Breaking the Cycle

"I can leave you alone." I offered to her as I smiled at her. "I mean I don't want to bother you." I told her as I took and mentally kicked myself.

---

I laughed, "Fine. You win." I tell him. "But I swear if Ricky farts like he normally does. I will kill him in his sleep." I warned laughing.

(I'm back!!!)


I frowned slightly, thinking that maybe I'd been pushing him away already. "I kind of like it when you're around," I admitted sheepishly, "So far." Ricky made me feel...interesting. I couldn't help but wonder how much that would change when - if - he ever found out about the coke.



"Okay, so we'll find a new guitarist," I laughed. "It'll be fun. You can see L.A., watch us record, whatever."

(YAY!)

A blush creeped across my face, slowly turning my porcelain skin a rosy color, and I hoped more than anything he didn't notice. "I said kind of, Olson. Don't let it get to your head too much," I teased him, trying to gauge his personality.



"I was hoping you'd say that," I got out before Chris walked over and interrupted us.

"So why's your face so red, Renee," he asked, a smirk formed on his lips as he held an open beer in his hand, "You guys making wedding plans yet?"

"I thought it was you and me forever, Chris," I reached up, grabbing his hand to hold it. He interlaced his fingers with mine, and I pursed my lips as I sat there with him holding my hand.

"When can I announce it to the family?" he joked.

If I had to be honest, I was scared to let him know me. How many times in the next month would I be drugged up and pathetic. I was suddenly very self conscious, but yet again I proved to be a bad idea fairy. "I'd like that," I smiled at him, purposely ignoring the fact that he noticed how red my face had gotten.



I laughed as Renee walked over to Devin, and looked at the time. I could hear the band playing before us start their set, one we'd heard many times throughout the tour. We'd need to start getting ready to go out in an hour and a half. I was looking forward to closing out the tour and going to our temporary houses, and sleep in a real bed.

"Good." I smiled at her. I could see in her eyes. Something was going on, but I wasn't a hundred percent sure. I gave her a smile and sipped my beer as I took and leaned back into the couch. "So tell me a little about you?" I asked her smiling.



Renee

"Be honest with him. I mean what could hurt?" Devin looked at me serisouly.

"A lot, Sola. A lot." I tell him.

"Hey Ry. So you need to know something." Devin yelled towards Ryan.

I put my hand over his mouth giving him my warning look. He grins into my hand as I look at Ryan smirking. "He's being stupid like normal." I say as Devin licks my hand. "Sola, gross!" I snap out at him.

He picks me up and gently sits me down. "Tell him or I will, chica." Devin warns walking off.

I laugh lightly and sigh walking to Ryan. I rub the back of my neck. "I know you're tired, and everything. Before he spills the beans. I do need to tell you something, Ryan." I tell him sighing. "I like you. I have since we were younger." I admit to Ryan.

"There's not much to tell," I answered honestly, "I've lived here my whole life, and I like to just kind of go with the flow." I could feel the sweat begin to pool up on my back, and felt my hands get clammy. My mind went back to the baggy in my purse, but I'd been having fun talking to Ricky. Then I was conflicted. I knew that I needed to try to get clean...again. At the same time, Ricky had wanted to hang out and only had a month here. It would take me much longer than a month to get clean and he'd see every horrible thing about the human body crying for drugs. It was a lose-lose situation for me.

Maybe I'd been reading too much into it.



I was taken back by Renee's words; I hadn't expected that at all. Suddenly, I felt like I was back in middle school. The feeling of my heart beating out of my chest for a girl was unfamiliar to me, especially when that girl had been the opposite of unfamiliar. At this point, I wasn't too sure about what to say.

I like you, too. For some reason, that seemed way too childish for me, but I didn't have time to sit here and think when her eyes were still on mine. I had a lot of feelings for her, but I didn't know how to express them.

"Can we talk about this later, in private?" I asked. I hoped it wouldn't come off as dismissive, but she deserved the true Ryan, not the 'all these fucktards I call my friends are around me' Ryan.

"The real fun starts when you're older," I smirked, "Being a kid here can be boring, and my parents didn't let me have nearly as much fun as you seemed to have."



I smiled at Renee after she patted me on the arm, making me want to kick myself.

"We're on in ten," Angelo walked into the room, "Looks like a full house too."

"If it's anything close to what I saw earlier, I'm sure I will," I couldn't tell if I'd been flirting with him or not. "Knock 'em dead, champ."



I started walking towards side stage with some of the guys, grabbing my guitar in the process. The stagehands were changing the backdrops on the stage while the curtain was still down. Our set-up was really theatrical, with smoke machines, and goblin statues everywhere.

"People are going to be so confused when they see you," Devin joked, stretching out his hand.

"Mostly because I make a better you than you do," I joked back.

I watched Ricky go to the stage with the rest of the band, and some other people hanging around. I decided to follow so I could watch. Not being able to find Leanne, I stood around awkwardly by myself until the girl next to me introduced herself.

"Ash," I smiled back at her, "You're the makeup artist right? Stellar job."



I strummed my guitar playfully while we were behind the curtain, hearing the crowd on the other side begin to roar. The rest of the band followed suit, and I looked over at Renee, winking at her.

"Los Angeles," Chris said into the mic as the curtain slowly started to raise. The smoke machine increased, and I heard Ang beating on his bass behind us, "Get fucking ready," he screamed. I started playing the opening riff to Devil's Night, finally seeing the crowd go crazy. It was a full house tonight, and everybody was jumping around.

Ricky

Smirking at the crowd jumping around, Chris's voice echoing into the stadium. I took and kept strumming my guitar parts as I began to move around the stage like normal. Getting into spirits of things, I let myself go as we finished Devil's Night and went straight into, America.

---

Renee

"Thanks." I smile at Ash. I watch them as I grin at Ryan when he winks. Dancing along to the music and singing, I could see how active the crowd was. It was amazing for their final stop for this tour.

I watched as Ricky moved around, wishing I had known the songs. Truthfully, I'd never heard of their band before, but I definitely liked their music. It sounded angry, almost hateful, even. It sounded like everything I felt, so I couldn't help but move to the beat.

I looked out into the crowd to see fan girls hopelessly reaching up to towards the stage, and behind them a little bit, a mosh pit had began. It reminded me of when I was younger and clean, going to shows and losing myself in the crowd. Those days had long escaped me.



I could feel sweat pooling on my face, and I couldn't help but wonder how Devin constantly wore this much makeup. It wasn't budging, though.

"We're gonna go back a little bit," Chris said after we finished up America, "and play one of the songs that started it all for us. Jump around and get your fucking hands up if you know it." We opened Ghost in the Mirror, a song we rarely ever played anymore just because our music had grown so much since then.

Ricky

Strumming my guitar I could feel the sweat beating down my face. I saw Ryan feeling the same as I noticed Ash dancing a little. A grin formed into my lips, she was everything I was looking for in a woman. I wanted to get to know her more, and some.

---

Renee
I smiled listing to the song as I took and swayed to it. Remembering the late nights the guys would stay up and work on songs. Trying to make it big, now here they were. Smiling I took and enjoyed it loving to hear some of their older music.

I wished I was high right now. Still, I was able to enjoy this moment. I wanted to enjoy more moments without thinking about the coke. I knew what I needed to do.

I left side stage, and went looking for Leanne. She was probably back in her office. Luckily, that's exactly where I found her. I took the small baggy out of my purse, and threw it onto her desk. She jumped up as if I had startled her, then looked at me questioningly. She knew what was in the bag.

"I need to get clean," I told her, "I know it's like the millionth billionth time, but I just lost my job again and I feel like things are about to get bad."



I had to keep myself focused on the song and playing, I knew if I kept looking at Renee, I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of her. Not when she moved like that. I looked at Devin, who was giving me an un-amused look. I stuck my tongue out at him, and continued playing, jumping up and down in unison with the breakdown.

(Sorry for the late reply)

Ricky

I looked at Ryan and Devin grinning. Hell everyone knew that Ryan had a thing for Renee. I knew when this show was over. I was going to encourage him. To do something for him once.

---

Renee

Watching Ryan jump up and down. I smiled watching him. God he was amazing, and gorgeous. Biting on my lip, I took and let a faint sigh when another artist came to get me to go do something. Going with her I looked back wanting to watch the remainder of the show but couldn't.

Leanne just looked at me, probably not sure what to say. The ironic part was she's heard this all before, so figuratively speaking, she should have her answer basically memorized.

"Come live with me," she insisted, her words taking me by surprise. This was the first time she'd offered this. "We'll see how it goes for a little bit and if you're serious, I'll take you back to rehab. Then you're going to a sober living house." I couldn't argue with her. If I wanted her help, I'd have to do it her way."

"What about James?" I didn't imagine her husband would be thrilled with a junkie living there.

"He's going to Europe for a couple of months," she waved it off. "You have to want this." I thought about all of the things in my life I was missing out on, and nodded my head.

"I do."



"You guys have been awesome tonight," Chris said, making the crowd go wild. He was amping them up for our final song - I couldn't believe this whole tour was about to come to a close. "We love L.A. In fact, we love it so much we'll be here for another month recording our next album." The crowd went wild again, as this is the first time we've publicly talked about the new album. "This song is off that album. We're not going to tell you the name yet. Are you ready?!"

After the crowd quieted down just a little bit, we started playing Break the Cycle. I looked over for Renee, seeing that she was gone.