January 6th, 2013 at 08:11am
Very nice. The ending is really beautifully written. You have some little errors and parts that have holes in them, though.
Here are a few spots:
"I felt the years flying pass me." It should be 'past'.
When Chris says, "Careful, Ya' f*cker!" it's not obvious to the reader as to why. He is described as being impatient and having a hot temper, but you say "Chris was patiently waiting in the car." For him to suddenly explode like that was unbelievable to me as a reader, and contradicts how you described him as patient.
When you describe the main character putting the bags in the car, the words "bag" and "sweat" are repeated when a more diverse selection could be used. Also, why would sweat be forming in heaps just by picking up a few bags of an ex girlfriend's stuff? You described what was in them, so we know it couldn't be that much- you even said that there were two bags, so...
The stanza where he removes the items from his closet has one little mistake: The last four lines are talking about people, which is plural, but you end it with "life", which is singular. Just a little, easy thing to fix. "For the rest of their lives."
Well, other than those really minor things, this is a really great poem. I NEVER read through long poems, but you were able to write it in a way that held my attention.
thank you. i'll be sure to make corrections as soon as possible and keep these things in mind. often times, in the heat of the moment, i overlook the tiniest errors and, since i normally don't re-read my work and have an attachment to them, i post them immediately to wherever i wanted to put it.
but thank you. i'm glad you enjoyed it.
alright,
seth w.