Forever Fades Away

I fumbled with the keys at the front door. I couldn't’t find which key were suppose to be used to open the locks. I’m sure if I was sober it would be easier, but I was drunk. The girls had decided we were going to have a girls night out, and boy oh boy did we.

I caught a cab back home, I had too many drinks to drive tonight. I’d just pick up my car from Val’s tomorrow.

I finally unlocked the door and made myself in. It was 2:30 in the morning, so I wasn’t expecting any lights to be on. I walked in and set my keys, purse, and shoes on the entrance way. I never turned on any lights but it was brightly lit in the entrance way. I was too drunk.

“I figured you be hammered, that’s why I left it on for you. Besides, you’re wearing little high heels and I’d feel bad if you fell in the dark,” came a voice from the living room further up ahead.
I walked in and saw Brian sprawled out on the couch again, watching television.

“I’m not hammered.” I bitterly said. I was drunk. There’s a difference between hammered and drunk, I think. “Why are you still up?” I took a seat on the love seat.

“Why are you drunk?” Brain said. He never even looked my way.

“Since when am I not allowed to drink?” He drank all the damn time!

“Since…I’m not playing this shit, Mae.” He took a deep sigh. I had won in my inebriated mind. I smiled to myself. That smile turned into a giggle. I saw Brian finally look at me and I tried hiding my giggles. He rolled his eyes. I then noticed the beer bottles on the coffee table in front of us.

“You’re mad at me for being drunk, but even though I at least don’t have a heart condition!” That didn’t make sense.

“Well no shit Mae!”

“What I mean is--”

“What Mae, what do you mean?” His sarcasm was upsetting. He stood up and walked my way. I stood up and tried facing him. He was taller than me by a lot. I looked up into his eyes.

I started to laugh again. Brian was still angry with me, his eyes now squinted.

“Why so serious?” I started laughing hysterically. Ok, I was hammered. I wondered how the other girls were doing.

“This is fucking typical,” Brian said. He walked away and went upstairs.

“No Brian, this isn’t typical. Since when are you a grouchy old man? Since when are you my fucking father,” I spat out. My emotions were off the wall by now. Brian immediately turned around and looked my way. I walked over to the front of the living room.

“How is this typical Brian? Huh?” I questioned. Brian didn’t say a word. He kept looking my way, pissed as ever. His little vein on the side of his head started to fill. I wanted to laugh, actually I wanted to poke it.

“You tell me to get a life of my own and to quit worrying about you. So guess what? I quit worrying about you! I went out with the girls. I usually always go out with them. Why is this a problem now?”

I was pushed up against the wall. His lips met my own soon after. I pushed him off me, or at least tried to.

“Answer me Brian!” I didn’t know what was going on.

“I am answering you!” he screamed. He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him.

“How-” his lips met my own again.

Had I been sober, I would have pulled away. His heart couldn’t handle sex, at least in my mind. Ask Brian and he would say he can handle anything with a broken heart.

His hands had been on my waist the entire time. He lifted his hand and placed it on the back of my neck. My arm snaked around his waist, with my other resting on his chest. Our kissing continued as our breathing increased.

Brian lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me up the stairs to our bedroom. Our bedroom door was kicked open and Brain carried me to the bed. He gently placed me on the bed and crawled over me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to kiss.

“I’m sorry. Hopefully you’ll remember this tomorrow because you’re really drunk.” Brian said as he pulled away. He placed his forehead against my own.

“I’m not that drunk.” I gently started drawing on his chest.

“I can smell the booze a mile away, baby.” He started laughing now. It was nice to hear him laugh. It felt as though it had been ages since I heard him laugh.

He rolled off of me and laid next to me on the bed. He took another deep sigh. I rolled onto my side, stopped midway, then ran to the bathroom. The contents of my stomach needed out, soon.

I wiped the remnants off of my mouth and brushed my teeth. Tomorrow was going to be hell for me. I grabbed my PJ's and changed. I needed to go to bed.

“Feel better?” Brian asked.“My buzz is wearing off, so sure.” Brian laughed at the word buzz. I was no where near buzzed. I laid back down next to Brian. He was laying on his back staring at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry too. I acted a bit foolish and I’m really sorry. I’m just worried you’ll go too far,” I said. It was true. Grant Brian too much freedom and he’ll run with it. “I just think you won’t know when to say no.” Brian blinked a couple of times. It looked as though he didn’t expect me to be so blunt.

“Is that why you’ve been so protective? Baby, I’m just as scared as you are, but we really have nothing to be scared of now.” It was true. “I’m lucky I only need a repair. The recovery goes by a lot faster.” I felt like a fool right about now.

“You’re right. We are lucky.” I smiled now. I felt much more relaxed actually.

“Actually, I’m the lucky one. I have you by my side. I don’t think I would’ve turned out ok without you worrying nonstop. It made me realize we got to live day by day, without worrying too much about the future.”

We laid in silence for a bit.

“Do you really think that about me?” Brian spoke up.

“What?” I said as i was dozing off.

“I push myself too hard.”

“I said that?” I asked.

“No, not exactly--” I interrupted him.

“Brian, when you think you’re in the right, there’s no stopping you. You’re just stubborn, everyone is to a certain extent. I was just worried you would try too hard to prove to everyone that you’re fine.”

“But I am,” he said.

“And that’s where I get so frustrated!” Brian was silent. We weren’t going to solve anything tonight. “We all know that if we don’t keep an eye on you, you’ll live like nothing happened. You can’t smoke as much as you usually do, and you can’t get piss drunk like me whenever--”

“And I haven’t been!” he made gestures with his hands. I wanted to tell him he won the argument. I was tired, beyond tired. Words couldn’t express how tired I was.

“But that’s because we’ve all been on your case about it,” I moaned. I started to feel sick again. “Have you not realized the boys don’t offer you anything to drink?”

“Everyone is afraid of me,” he quietly said.

“BRIAN!”

“Matt didn’t even want to hang out with me.” He started to pout now. I looked into his eyes. I saw confusion, I saw pain.

“I understand why though,” Brian said.

“Why?” I casually asked him.

“You’re always nagging at them.”

“NO.”

“I’m kidding. I guess they’re just as scared as you, huh?” Leave it to Brian to not show how he truly feels. Men and their feelings…

“Let’s go to sleep, baby.” I pulled him closer. “We can all go out to breakfast with the group tomorrow, maybe even invite them over and both of us can sit them down and talk about everything.” He was feeling weak right now.

“I knew I picked the right groupie that day,”

“Groupie?” I wasn’t in the mood for this.

“Or gold-digger, which ever you prefer.” I laughed it off.

BRIAN

The past few days have been hell for me. Night comes and goes for everyone, nothing to worry about. I didn’t wait for Mae to confront her tonight. I just simply did not want to go to bed.

My dreams become more vivid as the days go by. While I don’t mind the beautiful scenery, what I despise is what the actual dream consists of. The one in the hospital I had with Mae and myself drove me insane. I had several others that consisted of the same thing.

I walk around with everyone, joking laughing or whatever it may be. Everything is fine but then I disappear. I see myself fade out into the background. What happens next just drives me mad.

My latest one was with my dad. We were sitting outside, me tuning my acoustic guitar and him writing tabs. We’re laughing and playing around when suddenly he starts to look around confused. I hear him call out my name and look right through me.

I used to think they did it on purpose, ignore me like that. Now I know I’m just going crazy. It’s like my mind is playing tricks on me, or mocking me. I know everything is fine, but why do I feel as though I’m wasting my life away? I just need to get away, that’s all.