February 15th, 2008 at 05:13pm
Brilliant. Utter egotistic sublime.
I don't often plump for rhyming poems - not my style, y'see - but this one was very different.
After reading your previous, I can see that you have your own unique style. It works well with you, don't ever leave that behind. Your style could also work well as lyrics or even if you had a go at sonnets!
[i]That clear blue sky I used to see slowly fades to grey;
And quite suddenly, everything around me gets duller with each day.
I only see in black and white, and I start to want it that way
There's no more colour there to save me each and every day.[/i] I love love love love these lines. I love how you show that the 'colour' is draining and the narrator's happiness is draining. Brilliant bits and pieces.
One thing:
[i]And the only colour I can see are the blood red slashes on my arm.[/i]
I really dislike this. It teeters into the cliché here. Maybe that's just me. I would change it. I prefer the black and white idea. Perhaps make the 'red' [i]grey[/i] would help...maybe like this:
[i][u]Even the blood blooms grey as it trickles out my arm[/u][/i]
Meh. Just a thought.
Anyway, it's very good and kepp it up.
This is a slightly odd thing to say, but I really like the title. The poem itself goes from a 'white' state of mind to 'black' one, so the way 'round the words go makes a lot of sense. In my mind, I see the first two stanzas as white, the next two as grey and the last four as black. But that could just be me being weird. >_<
The style is simple and tells a story. It's not totally abstract and full of trying to decipher 'clever' (or downright odd) metaphors, but simple language flowing together to tell a sad story. I love the way your poems leave a lasting impression on my mind.