I really think the emotion is there but i think your representation is a little stiff, I'd love if you could do another one on the same topic of just what you feel; i think that would just be incredibly real and raw. Not saying i dislike this one, i like it i really do i just think it would be incredibly powerful without structure. please dont be offended it's really the last thing i mean to do!
liek it a lot
its goodd