I've Never Lit a Match - Comments

I really enjoyed reading this, I liked the POV switches and I really liked how you started the chapter. I'm glad you're back and hope everything is okay!

(Comment Swap)

I'm not a grammatical expert but there did seem to be an overuse of commas in this, which could probably be eliminated with a little more concise wording.

The first several paragraphs are a bit heavy. Lots of detail explaining who's who, and than we finally get to some active story writing with the dialogue. Keep in mind that when you're characters are actively doing something your story is 'active'; when you're telling the reader what your characters are doing rather than letting them 'act' it out, your story is 'passive'. You could probably google a better example as well as the pros and cons. For me, I sorta drift out of the story when the characters aren't being active. Everything else just seems like filler till the next important bit of action happens.

You do a good job though of describing your two main characters Kris and Layla by using their contrast. Their different approach to music. They make a likeable and realistic couple because of it.

You do seem to shift POV from Kris to Layla, which is okay as it lets us into their thoughts a little, but sometimes confusing (especially at the end where their making out). I like how as a couple they mature very well in this chapter which showed the time shift very well. Great writing, just keep in mind the 'passive' bit. Every writer is different though and that just might be your flavor.

Kris is coming back into the story again soon? He was a right asshole from square one.
I love this story, I like the third person point of view versus first person like most stories do. I don't read many All Time Low fanfics, but I love this one a lot and like how Layla's singing career has moved along since the beginning. She's definitely gonna be something amazing soon. Plus, it's appearing that something is happening between Alex and her, can't wait to read next chapter!

I love that singing is going so well for Layla and I can't wait for the drama to happen when Kris shows up. Update soon!

I have a terrible memory and can't remember the way this played out the first time, but I'm not even mad. I love it. I like the voices of the characters, the way you write them seems.. real (that's the only way I can describe it).

Like I said earlier, nervous Alex is my favorite Alex. He's trying so hard to be discreet, but it's just not working.

Now that you said it won't play out like before, I really want to know what happens between Layla and Kris the next time they see each other!!!

I read all the chapters in one sitting, I love this story. I love your writing style as well. I can't wait for the next update!

Let me start by saying that I was OBNOXIOUSLY EXCITED that you updated this. I'm stoked to see what happens when/if Kris and Layla cross paths. Additionally, nervous Alex is my favorite Alex.

Let me start by first stating I am really drawn to the way you write. Your sentence structures are great and your descriptions are alluring and smartly placed. I particularly love the line "leaving himself on her lips and just barely upon the tip of her tongue, book marking the beginning of something else entirely.

I also really love your varying vocabulary, but I noticed some words don't exactly match what you are trying to convey. Maybe check up on that. I only noticed a few.

I was also confused by the simile "like an entitled toddler" in your very first paragraph of the story. It makes it seem like the party is the toddler by the way you have your sentence structured, and I think you meant for that to describe Layla?

Also, there are issues with the width of your content box in your layout. Some words are getting cut off at the end of lines, so I suggest expanding the width to fit.

As far as characterization goes, I have noticed some discrepancies in Layla's personality. In the first chapter she sort of came of in a bitchy way, particularly when talking about her best friend. This dissipates throughout the next chapters, when her innocence is continually brought up.

Just some things to think about. I really feel like your writing is strong and encouraging, and I hope my comments help while you continue to write!

Let me start by first stating I am really drawn to the way you write. Your sentence structures are great and your descriptions are alluring and smartly placed. I particularly love the line "leaving himself on her lips and just barely upon the tip of her tongue, book marking the beginning of something else entirely.

I also really love your varying vocabulary, but I noticed some words don't exactly match what you are trying to convey. Maybe check up on that. I only noticed a few.

I was also confused by the simile "like an entitled toddler" in your very first paragraph of the story. It makes it seem like the party is the toddler by the way you have your sentence structured, and I think you meant for that to describe Layla?

Also, there are issues with the width of your content box in your layout. Some words are getting cut off at the end of lines, so I suggest expanding the width to fit.

As far as characterization goes, I have noticed some discrepancies in Layla's personality. In the first chapter she sort of came of in a bitchy way, particularly when talking about her best friend. This dissipates throughout the next chapters, when her innocence is continually brought up.

Just some things to think about. I really feel like your writing is strong and encouraging, and I hope my comments help while you continue to write!

I think you do a great job with getting the reader immediately interested. Your first chapter leaves a lot of questions for the reader and it forces them to continue reading. I didn't really see any grammatical errors, so nice job on that. The concept is really interesting to me and like I said before, even if it wasn't interesting, the first chapter is so vague you really need to continue reading in order to feel satisfied. The only thing I would consider is being a little less liberal with your descriptions. I am in agreement with other commenters that you have a gift for imagery, but there was some points where I was getting a little lost in the metaphors. I would just switch it up from time to time in order to keep the reader from feeling bombarded by metaphors and similes. Overall, you have a really great start here! Good luck with your story! You've got wonderful descriptions throughout the story. I love your paragraph and chapter lengths. They're just about perfect. But, I would suggest proofreading a little. There are a few mistakes throughout the piece. Though the story is a little hard for me to follow (probably cause it's just not the genre I'm into), it's still sounds like it has great potential! Keep on writing! :)

please update soon! i really love this story !!

comment swap.
had some trouble with the layout text wasn't really visiable so I switched to default which a little annoying. However i did enjoy your story your descriptives are really good, and I wasn't able to find any mistakes so thats a plus. I only read the first chapter so I dunno what has happened since then but I'm really keen to read on. It's very well writen and could easily passed a published book. I also liked how you made the reader visualise the surroundings and stuff really well. I'm gonna subscribe it's really cool, you an amazing writer (jelous)

I love this, update soooooooon

I'm really digging the Zack and Layla bonding. It's nice to know that their personalities are so alike.

As for breaking the news about To No Avail, I'm glad that it went over so well with Layla. That way, tour won't be so stressful on everyone.

An of course there's the Alex/Layla chemistry in this chapter. I absolutely adore the banter between them. It's sweet.

Thank you once again for updating! As you can probably tell, I REALLY enjoy reading your story :)

I'm so glad you updated! I had been looking so forward to reading more, pretty much since I started!

It's wonderful to finally see things from Alex's perspective. The way they talked about the banana photoshoot and Layla's past with Kris seemed so lighthearted and natural. With everything going so well at the moment, I'm curious to find out how Layla will react to the news of her tourmates...

As always, I loved the update and I can't wait to read more.

So cute!