Feelings Lately - Comments

I think the reason you have don't have a boyfriend is because you've gone from desperately wanting one to giving up altogether. Plus your bitter resentment towards "ugly girls with horrible attitudes" that have boyfriends is very off putting. You say you're introverted, that can be changed if you want it to, some guys like a quiet girl but you've gotta start talking to guys if you want a boyfriend. Join a group/club or something, meet guys with similar interests. And school smart is very different to real life smart. All throughout high school I felt that I was surrounded by morons who got much higher marks than me on tests and shit. It all comes down to learning styles, school caters best to those with good memories. The people without have to work a little harder.

Hey there. I hope this blog isn't too personal for me to comment on it.

But anyway, about having no boyfriend — 100% agreed. I'll be turning 17 in November, and I've never been in a relationship. I'm a total introvert too, a bit of a nerd, overweight, short (as in, I'm literally 4"10/147cm), ugly. And not to mention talentless. All my friends are female, but either way I feel like I don't have a single friend who I can truly depend on when I need it. (I was going through depression, one friend cared I guess but she's always busy 'cause she's always doing things that'll increase her chances of getting into a top university; the rest didn't give me the time of day.)

And almost all my friends (mostly the ones who are relatively closer to me, and a few who are just a little bit closer to me than mere acquaintances) come to me for advice or to rant; be it about crushes, relationships (especially because several of them just got into relationships this year)(oh, the irony of them seeking advice from someone with zero experience), depression (they weren't there when I needed help, but somehow it's okay for them to come to me when they need it), school work (she seems pretty smart! let's ask her!), etc.

About 'females' — I totally get it. I'm a huge supporter of LGBTQ, so I really wouldn't mind discovering I'm lesbian/bisexual/etc (my family and some friends are a different story, but yeah, ahah). I'm in the midst of discovering my true sexuality, I guess; I mean, I find both guys and girls attractive, and I'm obviously a virgin but I'm not at all opposed to the idea of having sex with someone of either gender. And I've always been curious about what it'd be like to have a girlfriend — but yeah, like you said, it might just stem from the fact that I've never had a boyfriend.

And well, I've never had a major crush on anyone, regardless of gender. I've had a few minor, short-term crushes on guys (one shorter than a week, the longest would probably be the one I had on-and-off for 6 months; things like that), but that's it. I've been especially attracted to a few girls before (not just because of their looks, but their personalities as well), but I've never really had a proper crush on any. So I really don't know.

In a way, I feel like it's hard to find out because I live in a community where LGBTQ are generally looked down upon and it's technically illegal to be gay, anyway. So there's no bisexuals/lesbians/etc around here. And I'm naturally pretty damn good at suppressing my feelings — like, if I find out that the guy I like likes someone else and/or doesn't/wouldn't like me, so far I'm always able to get over him pretty quickly. It's kinda weird actually, haha, but I'm pretty grateful for it.

Having said that, if I fall for a straight girl, I'd probably naturally get over her long before the feelings develop further. Like, if I ever fell for one of my straight friends (I was once especially attracted to one of my close friends, though, I know it would never work out anyway), I'd instinctively try to get over them ASAP because I know that they wouldn't be very comfortable about it if they found out. And I'd just get hurt for no reason. And I'm supposed to be sincerely, wholeheartedly there for them whenever they need to talk to me about their crushes/relationships/etc. So yeah.

As for school, I kinda get what you mean, but in a different way. I'm an above-average student in class, but I've been having home tuition classes since I was eight, so that may have something to do with it. Sometimes I take a long time to understand things too (sadly, I'm a pretty slow learner IMO), but often it's not too much of a problem for me to pick up things in class as long as I pay attention, complete all my class/homework and revise before the exam.

On the other hand, as I mentioned before, I'm talentless. I make a bit of an effort to maintain my grades because I'm useless when it comes to anything else. I'm absolutely unfit, can't play a single sport (as in, if you throw a ball towards me, chances are I can't catch it), can't cook, can't do chores, can't play a single instrument, can't do public speaking or debates (because I'm so introverted, socially awkward, nervous, etc., my stage fright is amazing. I just go absolutely blank and can't form words let alone coherent sentences) — you name it.

Hell, I'm even a slow reader (as in, I've even timed myself to confirm it, and I'm below the average reading speed). And not to mention how incredibly lazy I am (I'm not very superstitious, but someone I know who studies Eastern astrology for fun — Vedic astrology, to be specific — managed to tell me a lot of things about myself that she didn't know, and she mentioned that I'd better be careful because my ability to procrastinate is incredible, like a lot more than the average person — which I've always believed to be true long before she mentioned it, so yeah). In a nutshell, I'm an absolute failure at life. /sigh

So basically, just know that you're not alone. Like seriously, you're sure as hell not the only one who feels that way. Maybe one day we'll achieve things we want to, consider ourselves successful, be proud of ourselves and not feel stupid/useless/ugly/talentless/etc! Maybe we'll even feel like better people than those around us. Wishful thinking, but I'm sure one day it'll happen. Or at least, we'll get pretty damn close. But yeah. And I'm sorry for ranting too when you were the one who was trying to express your feelings! Ahah. I kinda just started ranting without realizing (I tend to do that a lot).