'til the end of the line.

He awakes in a cold sweat almost every night. Flash backs of another time, another place, another man who lived a happy life. He had girls, family, and a friend…. a friend whose name he couldn’t pin point. But he remembers, remembers that there is something about him. His face so familiar, but the memories of another time always slipping between his fingers.
And then…. and then he remembers laying back, allowing the machine to strap him in and then all the memories are gone and all that is left is his mission.
His eyes are wide open, but they see nothing at all. It’s not because the room is dark, no. It’s because his mind is wondering. Searching deep within for this Bucky. “Who is Bucky?” He mumbles to himself. He turns his head and sees the street light seeping into his room shining off of his arm. 50 years they say. 50 years and not once did he think to ask, or maybe it simply didn’t matter to ask, but what happened to his arm. He gets glimpses of a face. He smiles at him and tells him that it is time. His eyes are darting in his memory, but they are hazy, he is drifting away. And then he sees it. A red color. What is it? Eyes try to focus on it, but he regrets doing that. A scream in his mind as he feels the loss of his arm.
He is back in his dark room lit only by the street light coming in through the thick curtains. “What happened to me?” He mumbles to himself. He sits up, so much for sleeping. He thinks about finding the Captain. But is that truly a memory he wants to go down? What will he find when he meets the Captain. He remembers that face. “Who is he?” He is my mission is all that he can remember. But there are flashes. Flashes of a time long ago when a man that looked like himself smiled with the Captain, with his former mission.

It wasn't going to be an easy task, finding Bucky. Steve knew that, but he didn't care. He didn't care what it took, he didn't care how far he had to go, or how long he had to look, he was going to find him. He'd seen that glimmer of recognition and then horror cross his old friend's face when he spoke those nine simple words. He knew that it wasn't exactly his best friend, but he was still in there somewhere. He just wanted to help him. After everything that they'd been through, didn't Steve at least owe his friend that much? Bucky had always had his back, and Steve had always had his...until that day when Steve was sure that he'd lost him. But he hadn't truly lost him, and maybe this was a second chance, albeit a twisted one, but a second chance nonetheless.

A soft sigh escaped the captain's lips as he stared out the window of the hotel. He didn't really know how long he and Sam had been looking. They hadn't stopped since Natasha had given Steve those files from Kiev. The mere thought of them put a sour taste in Steve's mouth. He couldn't believe what Bucky had been through, it was almost too much for him to stomach. He knew what Hydra was capable of though, he only wished that they hadn't gotten their hands on Bucky though. "We're going to find him, you know." Steve's gaze shifted from the scenery outside over to Sam when his friend spoke. "I know...I just--I feel like we should've already...I feel like I should know where he'd go...but I don't...not anymore..."

Bucky shakes his head a bit, palms pressed onto his eyes. His mind is a swirl of a man named Bucky and a weapon named the Winter Soldier. "It's time." He mumbled to himself before getting up and heading to the bathroom. He looked himself in the mirror. His hair was long, his beard unshaved for a day or two now. The man in the mirror was not the Bucky that he say in his memories. That man was clean shaven, short hair, and air of arrogant confidence. This man had confused and dull blue eyes. Bucky splashed water in his face. With eyes closed to avoid the water from entering them his mind assaulted him with yet another image. This time it was of the man named Bucky laughing with his mission, that Captain. His eyes snapped open. "Who are you?"

He couldn't anymore. He needed answers. He was trained well enough both in the USA Army and Hydra that he was confident enough to come out of hiding without being caught by Hydra and sent back to be frozen. He hated that so much.

Quickly Bucky got dressed than headed out to the city library that he saw on his way to the hotel. He was going to do research. You don't become a target, a mission, without going down in the history books at some point.

[I totally didn't see that you'd posted ]

It killed Steve knowing that he didn't really know his best friend anymore. He knew that Bucky wasn't exactly Bucky just yet, but it still frustrated him knowing that he didn't know one of the most important people in his life like he used to. Bucky was always there for him and vice-versa. They probably knew each other better than they knew themselves, but clearly that wasn't the case anymore. He was going to change that though. He was going to find Bucky, and he was going to help him remember the man that he once was. He knew that his friend had been through a lot though, and that was probably easier said than done. Steve was up for the challenge though. He was willing to give everything that he had to helping his best friend. Before he could do that though, he needed to find him, and that task seemed to be just as difficult.

[Lol it's no problem at all. Things have been a little crazy for me this past week, got a second job and still go to school lol... ]

Libraries were so different from what he could vaguely remember and this wasn't caused by Hydra, this was because he simply couldn't recall spending more than twenty minutes of his life time in one. Bucky drew the hood on from his hoodie and walked in, head bow, and avoiding all eye contact that. Hide in plain sight. Don't draw attention. But he looked a mess. Red eyes from lack of sleep, unshaven face from lack of caring, hair long and tangled. Deep down he knew he had standards, but for the time that he has been away from Hydra he just hasn't had the energy to take care of himself.

It seemed to Bucky that there were roughly more computers in this library than their were books. He headed from the terminal furthest away from the entrance and away from as many people as he could. It was early, so there weren't too many people in the entire building. Bucky wasted no time on hacking into the computer, since it was asking him for an account number and password. Last thing he was going to do was get found because he needed an account to log into a computer.

The first thing Bucky did was an image search of 'Captain America'. He needed to put a proper name to the image in his fuzzy memory. He hesitated before hitting the enter button. Many of the first images that came up were of action figures, cartoon characters. The face was slightly off, but that was him, that was the Captain. His helmet was on, so he scrolled and scrolled, looking for the Captain without a helmet. Bucky's hands started shaking. He was scared of what he would find.

[Btw, here I am assuming they are coincidentally in the same town, lol, just to speed things up a bit, if you would like.]

[Sorry for the delay! I was crazy busy last weekend, and I was sick most of this week.]

Steve had no idea just how close his friend was. He and Sam had been searching for about two weeks now, with no luck whatsoever, so he really had no reason to believe that Bucky was as close as he really was. He didn't want to lose hope, not when the search had only just begun, but it was kind of hard not to. He wasn't going to give up though. This was Bucky. He didn't care if he didn't remember him. He didn't care if this man wasn't the man that he used to be. None of that mattered. Bucky was like family. He was all Steve really had left. He'd lost him once before, or so he thought, and he wasn't about to lose him a second time.

So, even when it seemed like there was no use looking, he was going to keep looking. All the leads he and Sam had found thus far hadn't really been leads at all, but that didn't mean that there wouldn't be any at some point in the future. Steve didn't care how long it took. He wasn't going to give up. Not on Bucky.

[I'm fine with that!]

(Ooh no being sick sucks! And it's all good. I've been busy too.)

Bucky became distracted on the internet. He kept clicking image after image. Page after page of photos of a man named Bucky. He read about him. Everything was a blur, a haze. But he remember. He didn't remember. His head was spinning. His mind hurt. Nothing made sense. Everything made sense. It was him, but not him. He was Bucky, but he was the Winter Soldier. He was a weapon. He was Steve's best friend. "No... No.... what...?" He mumbled as he stumbled out of the library. "Who... please... no more." He groan, head in his hand. He could not see where he was going. He wasn't even aware that there was anyone but himself in his crazy spinning world. "Why my?"

[Yeah, and then I was dealing with an anxiety attack today...totally not my week ]

"Hey, why don't we go grab a beer and something to eat? You've been cooped up in this hotel room for too long anyway." Sam suggested, clapping Steve on the back. Steve wanted to protest and tell him that he'd rather just stay in for the rest of the afternoon, he really just wasn't in the mood to go out and possibly socialize with people, but he decided against it. He couldn't be like that. He wasn't going to find Bucky by sulking in hotel rooms whenever a trail ran dry. "Alright, but only if you're buying." Steve said, chuckling slightly. "You drive a hard bargain, Cap." The two friends left the hotel, laughing about a comment Sam had made a few minutes later. They were headed to the bar a block or so over from the hotel.

(Ooh no, I know how horrible that can be. I deal with anxiety and depression myself :/ well hopefully you'll have a great weekend to make up for that)

Bucky wasn't feeling right. He couldn't remember what feeling normal even felt like. All he knew was the mission, the spying, the killing, then the shock of being reset and then cold cold darkness. But now there was a new sensation. It was sharp consuming pain. He stopped in his tracks and it all came back to him. "Food." He mumbled before stumbling to find the nearest place to eat.

[omg just find each other lol XD]

[I never really had a problem with anxiety before, but I've noticed one developing recently...my weekend hasn't been too bad. I had work, and now I'm attempting to study for a midterm ]

Steve had no idea just how close his friend really was to him at that very moment. And why would he expect that at all? He and Sam had been looking for a decent amount of time already, and every lead that they seemed to have wasn't really much of a lead at all. He knew that he couldn't give up hope, and he wouldn't, he wasn't going to give up on Bucky, but it was becoming more and more difficult as time went on. It didn't take him and Sam very long to reach the bar. It wasn't too crowded, Steve supposed it was the time of day, but there were a few tables filled and some singles seated up by the bar.

[Omg, I know!]

Bucky was one of the people sitting alone at a table. It had been so long since he went into a bar. Everything was different since the last time he was in one. But why wouldn't it be. Last time he was in a bar he was celebrating another victory against Hydra. Celebrations for victories at that time, no matter how small the victory was, were huge. It was sign that we were winning against an ultimate evil. Now it was dull and quiet. Music played from speakers somewhere in the room and no one danced. People chatted but as he looked around he noticed that many of them were on their electronics. It was not much different than his days, expect instead of a large news paper you had a small device that connected you to the world.

Bucky ordered his meal, eyes avoiding the waiter, looking past him and he noticed that a pair walked in to the bar. The face familiar, but he paid it no mind. There were times when he saw faces he recognized, but knew they must be long dead by this time. He looked back down and took a sip of his glass. It felt good.

Steve probably wouldn't have even give him a second glance. In civilian clothes, with his head down for the most part, Bucky didn't stand out amongst the others seated in the bar. But Steve had felt eyes on him since the moment he and Sam walked into the bar, and he'd been a bit on edge every since. So, after sitting down, he found himself looking around, surveying his surroundings. And that's when he spotted him.

He was sitting by himself at one of the smaller tables. Steve watched as the waiter brought over his meal, a wordless nod the only recognition that he even noticed the food had been placed in front of him. At first Steve thought his mind was playing tricks on him. After all, what were the odds that they'd been in the same bar in the same city at the same exact time? They weren't the best odds at all, but clearly the odds were in his favor that day or something. "I'll be right back." He told Sam. He didn't even tell his friend where he was going or what he was doing, he just stood up and made his way over towards the table. "I don't want any trouble, I just want to talk."

It was mid bite when Steve walked up to Bucky. The man was so exhausted, so defeated, that he did not fight it. He did not run. He simply looked up and nod. Acknowledging the other man. He continued to eat in silence, head bowed and eyes covered by his long, ragged hair.

"Why?" Bucky finally mumbled. "Why are you looking for me? What do I even mean to you? You were friends with James Barnes, but he died on the cliff decades ago."

Steve frowned. It was hard for him to see Bucky like this. He hadn't expected him to be exactly like he was back in the forties, but nothing could've ever prepared him to see his old friend like this. Broken. Worn out. It killed him to see him like this.

"Because you're my friend, my best friend." He told him. "I know that you don't remember much, and I know that things aren't going to go back to how they used to be. I know that you're different now, that you're not going to be exactly how you were back then, but you still him. You're still James Buchanan Barnes, and something tells me that you know that too."

"I remember enough." Bucky looked up at Steve for the first time since the other man sat down. "I remember that the man you once knew is gone. I remember a lot of pain and a lot of darkness. Darkness. Isn't that what they say you see once you're dead. Your friend is dead." Bucky kept repeating that. Bucky Barnes had to be dead. He had to make himself believe that. How could he be that happy man that hit on all the girls, went out dancing, and laughed. Bucky knew how to laugh. This man, the Soldier, he doesn't remember laughing.

"I'm not him... I can't be him..." He wanted so badly to be Bucky, but from what he has found it's been about 70 years since Bucky fell from the cliff and 70 years since the Winter Soldier was born. That's a life time. A life time that he missed. A life time where he could have retired from the Army, gotten married, had kids, been happy. Been Bucky.

Steve shook his head. It wasn't so much that he didn't believe that the man before him was a changed man as it was that he refused to believe that his friend was gone. He was still there. Deep down, he had to be. "If that were the case, you wouldn't have gone after me. You wouldn't have cared about what happened to me. You would have let me die, but you didn't. Because, deep down, I know that you know that you're still him." He said.

"And I don't care about the things you've done. I don't care about any of that at all. I know that it's as much a part of you as anything else is, but you saved me, and that has to mean something." That was how he saw it anyway. "So, you can say that you aren't him, but who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?"

There was a hint of sad desperation in Bucky's red rimmed blue eyes. He wanted so bad to be friends with this kind man. He could see, he has seen that this man would do anything for him. But there was still part of the Hydra abused mind still saw him as a threat. But he knew, from the way his heart fluttered when the man would look at him. He knew he was someone special. "I want to be him. I want to be Bucky. But you don't understand the things that I have done."

Bucky looked down again. Once more hiding behind the vial of his hair. "Please..." He didn't even know what he was begging for.

Steve hated seeing him like this. He hated seeing Bucky so down, so broken. It killed him to see him like this because, regardless of whether he wanted to believe he was Bucky Barnes or not, this was his best friend. They'd made a promise to each other. 'Til the end of the line. Steve wasn't about to go back on that promise. "I don't need to understand, that wasn't you. You're a good man. I read your file...a friend of mine knew some people in Kiev...I know what they did to you, and I know that you thought you were doing the right thing. That doesn't make you a bad person."

"Doesn't it though?" Bucky's hands were on the table, just inches away from touching Steve's skin. He wanted to feel that warmth. He longed to have his life back... what life though? "I believed it. And even now I believe it just a little bit. They made sense...." Bucky trailed off. No, he didn't want to talk about that. Not now. Not with anyone ever. "Steve..." Bucky pulled back. That name was so foreign on his lips, but as he spoke that familiar name a sense of comfort came over him. It felt like for once, for just a moment he could breathe and relax. He let out a sign, visibly deflating. "I'm so tired, Steve... Steve..." He liked saying that name. Before he could even give it a second thought. Before he even knew what words were about to come out of his lips, Bucky spoke his request, his pleading. "Take me home..." His eyes closed. Head in his hands once more. "I want to go home." He hated the feel of metal against his own skin. He hated who he was made to be. Why me? He thought, suddenly recalling that long before he became the Winter Soldier Hydra had experimented on him before. It felt like he couldn't escape. Like it was some sort of punishment for having had such a wonderful life with his best friend. "Please."