” he stuttered, growing even more surprised if it were possible. I imagine I was confusing him greatly, but I didn’t see a problem with it since that’s all he ever used to do with me.

“No, we’re not even going to recognize the other,” I stated flatly while rolling my eyes. The corners of Frank’s mouth twitch upward when he realized my decline was inaccurate. I had a lot to talk with Frank about, such as the real reason he decided to show up or how he knew where to find me, but a resentment boiled toward the place we had been standing the whole time.

“Does this mean you forgive me?” Frank wondered tentatively, gauging the ground of how to act with me. Once again, a long pause separated his words and mine as I looked at him vacantly.

“I forgave you months ago,” I said with a tiny shrug. “You just never showed up.”

“I didn’t-”

“Let’s go now,” I cut off Frank, gathering the gist of his explanation. I tugged briskly at his jacket sleeve, but not lingering any longer before I headed toward the shops that lit up in random intervals one by one as the sun continued setting, letting darkness have its turn. Frank followed without a word, neither of us having a plan. When did we ever need one?