Aim For The Heart My Bloody Valentine - Comments

BodySnatcher:

Aprilette:

BodySnatcher:

MARC TO THE RESCUE. even though he does freak me out a bit. :)
stupid Ant. he should listen to Marc. :)
anyhoo, great update. i'd add more of my love for this, but im piss tired, so i cant.
i showed my friend this story, and she loved it.
just thought you should know. :)

I love you! lmao :arms: Thanks for commenting and spreading the assassin madness! :mrgun:

eeeehehehee. dun worry! i love this story.
you know what adds to the creepiness? reading this at 2 AM. scary stuff. :D

and now, i dont know if i like marc so much. i mean, i knew he wasnt good, but..ahhhhh.
oh, and this is me to Ant. and this is me to laila

and this is me to YOU more soon, please?

Lol, well Marc is not an easy one to get to know. He'll come around eventually, don't give up hope on him. And, what nothing in response to Jurke and his russian-ness? lmao

Aprilette:

BodySnatcher:

MARC TO THE RESCUE. even though he does freak me out a bit. :)
stupid Ant. he should listen to Marc. :)
anyhoo, great update. i'd add more of my love for this, but im piss tired, so i cant.
i showed my friend this story, and she loved it.
just thought you should know. :)

I love you! lmao :arms: Thanks for commenting and spreading the assassin madness! :mrgun:

eeeehehehee. dun worry! i love this story.
you know what adds to the creepiness? reading this at 2 AM. scary stuff. :D

and now, i dont know if i like marc so much. i mean, i knew he wasnt good, but..ahhhhh.
oh, and this is me to Ant. and this is me to laila

and this is me to YOU more soon, please?

DragonxFox:

Chapter 7:

"But none of us complain." Should be neither.
"You see, at school, my friends and eye usually just chill and hang out." Should be I.
"He had shaggy horribly dyed black hair." Should be has and there should be a comma between the bold words.
"But it just works for him. It just does." Remove that word, it makes those sentences repetitive.
"Anyways, I was planning on sneaking out of my house in a few minutes to meet up at him and hit a movie or laugh at falling children and adults." That word should be with.
"I'm cruel, it's not supposed to be funny when a child falls... but anyone, any thing falling is just to laugh out loud hilarious to me. Supposed to be, that falls.
"Grabbing my bag, I hopped out of my window and began my travel down from the 2nd floor window to the floor, only using little indents I made with my knife a few years back to run away." No using chat speak, write it out!
"Like he has to touch everything the nosy thing." Missing a comma between those two words.
"He is not allowed to be touchy the hiney." Should be to touch or touching.

OK, now go fix! :tehe: Love you!
:coffee:
Love the way it's going babe, keep updating! And I don't like cliff-hangers :(

Some things that are on purpose here. The 'just' thing is my writing style, so no changing that. '2nd' isn't chatspeak, it is a genuine... word? that can be used in replacement of the written out form. And "touchy" is one purpose. She's drunk her mind talked like that.

BodySnatcher:

MARC TO THE RESCUE. even though he does freak me out a bit. :)
stupid Ant. he should listen to Marc. :)
anyhoo, great update. i'd add more of my love for this, but im piss tired, so i cant.
i showed my friend this story, and she loved it.
just thought you should know. :)

I love you! lmao :arms: Thanks for commenting and spreading the assassin madness! :mrgun:

Chapter 7:

"But none of us complain." Should be neither.
"You see, at school, my friends and eye usually just chill and hang out." Should be I.
"He had shaggy horribly dyed black hair." Should be has and there should be a comma between the bold words.
"But it just works for him. It just does." Remove that word, it makes those sentences repetitive.
"Anyways, I was planning on sneaking out of my house in a few minutes to meet up at him and hit a movie or laugh at falling children and adults." That word should be with.
"I'm cruel, it's not supposed to be funny when a child falls... but anyone, any thing falling is just to laugh out loud hilarious to me. Supposed to be, that falls.
"Grabbing my bag, I hopped out of my window and began my travel down from the 2nd floor window to the floor, only using little indents I made with my knife a few years back to run away." No using chat speak, write it out!
"Like he has to touch everything the nosy thing." Missing a comma between those two words.
"He is not allowed to be touchy the hiney." Should be to touch or touching.

OK, now go fix! :tehe: Love you!
:coffee:
Love the way it's going babe, keep updating! And I don't like cliff-hangers :(

MARC TO THE RESCUE. even though he does freak me out a bit. :)
stupid Ant. he should listen to Marc. :)
anyhoo, great update. i'd add more of my love for this, but im piss tired, so i cant.
i showed my friend this story, and she loved it.
just thought you should know. :)

Story/Review Thread review:

Junior year, one more year till I become a senior, in which I can finally leave this place, go to college, and live the life I wish I had dream of.

I thought this phrase was worded a bit awkwardly, especially the bolded part. And as the first sentence to a story (and a chapter), I think it's a good idea for it to be as near perfect as possible. The first line is what draws people into the story, and if it's confusing or awkward readers usually just stop reading. When reading stories, I usually use the first line as an indicator to the story. If the first line isn't good, then I assume the rest the story won't be either.

Like a shadow having the sun shrivel it away.

I didn't get this. I can't even imagine what you're trying to say here. Maybe reword it so it's a bit more clear? Change it a bit so that the message your trying to get across is less confusing?

For me, the first paragraph was a bit much. Too melodramatic, too "oh my gosh, my life sucks so hard", too obvious, too cliche...I think if you toned it down a bit, let the angst kind of seep into the story bit by bit (rather than just dumping it into one paragraph), it would make for a much more interesting story. Also, I think that subtly showing rather than telling, would also make the story a lot more effective, you know? Like instead of saying "my parents drink, they beat me, my life sucks", it would be better if you introduced the reader to the main characters problems little by little, by showing them glimpses of what's happening.

But that's just my opinion. I find the 'straight to the point' take on stories like this off-putting. It reminds me of bad journals where people are seeking attention so they list all the things in their life that isn't perfect.

BUT I did like the ending of the first chapter. I was intrigued by the idea of a serial killer being in this story. I found that part very interesting and it made me want to click over to the next chapter, which I did.

----

DragonxFox:

In chapter one, this sentence becomes awkward, "Junior year, one more year till I become a senior, in which I can finally leave this place, go to college, and live the life I wish I had dream of."
Maybe, you should write, "and live the life I wish I had. The one I had dreamt of."

Here you wrote, "It only seemed that nothing interesting would happen today, or any other day at that matter."
Maybe instead of at, you should use the word for.

Please update soon :hug:

-pokes violently-

In chapter one, this sentence becomes awkward, "Junior year, one more year till I become a senior, in which I can finally leave this place, go to college, and live the life I wish I had dream of."
Maybe, you should write, "and live the life I wish I had. The one I had dreamt of."

Here you wrote, "It only seemed that nothing interesting would happen today, or any other day at that matter."
Maybe instead of at, you should use the word for.

Please update soon :hug:

Alright, so now I'm being bugged for chapter 7. I have to stop procrastinating, so be good fans and do me a favor: kick my ass if I'm procrastinating again. For the sake of the story, scream at me :D thank you! <3

Sweet, nice update =]

Ha! Kept my promise now, just updated :)

Of course they'll be more soon and thanks for Birthday wishes! <3

I love this story.

And Happy Birthday <3

this story..its amazing.
its so..chilling! i cant really find the words to describe it how i'm thinking about it, so chilling will just have to do.
i love it.
more soon?

Wow I lied. Ok I'm semi-inspired to continue so expect Chapter 5 in this week.

o.O chill Brigette lol. You of all people know Ragtime is my attention until today. It should be up tomorrow =)

whee!!!
wheres chapter 5?
answer me!!!
*cries randomly*
answer, yes?

I'm working on 5 no worries. I'm going to a concert tonight so it'll be up tomorrow =)
Thank you for being such a supportive fan <3

when's chapter 5 going to be up??? this is so interesting >.<

<33 wonderful update btw