Straight Through the Heart

Negan wanted to reach out and grab her by her shoulder and pull her to him… However he knew that the action would only cause more problems for him… That and if he did it there would be no action for him that night; from her at least. He stopped in his tracks, watching her with his arms crossed. His mouth was pressed in a hard line as he watched her interact so freely with these other people. He couldn’t help the tinge of jealousy that began to course its way through his veins.

“Alright sweetheart,” he called out, clapping his hands in front of him. “Lets hit the fuckin’ road. You’ll see ‘em sooner or later.” He began to walk towards his vehicle, but stopped when he didn’t sense her presence behind him. He looked over his shoulder, “Luce! C’mon, let’s get a damn pep in our step and head the fuck out.” Negan grumbled to himself as he climbed in his truck, slamming the door as he got it.

Negan watched as she waltzed over towards him, anger bubbling up. Why couldn’t she just fucking listen? She needed to listen… He wanted to make her listen. He shook his head as he bit down on the inside of his lip. Pick and choose, James. Pick and fuckin’ choose. He thought silently to himself. He waited for her to get in the vehicle and shut her door before he cranked the engine. “Jesus, took you long enough. They ain’t goin’ anywhere, Lucy.”

Abraham was more than a little bit annoyed as he watched Negan walk toward the truck, his anger was more than evident to Lucille but she gave his shoulder a squeeze, trying to help her friend relax. They were the two most important men in her life, as far as she was concerned. Sure, Abraham wasn't her husband but he was her rock and she was his best friend. She knew his secrets, he knew hers. Maybe even more so than Rosita, who she said goodbye to next.

Lucille's shoulders fell as she trudged toward Negan's truck, glancing behind herself to give a final wave before she climbed inside. Her eyes narrowed at his words and she looked up, her mouth set in a thin line. "You don't fucking know that. As you've so kindly put, it's the fuckin' apocalypse. So they could die at any time, they just lost two of their runners. That makes every run even more dangerous than it already was."

She sighed as she settled into her seat, setting her chin on her closed fist. "They were there for me for the past two years. Quit being so fuckin' hostile toward them... I would likely be dead without them. In case you didn't think about that."

Negan rolled his eyes as he began to drive away. “Of course I know they have kept you safe. I’m not a fucking idiot, Lucille.” He said gruffly. Negan was trying his damndest to keep himself contained, but the act was proving more and more difficult. He sighed, counting to himself silently as he waited for the wave of emotion to pass.

“What is it going to take to get you to fuckin’ listen to me?” He sighed, his voice softer than it had been before. “I told you I wouldn’t let anything else happen. I’m not stupid enough to let them go off without having anyone watching them.”

When he felt his eyes on her he turned to look at her. When he saw the look on her face, he laughed. “God dammit,” he said. “Don’t look so damn surprised.” He turned his eyes back to the road in front of him, letting out another small laugh. “You gotta fuckin’ trust me, darlin’. You really, really do. You know that I am a man of my word—“ he turned to briefly look at her, “Don’t you? I said I wouldn’t do anything else. So I wont, unless they do something first.”

The further they drove down the road, the worse the sinking feeling grew in her stomach. The way Negan was talking, it wasn't the simple sweet talking he had tried to help satiate her earlier. She swallowed the lump that formed in the pit of her stomach as she looked out the window, letting out a dry laugh of her own.

"Right. I forgot, you want me to just bow down and listen to you by the sounds of it. Just become another one of your Saviours, is that it? Because what happens when we get back to the shitty fuckin' Sanctuary and I don't listen in front of one of them? Do you punish me?" Lucille asked, her eyes narrowing as she turned her head to look at him. She shook her head, turning back away from him. She swallowed the lump in her throat and shrugged as she looked away. "You'll do something if they piss you off because you're big, bad Negan. You're the leader of the Saviours and you can do what you want because there's no one to stop you."

"Don't fucking lie to me and tell me everything is going to be okay because you won't let them be," Lucille hissed through gritted teeth as she turned away from him. She balled her hands into fists and crossed her arms, glaring out the window.

"Do you hate me for going on a run? Do you, Negan?"

Negan shook his head, bring his free hand up to his temple. He let out a small laugh at her. “No, I don’t hate you for going on a fucking run, Lucy.”

Negan blinked his eyes a few times as the memory began to flood back to him. He had been waiting and waiting and waiting for her to return back to their dwelling. He had specifically told her not to go alone, and what the fuck did she do? She went. Negan knew just how independent and hard headed his wife was, so in hindsight, he really should have seen it coming. But the fact remains, she didn’t come home.

Then there were the endless weeks of searching for her. Looking everywhere that he knew she had to have been. Sometimes, when he thought he might have been getting close to closing in on someone who might have known where she had run off to, the trail went cold.

“I’m just a little pissed you never made your way back, Lucille.” He grumbled, an edge making its way into his voice. “We had a fucking plan, Lucy…” He sighed once more, his eyes flicking over to hers for a brief moment. “Can we not sit here and dwell on the damn past, Lucy?” He stated roughly. “I want to fucking continue to move forward not rehash shit that went down years ago.”

"A little pissed?" Lucille echoed Negan's reply, her voice cracking toward the end. She winced and looked away from him, glaring out of the window as she tried to bring herself back from the edge. She wanted so badly to be happy that Negan sat beside her but he was making it difficult.

"Do you think I did that on purpose?" Lucille continued, ignoring his plea. Tears welled in her eyes as she turned to face him, "because there hasn't been a day that I didn't regret it. I've wanted to fucking die because I let you down, okay?"

Lucille drew in a shaky breath as she set her head back against the headrest. "I thought about you every damned day of my life, papi. I thought about how much regret I felt because I mean... I was the reason we were apart. Every time I watched someone die, whatever happened, I'd be reminded of losing you. I was so sure you had to be dead." Lucille cut her words off because she could feel a sob rising in her throat.

Silence stretched between them and Lucille let her eyes slip shut. "But you still think I did it on purpose. That hurts more than anything else."

Negan gripped the steering wheel tighter, just wishing that she would just drop the subject. He had said he didn’t want to talk about it. So what did she do? She kept fucking talking about it. He focused on the road in front of him, grinding his teeth together. If this were anyone else sitting next to him, anyone, they would have been left to fend for them damn selves. But it wasn’t anyone. It was his Lucy. His wife. His teeth bit down on his bottom lip as she continued on.

Negan balled one of his fists, flexing and un flexing his hand. In a terrible low voice, trying his hardest to keep his composure and not stop the vehicle, he spoke. “Lucille I don’t fucking thing you did it on purpose.” He huffed. “How many fucking times do I have to repeat myself? I mean, Jesus Christ, you know I don’t like to repeat myself.” His eyes glanced in her direction briefly, “I just can’t believe you would be so stupid. We had a fucking plan that needed to be stuck to. We went over and over and over the fucking plan.” He shook his head, thoroughly done with rehashing the event. “I don’t want to fucking talk about it anymore. Okay?”

Lucille flinched a bit when Negan spoke. She let out a small noise not unlike a sob and shook her head as she crossed her arms. "Maybe you don't but you're damn sure acting like it," she muttered. She sighed as she twisted away from him. She drew in a shaky breath and closed her eyes, willing the tears away. She wanted Rosita here, she was sure that the other Latina would be able to talk her down from the edge. She didn't want to argue with Negan but he seemed to be so set in his ways, so ready to say she was stupid and what she had done was wrong. Lucille knew it, she didn't need him to tell her and the fact that he continued to just made the self-hatred blossom further. Not that she would dare tell him.

Her hand shot downward to stop Negan's hand as it settled on her thigh. She pushed it away and shook her head, her chest shuddering with the effort to keep herself together. "How long is it until we get to..." she trailed off with a sigh, unable to bring herself to say the name of Negan's community. Sanctuary as if Negan was some damn God.

Negan could tell that Lucille was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. He wished there was a way that he could get her just to trust him. He knew that it was going to take time—it always took time with her. No matter what it is… He thought back to the first date they had ever gone on. He asked and asked and asked until finally the fiery woman had gotten so damn fed up with him she finally agreed. Even then Negan didn’t stop until he had gotten what he wanted.

Negan sighed and leaned his elbow on the crevice of the drivers side window. He rested his head against his balled fist, rolling his eyes at his wife once more. “The Sanctuary?” he asked, knowing she wasn’t wanting that word to pass her lips. “About ten more minutes and we will be there. You can shower and if you’re hungry I’ll get you some food. I’m fuckin’ starving so I know that you have gotta be.”

Negan looked over at her, his eyes lingering for a moment. It made him so angry that she couldn’t even bring herself to meet his gaze. “Lucy, everything is going to be fuckin’ alright. I promise you I won’t let anything else hurt you.”

At the mention of food, Lucille perked up but then her mind was drifting to her friends and she could only think about how they would likely go hungry tonight. They had gone through so much, losing Aaron and essentially losing her that she could only feel guilty in regards to eating.

Lucille shrugged, beginning to pick at the edge of her tattered sweater. "I showered the day before yesterday, I'll be fine," she answered, her voice barely loud enough to be considered not a whisper. She wasn't fighting this time around, she was simply beyond exhausted. The concept that Negan would have enough water in his community to be able to shower whenever he pleased was so outlandish that she hadn't even thought it.

Shifting around in the seat, Lucille finally relented and brought her legs up to rest on the bench of the truck. "I'm not afraid of being hurt, I came to terms with the way the world was a long time again," she paused to drag in another breath. The weight of what she was going to say was far beyond palpable at this point. "I'm just afraid of being hurt by you because I can't do that. Not again."

“Stop it,” Negan insisted feverishly. “You can take a damn shower. I need to take one as well. Don’t think about puttin’ up a damn fight about it.”

Negan’s heart sank at the next words that flowed from her perfect mouth. How could she say that about him? Did she truly not realize that he was still the same person underneath it all? At the end of the day, he was just as caring as he was the day they were separated—he had just found different tactics and ways of expression it.

His grip tightened on the steering wheel once more. Negan genuinely had no clue what to say to the woman. He inhaled and exhaled a heavy sigh, her words laying on his mind like a ton of bricks. She was afraid of him hurting her? There were a million and damn one other things that she should be worried about.

“Shit, Lucy.” He said through gritted teeth. He tried to think of a way to put his thought lightly, a way that they wouldn’t come across so abrasive. He couldn’t stand the fact that she was continually misreading his intentions. “I’m not going to hurt you. Get that dumbass thought out of your head.”

Lucille laughed to herself, shaking her head but said nothing when Negan spoke up. There was no point in continuing to argue with the man, not when she knew how it would go. They would go back and forth until one of them blew up and then they'd be at each other's throats. They had been apart for long enough that she just didn't want to fight any more. She was tired and overwhelmed and ready to go to sleep the moment they reached that God forsaken place.

The tension seemed to grow between them as they neared the compound. Lucille let out a sigh as they slowed to a stop outside of a gate and moments later it was being pulled open to let them through. She straightened up, watching as people mulled about. They all seemed to be alarmed and subconsciously, she reached for the knife that was normally by her side. But it wasn't there.

She waited until Negan climbed from the vehicle before she even bothered to open the door. Lucille climbed out, her entire body screaming tension. She was ready for shit to hit the fan, ready for them to all turn on her and to tell her this was some sort of sick joke. Lucille looked up and began to follow Negan's lead, her eyes scanning everything around her as they walked.

Negan lead her through to the entrance, nodding at several people who had stopped to bow in order to acknowledge the man’s presence. He reached out and grabbed Lucy’s hand, bringing her close to his side. He didn’t need any of the town idiots to be gawking at the new female, even though they didn’t necessarily know this was his actual wife. There sure as shit would be high repercussions to be paid if he caught anyone glancing at the Latina for longer that what he deemed necessary. He led her to the cafeteria, looking for something the both of them could eat.

Negan had a couple of the women whip up a few sandwiches quickly for the pair of them. He took the plates, mumbling a small “thanks” as the women looked at him with wide eyes. It wasn’t very often that Negan was caught fetching his own food. He handed one of the plates to Lucy, offering her a small smile.

“We can either eat in here or head back to my room.” He said as he looked down at her. She still wasn’t meeting his gaze, which caused him to huff. “Lucy, baby, can you at least fucking look at me?”

Lucille's frown only deepened the further they walked through the hallways. Anyone who spotted Negan started to kneel without a question, bowing their heads in respect. The thought made her stomach twist and she damn near wanted to vomit just thinking about it. What did Negan do to spark such a reaction? With so many people... No. Lucille knew what he did. Drawing in a shaky breath, Lucille steeled herself against her thoughts. She was hopeful that she could keep herself together because in the back of her mind, she knew it was a terrible idea to lash out at Negan in front of his people.

Swallowing back the emotion, Lucille thanked Negan as she took the plate from him. She stared at the sandwich for a long time before Negan was speaking. She gave a huff of her own before looking up to Negan finally. "Can you explain to me why," she paused, inhaling slowly. "Why people fucking kneeled when we walked in like you're some sort of God?"

There. The question was out in the open no matter how horribly timed it was, it was there and now there was no avoiding it.

Negan shook his head and he looked at her. “Just follow me and I will explain all this shit to you, okay?” Negan sighed as he turned, leading her towards his dwelling. He pushed open the door to his room, ushering her in first. He motioned with his hand towards his bed and then towards the small sofa that sat in the room. “Take a seat.”

Negan chose to sit on the end of the bed. He shrugged his jacket off and pulled his red scarf away from his neck. He grabbed his plate and picked the sandwich up from it, taking a large bite. He sighed happily as he chewed his food. He waited for a moment before he decided to speak. “Look, Luce, it’s complicated. I’m the top fuckin’ dog around here and that,” he said, motioning with his head out towards the halls, “That’s just how they show their respect. It’s a sign of them still regarding me as the leader—which is sure as shit how it is supposed to be. I keep all these fucks from getting killed and being walker bait, why wouldn’t they respect me like that?”

Lucille wasted no time in kicking her shoes off before she curled up on the sofa. It wasn't very often that she had the chance to take her shoes off and relax. It was such a simple action but it was just too much of a worry. What if walkers breached the walls and they needed to leap into action to defend themselves? She didn't want to admit it to herself but at least this place seemed safe... safer than Alexandria by all accounts.

Diving into the sandwich because she suddenly realized she was hungry. Lucille grumbled to herself, doing her best to ignore Negan but then he was speaking and it was her husband and she couldn't ignore him. She would never be able to.

"They can respect you without being forced to bow down to you..." Lucille trailed off, letting out a sigh. "What happens if someone doesn't bow down to you? They get punished because they wouldn't kneel at your feet?"

Negan had finished his food long before his wife had, and he sat there. Sat there and appreciated the way she looked. Sat there and appreciated her presence. Sat there and appreciated how she was warming up his soul in the slightest bit. He had hoped they were done and over with the scrutinizing of the way that he had chosen to run things around his facility. “God Dammit, Lucille. Please. For the love of Jesus fuckin’ Christ.”

He sighed as he got to his feet. He took his plate over to his desk and set it down. He tilted his head back and forth, trying to unstiffen the joints. He set his hands on his hips and he watched her stare at him. “Lucy, can we please get off the subject? Just for five goddamn minutes? I just got you back and you are makin’ a fucking wedge in between us so bad right now, sweetheart.”

Negan sighed once more, reaching up to run a hand though his hair. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled lowly. It had taken a lot for him to muster those words, and he was hoping she hadn’t noticed.

Lucille had turned away from Negan, intent on completely ignoring her husband now because it seemed like they were just going around and around in dead end circles. She finished most of her sandwich before settle the plate on the ground at her feet because her appetite wasn't that big to begin with and now it was just completely gone.

It wasn't until those two words fell from Negan's lips that she looked up. Her brows knit together as she watched him, wordless for what seemed like forever as silence stretched between them. Many things had changed between them, sure, but Lucille knew damn well that Negan and apologies did not go hand in hand. The fact that her husband stood in front of her, apologizing, it spoke more volume than Negan had probably been prepared for.

"Take off your shirt," Lucille mumbled forward. She heaved out a sigh before moving to her feet. She neared the bed and offered a nervous sort of grin. "Lay down on your stomach," she instructed further. When Negan gave her a funny look, Lucille huffed as she motioned toward the bed. "Come on! What the hell do you think I'm going to do? Strangle you?"

Negan’s eyes darkened for a moment when she spoke to him that way. There was only one woman who was ever, ever allowed to speak him that way—and that woman was standing right in front of him. These day’s Negan wasn’t as intimate with woman as he generally just fucked them and left. But the thought of his wife’s hands on him had his head spinning in a way he hadn’t felt in a while. He mouth formed a small ‘o’ as he realized she was offering to give him a massage. He flashed her a smile before peeling his shirt off. He kicked his boots off before he crawled onto the bed.

Negan raised an eyebrow. “You’re not gonna strangle me like you did that time in Vegas are you? Cuz you have done it before.” he laughed, his voice muffled by the sheets beneath him. He closed his eyes, relaxing into the bed. He smiled to himself as he felt the bed dip down as she crawled on the bed to join him. “Because if I recall the pair of us really like what happened after that.” Negan began to allow his thoughts to drift in different directions, mainly to the thought of having his wife sleeping in his bed

Lucille sighed as she watched her husband lay down on the bed. She climbed onto it so that she was straddling his hips, just below his lower back. She couldn't help but laugh at the words that fell from Negan's lips. She hesitated for a moment before leaning down to press kisses all along his shoulders. Lucille let out a barely audible whimper as her lips connected with his skin because if there was anything that could show her this was real, it was that. "A massage. That's all you're getting," she teased quietly as she sat back up.

She began to knead the knots from the muscles in Negan's shoulders and neck, focusing on them before she slowly moved down his back. "I never thought I would get to see you again," she whispered, her touch lightening before she flopped onto the bed beside Negan. Lucille pressed herself against his side, dragging her nails lazily over the skin of his back. "Didn't know luck still existed out there."