Forever Fades Away

BRIAN

We pulled up to the house and noticed several cars already there; Mae’s being one of them. Zack pulled up into the driveway and shut off the engine.

“I’ll get the things in, you go take your pills,” he said. For once, I didn’t mind listening to him.

I walked into my house and was greeted by several people, Jimmy being one of them.

“Hey fucker!” He came up to me and gave me a good shake.

“Hey bro, how you been?” I asked him. I glanced around the room for Mae. I didn’t see her.

“Ok ok. The rest of the people will be here later. I came by to start up the grill. Leana’s with Mae out back,” Jimmy said.

“Ok, I’ll go back out there in a bit. Zack is out front loading things out.” I excused myself and went up to my bedroom. It took me longer than usual to climb the stairs; I didn’t want to strain my heart more so.

I went into the bathroom where I had all my prescriptions, and searched for the one I needed right now. I popped two pills in my mouth and turned on the sink. I drank from the flow running from the sink.

“Brian?” I heard Mae ask from behind me. I pulled my head out from below the sink and turned the water off.

“Hey. So I forgot to tell you, we’re going to have a little get together today,” I wiped my mouth on a towel.

“its fine, I don’t mind. It feels nice to have everyone together. Zack said you were feeling tired?” I hoped she wouldn’t press this.

“Yeah.” I couldn’t lie to her. It wouldn’t be fair.

“Lie down and rest a bit.” She came up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. She looked into my eyes.

“It sounds good right now,” I said. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. She kept looking at me. I leaned in and gently kissed her on her lips. I suddenly felt waves of emotions starting to come on. I sighed.

“How about you and I go on a vacation after the repair? I mean, when I’m all healed up and ready to go?” I asked. It would be the perfect opportunity to ask her to marry me.

“Just you and me?” Mae asked. “No Zacky or Jimmy? Whoa, that’s just too hard to imagine” She started to laugh now.

“Just the two of us.”

“That would be amazing.” Mae kissed my neck softly. My heart started to race.

“It’ll be a secret though, so you won’t know until we go, ok?” I asked her. She kept placing soft kisses onto my neck.

“Gosh, I wish we could go now,” Mae said. She pulled away from me. “I’m going to go help the boys, before they burn down the patio out back. Take your time, Brian.” I grabbed her hand as she tried leaving. I gently rubbed her left ring finger and let go. Mae never noticed. She left me alone in the bathroom.

I decided I was going to shower instead of taking a quick rest. It sounded better, much more soothing. I turned on the shower and undressed. The hot water immediately relieved any tension my muscles had built up earlier.

MAE

“LEANA!” I screamed out into the backyard. I heard her running on the deck.
“Over here, sorry I was taking a quick break,” she said.

“Quick break from what?” She was suppose to set up lawn chairs out back by the pool. So far I only saw two out.

“Do you need help, Leana?” I asked her.

“She’ll end up making you put them all out,” Val chimed in.

“Hey sweetheart! I didn’t see you come in.” I started to notice more people now. I smiled and waved to anyone I had missed.

“How are you? Where’s Brian?” Val asked.

“Doing better. Brian’s upstairs, he felt tired,” I said.

“Zacky mentioned it. Gosh when does he get his valve repaired?” Leana asked.

“Well,” I had lost what day this was. I needed a moment to think about it. “Its this Monday, thank god.”

“So what does he say about the show? Matt asked me the other day, I guess he had hoped you said something to me. He didn’t want to set Brian off by straight up asking him,” Val said.

“Set him off? I thought Brian spoke with the boys about how he’s getting treated?” Val and Leana both shrugged.

“That night when we last when out, we both got into it.” I felt a shudder rise. I hated fighting with Brian. We had our fights, but this one just really upset us both. “We worked things out, from what I remember.”

“Has he mentioned anything about the show?” Val asked.

“No, but I think he’s going to play. He has all his medications for the his irregular heart and for pain management. If he doesn’t get too overworked, I think he’ll be fine.”

“Ugh, I was hoping you wouldn’t say that,” Val said.

“Why? What’s wrong?” I was worried now. At first I didn’t want him playing the show either, but Brian made me see things through his eyes. It took quite a bit of arguing from both sides, but he eventually made me see there was no harm.

“Matt doesn’t want him to. I mean, he wants to go on with the show, but not if he’s going to hurt himself.” We all looked at each other. The only person that could really say yes or no was Brian himself. We ended the conversation and finished putting out extra chairs.

Jimmy came out with a big pan full of hamburger patties and sausages. He set the big pan on the table next to the grill.

“Where’s Brian?” He asked me.

“Upstairs, he’ll be down in a bit,” I replied.

“Oh, Matt’s been asking for him.”

“I’m sure everyone else has as well.” I gave him a warm smile and went inside. I was heading towards my bedroom when I walked into Brian himself. His hair was wet.

“Feel better?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I took a shower and that really gave me some energy.” He leaned in and gave me a warm kiss on my forehead. I’ve noticed lately he’s been a bit more lovey-dovey with me, which is totally fine if you ask me.

“Everyone is looking for you out back.”

“They’re all here already?” he asked.

“Pretty much. Expecting anyone else?”

“I think my dad said he’d stop by.” He looked around for anyone.

“Go hang out with everyone, I’ll keep an eye out for anyone else.” I pushed him towards the door leading to our back yard. He gently obliged. “oh and Brian,” he looked back, “Could you please keep the beer drinking to a minimum? I don’t want to sound like your mom, but it would really make everyone feel better?”

“What do you mean make everyone feel better?” Oh shit. I was in for it.

“Well, make me feel better.” Oh gosh, there was no fixing that stupid comment.

“Mae, I thought we talked about this?”

“I know and I’m completely sorry. You’re in charge of yourself, I just…” I didn’t have anymore to say. I shrugged my shoulders.

Brian looked back at me with a pissed off expression. It soon faded away into embarrassment. My eyes stared at the floor.

“Sorry.” I looked back at him.

“For what? I’m the one that should be sorry.” I was confused.

“Everyone’s been saying comments that I’ve been snapping. I guess I have, but they-” I walked up to him and placed my hands on the side of his face.

“Baby, you don’t need to be sorry. It’s us that should apologize, really.” Brian eyed me curiously.

“I never realized we all doubted you.” My epiphany seemed to hit. “We just assumed you’d spiral out of control with the drinking and smoking. I just now noticed you don’t smoke as much as you used to.”

Brian’s jaw seemed to hit the floor.

“You just noticed?” he pulled me into his chest, and I noticed he smelled like his aftershave, with no hint of smoke whatsoever. At this point, I wasn’t sure if he even smoked at all. Maybe that could explain his snappy ness with others.

“I’m so sorry baby,” I started to sniffle. Brian felt it coming. He started to rub my back.

“This is what I didn’t want you to do, Mae.” I wiped a few stray tears.

“I know but its hard watching you struggle with yourself. Plus with all the other added stress, bills, school, family, it just builds up.”

“What do you mean I struggle?”

“Brian, I’m not completely stupid you know. I’m not a psychologist but the only emotion you’ve showed is frustration. How do you really feel about this? I honestly think that if we all treated you as though nothing was wrong, you’d flip out as well.”

“No, no…” he had no more words to say. He pulled away. He seemed distant now.

“Hey, whoa sorry guys. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” Zack walked into the hallway where Brian and I were. He glanced at Brian, who stood looking at the floor with his arms crossed over his chest. His sea-green eyes soon met my reddened ones.

“Brian, we’re not here to judge you. Remember that,” I said. I left Brian and Zack standing there.

“Wait,” Brian said. Zack stood in between us not knowing what do to. He tried to leave. “Zack, stay here. We both looked at each other.

“Mae, Zack, both of you have every right to be mad.”

“Dude, we’re not mad.”

“Just hear me out, please?” His voice started to crack. In our 2 years together, I’ve never actually seen Brian cry. This just might be the first time. I silently prayed he didn’t.

“I’ve been having stupid fucking dreams these past few days. I didn’t realize they meant anything until now.”

“Dreams? What dreams?” I asked now worried. I forgot I was supposed to stay quiet.

“I’m scared guys. I’m scared this valve repair won’t work. If I get a replacement, I’ll be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. I’ll fucking have to watch out for stupid shit, and I think that’ll get in the way of the band. I don’t want to sound like an egotistical bastard, but if I don’t have the band, and you guys don’t have me, then your lives are over just as mine would be.” I was in shock. Brian was thinking way too far ahead. Doctor O’Brien said the repair would work out just fine. Brian’s breathing labored.

“FUCK!” He brought his hands to his head and ran them through his head. “I don’t want to be the fucking reason why you guys can’t live your life. Go fucking get piss drunk, I don’t give a shit! Go take all the damn drugs you fucking want! I don’t give a shit how you live your lives. Just because I fucking can’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!” Brian was starting to yell now.

I backed into the wall to support myself. I glanced over to Zack, he seemed focused on Brian.

“Brian, you said so yourself people live their lives as normal as anyone else.” Zack spoke up.

“Yeah Zack, people that fucking have heart REPAIRS! PEOPLE THAT HAVE SMALL FUCKING MURMURS. PEOPLE THAT DON’T HAVE A SHIT-ASS HEART!”

I was scared. Tears started to flow a lot faster now. Zack looked as strong as ever.

“I’ve been lying to you guys, this entire fucking time. Why? Well, look at you all. You act as though I’m fucking invalid, shut up Zack, you got over it” I looked over to him, it seemed as though he was going to say something but Brian shut him up.

“Thanks though. I got through two of you, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to make everyone else understand I’m fucking fine. I understand you guys are worried, but there’s a line.”

“Brian?” I tried speaking up, but my voice was so low he didn’t hear me. He was so upset by now he punched the wall. A huge hole was left. I flinched, Zack sighed.

Zack glanced down at his shoes, then he looked back up to Brian, “You’re not going to get the repair on it are you?”

WHAT? Where did he pick that up from?

Brian looked up at him, then look back down. He tried speaking, but broke down crying instead. He fell to his knees. I heard people gasp behind us. They had been listening to our fight the entire time in the kitchen. I didn’t blame them, they were Brian’s friends-his brothers.

Zack and I ran to Brian in record speed. Zack went to his left, and I to his right. I was in so much shock now that I couldn’t cry anymore.
Brian sat back onto his bottom, “I got a call couple days back. O’Brien said it was worse than what he thought, that’s why I have so much more prescriptions than what I came home with,” he looked at me now. His eyes showed nothing but pain. “I’ve been taking antibiotics to prep for the surgery. Apparently I can get a real nasty infection in my heart if I’m not careful. Endo--endo something.”

“Endocarditis?” I’ve been watching the discovery health channel too much.

“I think that’s what he said. I have to get a replace,” he took a deep sigh. His eyes stopped the tears from flowing a while back. Zack stood there quietly. I couldn’t tell how he was feeling. He was either really good at hiding his emotions, or he simply understood how Brian felt.

“I feel like such a fucking douche bag now,” Brian said.

“Bro, you’re not a douche bag,” Zack said laughing. Tears started to flow from Brian’s eyes again.

“Hindsight is 20/20.” I burrowed my eyebrows together. What was he talking about?

“You mean the dreams?” Zack asked.

“Everything. I look back at lyrics and they just seem so eerie. The fucking video for Afterlife, I’m fucking laughing at a damn skull. What the fuck? I was laughing at death! How is that in any way funny?”

Zack shifted his weight onto his bottom, just as Brian had. I was still on my knees.

“It’s like everything I look back at, or dream, tells me that I’m not going to live anymore.”

“Don’t say that!” I screamed at him. “You’re just nervous Brian, none of those things mean you’re going to die!” I wanted to slap some sense into this boy.

“I know that. I know that, I really do, but I can’t help having these feelings stored at the back of my head,” he said. He pulled me into his chest. “That’s why I’m so sorry Mae. I should have told you how I felt, but I honestly thought it would make things worse.” He kissed my hair.

“I SHOULD HAVE TOLD ALL OF YOU FUCKERS!” Brian yelled so everyone else could hear. It was then I heard some sniffling noises back there. Some people were crying.

Jimmy somberly walked into the hallway where we were. His eyes were red.

“Play the show. You’ll see how much people really care about you. You’ll see everything will turn out fine.” Brian smiled.

Brian smiled like he really meant it.