June 7th, 2013 at 01:29am
I really like your view that hell will be a place to redeem and rebuild yourself (or at least, that's what the last two stanzas implied to me), to wash away the evil in your heart. Normally people just think that it's a place where you'll be damned to eternal suffering but your poem implied that even if your doomed to hell, there would be a sense of change found in the sinner, which is I think is great.
There were a couple lines where you had a mouthful that kind of messed up the flow:
Shackles appeared connected to a strange device,
and
Changing my blood from tainted to clarity!
Just one or two less syllables and it would have been fine but with so many words, it kind of jerked the cadence to a halt and rubbed me the wrong way. Like, for the first, I would suggest removing the word "appeared" and the line would still be fine.
Other than those two little hang-ups, I really loved this. It was such an eery, dark picture but didn't have such a depressing mood that I was left with an empty, grim feeling like some dark poems like leave me with, which I enjoyed. Good job!
But so awesome and really realistic? Hell is definitely a scary place to imagine and Death is even scarier. Good job!
Thanks