“But I had spoken too soon because I barley had the door open a crack, letting in a small gist of wind when I heard a sound behind me making me jump in fright, the hood of my jacket slipped off my head reveling my chesnutt hair.”
---has some problems. I would change it to, “I had spoken too soon because I barely had the door open a crack, just letting in a small gust of wind, when I heard a sound behind me. It made me jump in fright, and the hood of my jacket slipped off my head, revealing my chestnut hair.” ---The original had typos and grammar errors.
---Sixth paragraph/section:
“Not that that was as a surprise, I couldn’t tell a convincing lie to save my life.”
I would add the word ‘as’ after your comma. It doesn’t read so choppy that way.
---Paragraph seven:
“He stared at me waiting for my confusion and I tried to look away because I knew what he was doing, seeing that I've been down this road way too many times.”
---How about something along the lines of, “He stared at me, waiting for me to show signs of my confusion. I tried to look away because I knew what he was doing, seeing that I’ve been down this road way too many times.” ---those adjustments make it a bit longer and less run-on-y. ha.
---Eleventh Paragraph: “"I'm sorry hun, really I am." He added seeing the look on my face. "But it's too dangerous out there there's a killer on the loose.” ”
---maybe something like : “I’m sorry, hun. Really, I am,” he quickly added, seeing the look on my face, “but it’s too dangerous out there. You know there’s a killer on the loose!” ---maybe it’s just me, but that’s how I would’ve written it. Lol.
Thirteenth Paragraph:
Earlier, you had her name as Adrienne, but in this paragraph it’s Amber still.
After that, I didn't find anything else. The reason I started editing, though, was because of a few simple misspellings in paragraph three. (Like barely was barley...I think. Haha.)
Anywho, I like this already! You've changed it a bit, and I can't wait to read (although I would've liked to see how you ended the other way...XD)
Oh, jeez. I couldn't resist. I clicked. I read. I'm sitting here thinking "there's not going to be a Sirius/Amber fling, is there?!" and "how will the age difference work out?!" and "Hell, I don't care if there is! I think, if she wrote it, I'd love it!" and now I'm here on the comment page leaving you a comment.
If you want to draw in more readers, for the next time you update, I suggest going back and editing the first several chapters. I understand that they're older, but they are littered with grammar and spelling mistakes and it would make another person as nit-picking as I curl their toes in distress. (haha). A lot of it was spelling Snuffles as Snaffles, which I really don't see how you managed, but there were a few others I can't think of now.
Wow, it has been so long that I thought I would never hear from this story again!!! LOL I really liked the chapter =D I love sirius he's great =D Update again? SOON??