On My Watch Tonight

For the first few minutes or so, Alex had done a good job to keep his composure. The only thing that continued to run through his mind was pictures and images of some other man holding his son, feeding his son, carrying for his son. Alex clamped his eyes shut, shoving the palms of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to distract himself from the images that ran rampant through his mind.

Alex's breathing started to grow faster, barely exhaling before he had to drag another lungful of air into his body. Alex's face started to grow fuzzy but no matter what he did, he couldn't seem to get it under control. His vision started to get blurry and out of nowhere, Alex found himself lashing out at the railing of the deck. He punched the railing one, two, three times before he felt a spasm of pain shoot through his fist.

Letting out a dry laugh, Alex cradled his hand, his fingers digging into the palm of his hand to exacerbate the pain. It was the only thing that was seeming to help bring him back down to reality. But at least it was working.

Standing at the sink, Juliette heard what Alex was doing outside. She hung her head, gripping onto the sink in front of her. The only time the man had been this angry was when his grandfather died. Juliette’s chest tightened. She couldn’t imagine the pain and anger that Alex was going through. She knew that is what he had least expected to come from her mouth… Juliette had never been good at keeping things from her husband.

Juliette wiped at her eyes, unable to keep the tears back. She drew in a ragged breath, her head still hanging down towards the sink. Should she have done things differently? Should she have declined the help? How the hell was she supposed to know her husband was coming home? They told her he was declared dead!

Maybe she should have started off with how miserable she was while he was gone. Maybe she should have told him the time that his mother had to come over and take her to the hospital because… Well, that wasn’t important. She didn’t want to fill his head with more grief than what was needed, but it was apparent that she had done the wrong thing anyway.

Juliette raised her head, deciding it was time to go out and intervene. She slipped quietly out the back door, not really prepared with what she was going to say to him. “Baby…” her voice cracked. “I’m sorry, I… I just…” And then the sobs came, taking her over.

Alex had been half prepared to come home only to find out that she was with another man. He almost thought that would have hurt a whole lot less than learning another man had helped to raise his child. His heart clenched and the pain only continued to grow despite gaining a bit of control over his breathing. Maybe it would have been better if he just hadn't come home at all. Just maybe.

And this was all because he hadn't led his team well. If he had been more alert, more on guard, they wouldn't have been ambushed. He wouldn't have been the only one to survive, only to be taken prisoner. Alex had tried so goddamned hard but he hadn't been strong enough, he didn't have enough power to escape. And knowing his child had been waiting on him?

John would be better for Juliette, for Junior. At least he knew how to walk and hell, he could probably run a whole helluva lot better than Alex, too. Might even be stronger at this point. Hearing the door open and close behind him, Alex only tended further.

Alex pushed to his feet, shakily turning around and making his way toward Juliette. He refused to look at her, refused to acknowledge the fact that she was crying because he knew if he did, he would only crumble at her feet. "I can... I should probably... go."

“Go?!” Juliette all but shouted. Her heart was racing and her head was spinning. Why would he want to go? Why would he want to leave here there by herself, all over again? Her chest tightened with fear, fear that if he left he wouldn’t be coming back. There would be more nights spent alone, more holidays to celebrate without him, birthdays and anniversaries would pass without his presence.

Juliette couldn’t bear the thought of her husband leaving again, even if it was only to a hotel or his parents’ house. It would be him choosing to leave her, voluntary making the decision to not be there for her. Her breathing was rapid as she looked at him incredulously. That was the last thing that she had expected him to say. Hadn’t he just promised that he wasn’t going anywhere? That he was here for good?

Juliette shook her head and tore her eyes away from him. “You promised me Alex. You promised you would stay. You can’t just run away because shit is tough back here at home, too. How are we supposed to get through all of this if you won’t let down one fucking wall and talk to me?”

Alex drew in a deep breathe, refusing to look at Juliette. The way she was reacting was enough to shove the final nail in the coffin, at least to make him realize that perhaps things weren't as similar as he had thought. His wife had formed a relationship with another man and he couldn't really fault her - he had gotten her pregnant, only to disappear for nearly three years. His jaw clenched as he exhaled slowly, willing himself to keep his cool.

All Alex wanted to do was shout at Juliette, tell her how unfair this was because it wasn't as if he had chosen to leave but at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to. He had been weak and naive when he shouldn't have been. "But," Alex began, his voice strained, barely containing his emotions. "But, I don't belong here. Do I?" Alex whispered, tilting his head to the side as he finally looked down at her.

"I can't be mad at you, Juli. But I don't belong here, I've been... gone for years. I can't ask you to let me just waltz back in like those years didn't happen because as much as we don't want to acknowledge them, they did happen," Alex muttered, shrugging his shoulders. He shoved his hands into his pockets, ignoring the spasm of pain in his hand. "Right?"

Juliette wanted to shake Alex and tell him just how wrong he was. Alex would always belong in his own home. He would always belong to her. He would always belong to their son. No matter what had happened since he was gone, it didn’t change the face that he was still her husband and still the father to her child.

Juliette looked down, words not forming properly in her mind. She was too flabbergasted from the situation, she wasn’t able to put together the sentences that were whirling about her mind. Juliette looked up and peaked behind, sneaking a glance at their son. “Alex…” her voice cracked.

“How do you not belong here?” she questioned him. She finally braved up and looked him in the eyes, searching the depths of his for some type of answer. “Because I got help from someone else because you couldn’t be here?”

Juliette flicked her tongue across her bottom lip, willing herself to continue on without crying. “I know, better than anyone else, that you would have been here if you could have, Alex. I waited for you and waited for you… I prayed to God every single fucking day to either bring you back, give me the strength to keep raising our son, or just to fucking end it once and for all.”

It wasn't until Juliette mentioned just wanting to end it all that Alex realized just how badly he had fucked up. He knew, deep down, that he had had no choice in the matter but he couldn't bring himself to actually sort that out in his mind. He lashed out, his fist aiming for the first thing that it could come into contact with. A patio table that creaked under the force of his punch but little else.

"God damn it," Alex hissed through gritted teeth, exhaling slowly as he shook his head. He wanted so badly to offer Juliette comfort that she deserved but he seemed to simply be rooted to his spot. He was quiet for a long moment. As the seconds passed, his shoulders began to sag as he stared at his feet.

"What am I supposed to do, angel?" This time around, Alex's voice was weak, it shook as he wobbled on his feet. He reached out, bracing himself on the table he had just punched earlier. "I can't... I'm not the man my son has grown up with. What does he know John as? Does he even know I'm here?" Alex breathed slowly, looking up to Juliette finally. His eyes had welled with tears, bloodshot, but he still managed to keep from crying.

Just when Juliette thought that everything was going to be okay, her world was crashing down around her once more. She couldn’t believe that this was happening. She was feeling guilty for doing nothing at all—she hadn’t done anything wrong… So what on Earth did she feel like she had done something wrong? As she watched her husband, his lip quivering and all, she couldn’t help but allow the tears that had been welling in her eyes to finally fall.

“He knows John as John. He knows you—“ She paused to point to the framed picture from their wedding day on the wall, “He knows you as Daddy. John knew he wasn’t replacing anyone—he knew he wasn’t stepping in to replace you or to become AJ’s father, Alex. I was very clear about everything.”

Juliette moved to sit down in one of the dining room chairs, holding her head in her hands as she looked away from her husband. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” she whimpered. “It’s always been you, Alex. It will always be you.”

It would have been so easy for Alex to just give in and forget about what he had just learned but he couldn't bring himself to. He was sick to his stomach thinking that if he had never been found, that some other man would have raised his son and there wouldn't have been a damn thing that he would have been able to do about it.

Alex looked away from Juliette because he knew the moment that he saw her crying and upset, that his resolve would end at the moment. He wouldn't be able to at least try and stay strong, not if Juliette was crying because of him. He let out a small noise of frustration, giving a shrug of his shoulders. Alex hated it because at this moment, he had no clue what he was supposed to do. What was expected of him?

"I can't... I can't. I'm not the man that I used to be, angel. I can't provide what I used to be able to. I can't ask you to love me like I am because I'm so fucked up, Julie. So, so fucked up that it's not fair to you. To do that to you. It just isn't," Alex's voice grew even duller, void of emotion as he finished speaking. It was easier that way, if he distanced himself from his emotions, if he didn't have to think about the emotions buzzing around in his mind.