We Need No Introduction

“I don’t really want a baby,” I told Mom over the phone.

“Oh, sweetie, how long have you and Bam been married?”

I sighed. “Four years, Mom, but I still don’t want a baby right now.”

“You may not, but I want a grandbaby!”

I laughed at my mother as a sleepy looking Bam came into the kitchen. I smiled at him, waving a hello. Bam smiled, walking over to me. “I’m gonna go Mom, Bam’s awake.”

“Okay. Make me some grandchildren! Bye!” I hung up the phone and set it on the table.

“Who was that?” Bam asked.

“Mom,” I replied.

“Still talking about the baby thing?” I nodded and stood up, giving him a hug.

“I just don’t want kids right now,” I said.

“I don’t either, but if they come, they come… much like you were doing last night.”

“Bam!” I screamed, slapping his chest. I then laughed. “You were too,” I put plainly.

“Yes I was, and if I may add, it was quite enjoyable.”

I laughed once more, kissing his cheek. “Besides,” I said walking toward the living room. “Babies just aren’t on my agenda right now.”

“Same here,” he said while following me. “But what’s on the agenda today?”

“Absolutely nothing,” I said. “It’s Saturday. You’re not supposed to do things on Saturday.”

“It’s unethical,” he agreed. “You just wanna sit around like mindless robots and watch TV then?”

“Sure,” I said, jumping on the couch. Bam followed suit, nearly falling on my legs. “Watch it!” I said with a laugh.

Bam laughed, grabbing the remote as I laid my legs in his lap. “Sorry babe.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“Let’s go!” someone shouted, bursting in the house.

“What the fuck?” I exclaimed, looking at Ryan. “What are you doing?!”

“What do you mean what am I doing? What are you doing?”

“Ab…so… lutely… nothing…,” Bam said with a smile as he rubbed circles in my skin. Ryan just looked at us like we were stupid.

“Get the fuck up. You’ve got people to see you.”

“Who?” Bam asked, watching the TV as did I.

“Everyone,” Ryan said, taking off his aviators.

“Sorry, can’t do it,” Bam said.

“What?! What are you talking about dude? Everyone is waiting for you.”

“I’m being lethargic with my wife today.”

I chuckled as did Bam at Ryan’s face. His jaw was dropped and he looked at us, mainly Bam, as if we were crazy.

“I told you yesterday what was going on today, man! The guys are counting on you!”

“Well tell them I don’t really feel like it anymore,” Bam said nonchalantly.

“What’s going on?” I asked as a commercial ran through the screen.

“Raab, uh… Dico, Steve-O, and some other guys are getting together for random pillaging around the city.”

“Pillaging?” I asked him with a smile. “You’re going to go around the city and pillage? When did you learn such a word?”

“Uh… TV?”

“Do you even know what it means?” I asked with a laugh.

“Of course. It means… the act of pillage… want me to use it in a sentence Webster?”

I laughed. “You’re not going to go around pillaging the city because if you did, you’d be robbing people and I wouldn’t let you do that.”

“Okay, Webster-”

“Are you going to call me Webster from now on?”

“Yup. Cause you’re smart.”

“And Bam likes smart chicks, I get it,” Ryan said. “Now let’s go. Guys night out!”

“It’s two in the afternoon,” I said with a laugh.

“Listen to Webster, Dunn, you’ll learn something,” Bam told him.

“Why won’t everyone just come in and hang out?” I asked Ryan, tilting my head to look at him.

“Because we’re supposed to be meeting up with… other people.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Ryan said.

“Dude! Tell me!” I all but yelled.

“We’re just going out.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, just go with him Bam so he’ll get out of the house.”

Bam looked over to me. “You sure?”

“I’m fine, just go, okay? Have a good time.”

Bam sighed, standing up. “Okay, babe. Love you,” he said, kissing my lips.

“Love you too.”

“I’ll be down soon, I’m gonna get dressed,” Bam told Ryan as he ran up the stairs.

“Don’t sit on my couch!” I yelled at him, stopping him mid-squat.

“What?”

“Don’t sit on my couch,” I replied, sitting up enough to reach the remote. Ryan stood up straight as I grabbed my pack of cigarettes from the coffee table. I lit one, dropping the back on the table and grabbed the ashtray. I sat it down on my stomach while I flipped through channels.

“Why?”

“Because. I’m not allowed to know why my husband’s doing, and even he doesn’t seem to for that fact, so you can’t sit on my couch.”

“Lighten up a bit,” Ryan said with a laugh.

“Tell everyone I say hello.”

“Will do.”

“Bye Webster!” Bam called.

“Bye… uh… shit…,” I said, trying to think of his own nickname.

“Call him Dick-tionary,” Ryan said.

“How about I just call you Dick and call it even?” I asked Ryan with a smile.

“Good one,” Bam said with a laugh. “Bye baby.”

“Bye, be careful.”

The door opened and shut signaling they left. I sighed to myself, inhaling more smoke as I did. The house was silent as well. I haven’t been alone in a house in a while… it seems weird to me now.
____

The phone rang, waking me up from my nap. I blindly felt around for the house phone and one found it, answered it.

“Hello?” I asked sleepily.

“Did I wake you?”

“No, Bam, you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“You’re fine, babe, don’t worry about it. What’s the matter?”

“Well, Dunn’s car isn’t starting and I was wondering if you could pick me up?” I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

“Sure,” I sighed. “Where?”

“We’re at Ville’s.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.”

I hung up the phone and slipped on my shoes. Not bothering to change into jeans, I kept my pajamas on because I was comfortable as it was. I grabbed my purse and keys and locked the front door behind me, walking to my car.

A good twenty minutes later, I arrived in Ville’s driveway. I turned off the car and stepped out, bringing my half lit cigarette with me. I walked up to the door and opened it, walking in.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” I heard all around the room. I nearly dropped the cigarette from my mouth.

“Wait, what?” I asked, confused. Bam came up laughing to me and he hugged me. “What’s going on?” I asked him, taking the cigarette between my fingers.

“Happy birthday, baby. Tell me you didn’t forget it.”

“Uh… possibly?”

“Blair!” Leana screamed, running up to me. I laughed as she tackled me in a hug. “Hey little sister.”

“Hey big sister. Hey Jimbo.”

“Blair,” Jimmy replied.

“Happy birthday,” Jimmy said with a smile, hugging me as well.

“Ryan’s car won’t start, my ass,” I said to Bam who only smiled in response.

“Happy birthday, I love you,” he replied.

“Thank you,” I said. “Now where are my presents? And cake? And presents?"