Straight Through the Heart

The irritation that was making its way through Negan’s body was an unwelcomed feeling. Especially after the night he had had with his wife. They had finally reconnected. He was able to get a few hours of sleep without having the dreams of what once was. He was able to hold his wife close to him, bring in her scent and allow it to let him drift off and escape reality.

“It’s not fuckin like that, Lucy.” He grumbled angrily. He stood up and made his way off the bed, deciding that the best thing to do was to go back to getting ready to go to his meetings. “I told you shit had changed.”

Negan really didn’t feel like being questioned and it was really starting to get on his nerves. “I don’t need you trying to rip me a new one this morning, Lucille. I don’t need to explain myself to you, okay? It’s just the way that shit is. It’s the way that shit works. It the way that they respect me.”

Negan could see in her eyes that she was questioning her worth to him. She wasn’t like the others and the sooner she realized that the better of she would be. “We can talk about this later. Like I said, I have shit to do today.”

Lucille's eyes narrowed as Negan began to ramble, his words only serving to spark her anger more than it already had been. She sneered, pushing herself off of the bed. Without a word, Lucille stalked around to the other side of the bed so that she could tug her clothes back on. They were still caked with mud and dirty but at this point, she didn't really care. Not with the way that Negan was talking to her.

"Right. You don't need to explain yourself, I forgot. You're Negan, you're in charge. Everyone else bows down to you," Lucille snapped as she tightened the belt around her waist. Struggling for a moment to tighten the bra, Lucille huffed when she finally pulled her tank top back over her shoulders. "Having wives somehow makes everyone respect you. Because kneeling isn't good enough to feed your fucking ego!"

Lucille shook her head slowly, shoving her feet back into her boots. She knelt down to pull them all the way on, stalking toward the door the woman had appeared through. "Just when I thought maybe things could change, James Negan strikes again. Proves me wrong," she muttered through gritted teeth. Her hand hovered over the doorknob before she glanced over her shoulder, her eyes landing on him.

"I'm going to grab something to eat then I'm going to decide just where I'm going to be because this isn't what I bargained for."

The anger that flared up in Negan’s chest was almost unbearable. He stalked over to the door, positing himself in between it and his wife. He looked down at her, his eyes cold and hard. “You. Aren’t. Going. Anywhere.”

Negan had a wild look in his eye, one that only surfaced when he was beyond pissed. “You think I wanted everything this way Lucille?” he spat. “You think that this shit is something I just dreamed the fuck up? You really, really think I am that fuckin’ smart to be able to do that?”

Negan shook his head, scoffing at the Latina who was standing in front of him. “You are a damn fool if you think that is what happened. THIS works. This keeps people from being goddamn zombie bait. This fuckin’ keeps people surviving. This keeps people going on and pushin’ their weak asses through until the happy fucking sun rises again in the morning. Don’t you get that? Or are you so hell bent on revenge and fucking being on top again that you can’t see that.”

“I love you, Lucy.” He admitted. “But I will be damned if you treat me that way. I wanted nothing more than to get you back and I fucking did. If you go—Lucille—if you go, expect to be treated just like them.”

Lucille stopped dead in her tracks when Negan placed himself between him and the door. A fear that she hadn't been prepared for settled in her stomach and she found herself taking a small step backward, away from Negan. The look that he was wearing unnerved her, it wasn't something she had ever seen from him. Not even when they would end their night screaming at each other over something stupid.

The anger disappeared from her features, replaced with a mix of shock and she would never admit it, but fear. This wasn't her Negan, this was the Negan that ran the Sanctuary and owned everyone inside. She let out a dry laugh and looked away from him, shaking her head slowly. "Your fucking way isn't the only way," she muttered. Lucille turned her gaze to him, swallowing against the dryness in her mouth.

"Treated like everyone else?" Lucille echoed, tilting her head backward as she tilted her head so she could make direct eye contact with him. "I can't step outside of this room without your express permission? Am I just another tool to you?" Lucille ranted, her hands balling into fists at her sides.

"You cannot honestly ask me to just fucking deal with this like it doesn't matter. I'm not going to sit here and pretend it doesn't bother me knowing you'll be going off to fuck some other girl. I don't wear a ring on my finger just for shits and giggles, you fucking idiot."

Negan leaned against the door, a loud laugh escaping from his lips. This isn’t just one of the wives, it’s your wife. He repeated that in his head several times, a feeble attempt to try and calm himself down. The way she was looking at him, speaking to him, and challenging him was something that hadn’t been done in a very long time. He tilted his head back, causing a small thud to sound against the door. He pushed himself off the door, maneuvering around her. He grabbed his jacked at pulled it over his shoulders. “Just know whatever decision you make is on you, princesa.”

“Like I said,” He repeated. “I got some shit to do today. If you are here when I get back—which I hope you are—then great. If you aren’t, well then I will know what side of the fence you lay on.”

Negan had a brief sinking thought, maybe he should diminish the harem. But that would put a crack in the hierarchy that he had worked so very hard to create. His eyebrows pinched together as he looked at her, “I just suggest that you choose wisely Lucille. Just remember that.”

Lucille didn't move from her spot facing the door even as Negan moved away from her. She let out a sigh, biting down on her lip as she looked away. She drew in a shaky breath as she listened to him speak. How. She couldn't understand how Negan was acting like this didn't change things - like she was just another follower of his. Like she wasn't the woman that he had once pledged his life to.

Huffing, Lucille stepped forward to take Negan's previous position blocking the door. She crossed her arms as she spun around, her gaze landing on Negan all too quickly. Almost enough that she was afraid - she wanted to look away. But she couldn't. She wasn't about to lay down and let Negan walk all over her.

"You don't get to just fucking leave, Negan!" Lucille exclaimed, shaking her head as she glared at him. She fixed him with a glare as she straightened up, tilting her head to the side. "I don't give a shit what you have to do. We're going to figure something out. You don't get to run away, that's not how this works. How any of this works."

Negan had to force his eyes to stop from rolling to the back of his head. Of course, it didn’t change anything. The only thing that had changed was his wife was back in his bed at night—rightfully so, he thought. Just because he had other wives didn’t mean that Lucille had been replaced. Negan’s vision was clouded with irritation and disbelief. They hadn’t even been back with one another for six hours and here she was already trying to scold him for the way he was running things.

“Lucille, you were gone when this shit started happening.” He scoffed as he eyed her. “You weren’t replaced. No one sleeps in my bed at night. They don’t get special privileges like you…”

Negan’s words trailed off as he saw his wife continuing to stare daggers into him. He clamped his mouth shut, his eyes narrowing right back at her to meet her expression. “And I’m not fuckin’ running away. I told you I had shit that I needed to do today, didn’t I? Cuz I am pretty fuckin’ sure I did.”

Negan reached over and grabbed his bat, shaking his head at his wife. “I’m not doing this with you right now.”

"Did I say I was here? No, I fucking didn't!" Lucille snapped, her anger only flaring again. She didn't want to stand here and fight with Negan, that was the very last thing she wanted to do but the way he was looking at her? The way he was talking to her? There was no way in Hell that she was going to let him talk to her like that. Negan was a damn fool if he had expected anything else.

"Special privilages? Like what, exactly? Enlighten me, please. Because I'm struggling to figure out what the hell could be so special about knowing you're just going to fuck some other girl if you see fit because she's another wife!" The more that Lucille thought about it, the angrier she got. But then a thought sparked in ehr mind and she couldn't help but smirk before she stepped toward him.

A wicked grin settled onto her features as she watched Negan move toward his bat. "So if you get a harem, I do, too. Right? I can just go pick out any guy in the compound, dub him a husband so I can fuck him whenever I want? Because, I mean, it's only fair, isn't it?"

“Could you maybe just fuckin’ maybe drop this shit for the minute, Lucille?” He barked. How was she going to stand there and ridicule him over something that had began when he though she was dead. She had no control over telling him what he could and couldn’t do. That just wasn’t the way that shit was going to work anymore. A headache began to throb at his temples. Negan could hear his blood pulsing in his head. He knew that he needed to hurry up and get the hell away from her before the ugly came out in him.

As soon as she spoke those words, all Negan saw was red. “No!” he shouted. “No, you fuckin don’t get to do that Lucille. Are you a fuckin’ idiot? Are you being crazy? Cuz that’s all I fuckin’ hear.”

Negan gave her a low, irritated chuckle. “If that’s the kind of shit you want to do, you need to find your own fuckin’ way back to Alexandria. I won’t be having that shit here, Luce. No fuckin’ way. You don’t get to come in here and tell me what I can and can’t fuckin’ do. I cant change shit overnight Lucille. I mean fuck, you of all people should know this.”

Lucille stared at Negan as he spoke, the will to fight leaving her. Her shoulders sagged as she stepped away from the door, pulling it open as she did so. She closed her eyes, swallowing back the sob that wanted so badly to be let out. She wanted to break but there was no breaking, not right now. Not in front of this Negan, the Negan she didn't know any more.

"Go. You go to whatever fucking thing that is more important," Lucille hissed through gritted teeth because it was the only way she could think to keep herself together. Her hands balled at her sides, nails digging into the palm of her hand. She motioned with one hand, a shudder running down her spine but it was all she could let happen.

Turning back to Negan, Lucille gave a smile that she didn't feel. Tears had welled in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. "But don't be surprised if I'm not here when you get back." Lucille turned away, unable to keep herself facing him any longer. Her heart sank as she took a step back until she hit the wall, slowly sinking down it until she was sitting on the floor.

Negan’s eyes narrowed at her one final time before he left. Would she really leave? Could she really leave?

Negan made sure that he let his men know what was going on, and that if she wanted to leave she would be allowed. He hoped deep down that she would give all of this a chance. He wanted her to be open minded. How many times had he told her that? How many times had he asked her to keep an open mind? He sighed as he made his way down the halls towards his office.

When he got there, his other men were already sat around the table. They went over their plans of how they were going to pay Alexandria an early visit. He wasn’t very attentive during the meeting—he was more blunt, snappy, and brutal during it. He had other things on his mind.

Lucille reached over, gripping the edge of the door the moment that Negan passed through it. She slammed the door shut as hard as she could manage from sitting beside it. It was almost as if when the door clicked that, that her barriers came crashing down along with it.

Her bottom lip began to tremble as her eyes clamped shut, the will to keep herself together dropping beneath her. A sob bubbled up inside of her chest and the sound of it hitting her ears made her tears fall. She slouched against the wall, eventually coming to a rest against the floor. The sobs began to rack her body, her entire body shivering and shaking as she fought to regain control. Her breaths came in short, rapid succession as she clamped her eyes shut, her nails digging into the palms of her hands.

Rosita. Lucille longed for her best friend but she had no way of knowing how far away Rosita was, she had no idea where any of her former family was and she knew damn well that she couldn't talk to them even if they were just down the street. They wouldn't take kindly to what had just happened and she knew that if they knew, it would only create more tension that none of them could afford.

Eventually dragging herself over to the bed, Lucille pulled her pants off as to not get the blankets any dirtier with the mud on them. She pulled the blanket up to her shoulders, eventually crying herself to sleep, her face buried into the pillow beneath her head.

Negan couldn’t keep the sinking feeling that kept crawling into his stomach as he lingered in his office after the men had left. If he went back to his room and Lucille was gone the man was not going to be able to contain himself. On the other hand, if she was still there and in the same piss poor mood that she had been in before he left, he wasn’t going to be able to contain himself then either.

Deciding that he had had enough of his own self-loathing, Negan reluctantly pulled himself out of his chair. He made his way back too to his room as slowly as he could, pacing himself so that he would drag out the walk. He stopped and spoke with a few select people. Finally, he had arrived at his bedroom. He paused outside of the door for a brief moment, debating on whether or not he should knock. Why should he?

Negan sighed as he pushed the door open. His eyes landed on her form, balled up underneath his sheets and the blanket. For a moment, he wanted to crawl under those blankets with her and pull her to his chest… But no, he couldn’t do that.

Negan set the bat down by his dresser, clearing his throat. “I’m back… See you decided to stay for now?”

The sleep that she fell into was deep and something that she needed rather bad. When she eventually woke, Lucille was confused for the briefest of moments when she didn't feel a body beside her. Even with less than a day, Lucille was subconsciously expecting for Negan to be there. Lucille had dreamed about it for so long and even though she knew it was reality, Lucille had to look around the room and acknowledge that this wasn't a room she was used to sleeping in. It was no room in Alexandria.

The door began to creak open and hurriedly, Lucille closed her eyes with every intention of pretending that she was still asleep. She tensed at the sound of the bat hitting the ground, only for her eyes to crack open as Negan began to speak.

"Where else would I go?" Lucille asked, surprised by how void of emotion her voice was. She hadn't expected to be quite so numb when Negan came back but looking over to him and even just spotting his leather jacket, it sent her heart pounding and sh wasn't ready to admit that to Negan again. She couldn't just beg him to wrap his arms around her and keep her tucked away, safe from all the world's dangers.

"I have no idea where we even are."

The clutching Negan felt in his chest was rather unconformable and unwelcome to say the least. Why was she able to waltz back into his life and spring these emotions on him? He didn’t understand it and he didn’t like it. Negan looked at her for a long moment, his head tilted to the side. He really didn’t want to argue with her but he knew whatever came out of his moth was bound to spark the flame in her. Negan seemed to be having that effect on her since they were in each others company once more.

“Well, I don’t know.” He stated as he moved across the room. He was trying to pretend like he was busy so she wouldn’t question him about anything. “When I left you didn’t seem like ya really wanted to stay.”

Negan finally turned and looked at her, his eyebrow raised—partially in annoyance and partially just to accentuate his words. “Figured you woulda packed a bag and found your way home. I mean, shit, you found an entire new group while you were gone. Surely your smart ass would be able to find your way back to Alexandria.”

It wasn't until the last comment that fell from Negan's lips that Lucille threw the covers off of her body. She shoved herself into a sitting position, her eyes narrowed as she glared at the man. "No fucking shit. I found a group and I survived because you won't make it that long in this world on your own. You of all people should fucking know that!"

Lucille's shoulders sagged as she looked down to her lap, shaking her head slowly. It was as if Negan didn't care at all that she was upset- that he just cared about being right and that bothered her to no end. "But if you want me to go so I don't cause any more problems for you, then fucking tell me. Tell me and I'll go and we can carry on with our lives like this never happened. I'll live like you're dead and you can carry on like I'm dead. How's that sound?"

Twisting the ring around her finger, Lucille exhaled slowly as she began to pull it off her finger. "You want me to just bow down and pretend I worship you and the funny thing is that I do. I worship you but that's not good enough. You expect me to listen and shut up and you should know me well enough to know that's a stupid fucking hope. That was what was so great about us though. We challenged each other and now that we're finally together again, you are afraid for even a tiny bit of challenge!"

Negan watched her as she spoke, standing rigidly in the corner. Of course, he didn’t expect her to bow down to him—Negan could never expect that of his wife… But he didn’t know how to change his demeanor towards her—he had been this way for the better part of the last few years. It was going to be an uphill battle loosening the reigns of control when it came to his wife. Negan wasn’t quite sure how to go about that, and he surely wasn’t about to open his mouth and admit that to Lucille. That would be a sign of defeat and weakness, wouldn’t it?

Negan crossed his arms as he continued to look at her, “Of fucking course I don’t want you to leave, Luce. I just got you back. If I didn’t want you here in the first place you know damn well your ass wouldn’t be in my bed right now.”

Negan let out a rough sigh and ran a hand through his hair, looking away from her. He knew that the more she saw his eyes the more she would be able to read him. He looked at his feet, his mind trying to formulate the right words to say to her. “I don’t know what you want from me Lucille. It’s been twelve fucking hours and I’m trying… I really am. What more do you want?”

"I want to feel like you're actually fucking trying, James. Because you keep saying you are but you threatened me, you told me I had to stay here or I had to leave. You fully expect me to just embrace your fucking harem!" Lucille's voice had grown more amplified as she continued to speak. She threw her arms wide as she threw her legs over the side of the bed.

Lucille let out a dry laugh as she looked up to him, her gaze hardening as her eyes narrowed. "I don't know what you want from me. You keep saying you're trying but you're treating me like I'm someone beneath you. Like I should just bow down to you. Haven't you ever heard that actions speak louder than words, papi?" She tilted her head to the side as she looked up to him. "Because right now, all you're saying is that I should shut up and comply."

Huffing, Lucille looked away from Negan and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. What do you want from me?"

Negan let out another loud, ragged groan. He was growing tired of this bickering back and forth already. It had been a long time since he had someone who wasn’t afraid to challenge him the way that Lucille challenged him. But that is something that they had bonded over, one of the very things he loved most about her. She was strong, independent, and driven. He didn’t want to be this way with her, he truly didn’t. But he had conditioned himself to be hard, to build up walls, and to tear others down.

He sighed a deep sigh before he looked over at her once more. “You know you aren’t beneath me. You’re my whole entire world, Lucy. I don’t expect you to just jump right fuckin in head first… But I need some damn leeway. I need you to try, for me, please. Because I am trying. I know you don’t see it, but goddamit, I am. And that takes a whole hell of a lot out of me these days.”

"You can't," Lucille started, biting down on the inside of her lip. She closed her eyes, fiddling with the ring that was still around her finger. She wanted so badly to reach out and bring Negan close, to hold him and love him and feel like nothing could ever harm her. When she had met Negan all those years ago, Lucille had felt like she was home. There had been no way to explain it, just that she knew Negan was it. There was no one else in the world for her.

"You can't ask me to be okay with you going off to sleep with another woman, let alone multiple ones!" Lucille exclaimed, falling backward against the bed. She sighed, laying her arms out and staring at the ceiling above her head. "I can handle everything else, I can, James. I can handle the stupid rules and everything else because it's so damn stupid that I can't care. But I..." she trailed off, pressing her hands against her cheeks to hide the tears that began to fall. No. She wasn't about to let Negan see her upset. Not right now.