We Were Birds - Comments

Wow. That's all I have to say.

I've only read the first chapter and I haven't finished it, but I just wanted to say I loved it. I love how you made seemingly cliche phrases and turned them around, made them new again. As well as how she dwelt on the definition of "lost." I've never thought of it like that before.

I found this through this http://www.mibba.com/forums/topic/post/9218760/#9218760 post, and this was the only one out of all those stories that I didn't exit after browsing.

I've only gotten to chapter four, but so far I can tell this story is going to be great. You've already managed to get my eyes moist. The concept of what happens after death has highly intrested me ever since I lost my twin when I was ten. I have to get to work now, but I just thought I should comment.

This has got to be one of the most beautiful stories in all of mibba history. <3
It takes a real attention grabber for me to read it in one day, but, dear, this is it.
You have such great talent. :)
I'm subscribing even though it's finished 'cause I never want to forget where it is.

This was amazingly beautiful.
I'm actually crying and I never cry at stories on mibba.
You are such a talented writer and this was just brilliant. Pure brilliance.
Definitely one of my favourite stories on here. :3

I read this like... a really really really long time ago, but the other day I suddenly thought back to it.
And then I realized that I never commented. Or at least not to my knowledge, ahaha.

I just wanted to say that this is one of the best stories I've read on Mibba, and quite possibly my favorite.
In the hopes that it means something, I wanted to let you know that you have a beautiful talent.
Yeahhh, I know, tacky tacky! But it's true, m'dear. You are truly blessed with a gift of story-telling.
It shines loud and clear, especially in this story, I find. It made me laugh and cry at the same time!
Now that is a special sort of accomplishment.

(:

Perfect prologue; hooks me right in, though I can't say the same about the idea of the story. However, you're still a very promising writer, so keep the wonderful work up!

I feel like I should tell you that I love this.

I had this recced to me a few weeks ago and I read it at work in one sitting, but I never came back to rant to you how amazing this was. So I'm here to do it now.

This is flawless.

Everything about this is amazing.

You are an epic writer and this by far the most wonderful thing I've ever read on this site.

Perfect : )

. . . Wow. Just, wow. That was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

First of all, you have an amazing writing style; you just write so well! Everything seemed to flow, and the story was captivating to the very last sentence.

And speaking of that last sentence . . . I loved it. It held such a resounding note to it. I am honestly in shock (still!) from the effectiveness of that final sentence.

Finally, I agree with some others in saying you should publish this story. Seriously. I would definitely buy it. And place it on my bookshelf on the "Shelve of Honor."

I'm going to stop gushing now (because I probably should be getting some sleep). So to sum it up, yes, I thoroughly enjoyed We Were Birds. It was extraordinary, and you have real talent. :)

I read the first few chapters of this story on FictionPress a while ago, and I was absolutely enchanted by it.

I've now read it in its entirety, and I just wanted to commend you on such an amazing piece. Fern and Quinn were just compelling, and the story was so original and refreshing and...yeah...

Thank you so much for sharing this! :)

Is it bad that I'm bawling? Because I totally am. This isn't normal :) I totally totally loved it

I mean Were.

... so much for being a dedicated fan. :)

We Are Birds is THE most beautiful story I have ever read in my life.
I am so inspired after reading about Fern and Quinn. They make me believe that I will fall in love one day. And they motivate me to be myself and do whatever I want.

You are such an amazing writer, and I can tell from your writings that you are very beautiful. Thank you so much for writing such... beautiful stories. I hadn't read any other ones, but I know they are beautiful. Just God, you're so beautiful.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

:')

Your writing is amazing. Seriously, what an imagination.

I really really really loved this story! It was so different but so great! I just really love how you portrayed everything about their lives and deaths. It was so interesting.

Um, when I first started reading this story (which was two months ago) I gave up as soon as I read the word death. Death is something that I can't deal with because I have seen a great deal of it. But I guess my mom is right when she says that this is a dying world and that there is nothing we can do about it. Earth cannot hold us all.
So after death took another person dear to me a week ago, I decided to come back to this story. I thought that it was a story about how death separates people, but as I read on (and as the ending said) it was a story about how death can bring two people together again.

And I am glad I read this. I loved the ending and I loved every single chapter, every single repeated feeling and description. It may sound silly, but thanks Emily. I really loved this.

I love that the story's about death and life after death! I read the prologue and chapter 1 a long time ago and didn't go on to chapter 2 because I thought it was just going to be about how they died instead of what happened after they died, but I'm so glad I read chapter 2. Yey for surprises! :) I'm actually, like, cheering for them to find each other xD

"Do you...do you love the sea more than you love me?"
Quinn looked at Fern quizically for a moment and then laughed and kissed her forehead. "I love the sea," he said. "But I'm in love with you." He paused. "It's like...you and birds. You love birds. But you're in love with me. Right?" ---I absolutely love this part! xD bahaha. I guess I can just relate to the stupid things lovers think

They occupied her house more than should be allowed and always came in shouting something and always left shouting something else. ---I found this really funny! :))

I know you've admitted that you have errors since you don't use a spellcheck, but in the 2nd and 3rd paragraph of chapter twenty-three; the journey, where it should be "address" not "adress," it just really bothered me since it happened thrice and so close to each other.

I finally finished the story! And this is pretty awesome. :)

Dude, it looks like you want people to help you out with correcting any mistakes in the first few chapters. Well, golly gee, I can do that for ya! Hmm... actually I think I rather enjoy giving criticism. >=)
Anywaaay, on with the suggestions or whatever.

-

Prologue

You see, at the root of the story of Quinn Sutherland and Fern Whitelaw are the birds.
This sentence sounds kinda awkward, and you use "of" twice when the second one isn't needed. Hmm... just read it over a couple times and you'll probably get what I'm trying to say.

Chapter 1

She stood, a solitary figure in a black knee-length dress and a wide-brimmed black hat, holding her black clutch in her white, [termbling] hands.
I think that's supposed to be "trembling."

But losing a person was altogether different.
This doesn't really matter much, but I think it'd sound better if you switched "altogether" and "different".

Once she opened them and they were watery but she closed them again, blinked rapidly, closed and then finally opened them again to a clear sky.
There's something about this part that's just... I don't know, it just feels off. I thought that if I pointed it out, maybe you would see it as well. But I can't really put my finger on exactly what it is, so maybe just try to reword it or something.

If he were here, Quinn would give her a faux-glare, pick up the necklace and say in that barnacle drawl of his, "Darlin', you can't go around dropping that sort of thing. It's special. It has a meaning. Besides, it cost me a fortune," he'd say. Sorry, Fern thought. Sorry, I just don't want it anymore.
First, at the part where Quinn is talking, you write that he said that twice... uh, if that makes sense. And then at the part where Fern is thinking to herself, it would have a much better effect if you separated that into a new paragraph.

A small, long-forgotten sentence flit through Fern's head.
I think it would be better if you used "flitted" instead of "flit."

They maid a strange pair, Fern all in black, the nursemaid all in white.
It should be "made" instead of "maid". Haha, lots of maids to distract you there.

Now it was a part of a person that she was no longer.
This isn't such a big deal, but the wording of this sentence seemed off. Maybe change it to "Now it was a part of a person she no longer was" instead.

Chapter 2

"No one knows. I am waiting for my wife, who is not long for the world much longer and should join me in six months at the very maximum."
When the old man is talking about his wife, you use "long" and then "longer" to describe how she's going to die soon... so maybe take one out.

Chapter 3

The woman grins at Fern. "There's no other way to put this, but...you're dead."
I don't know, but this just didn't sound like something an old woman would say. Maybe add some "dears" in there or something and take out the contractions.

Fern lifts her hand in a sort of wave that the old woman will never see. A wave of loss rushes of Fern.
You use "wave" twice here, each with separate meanings. And it just felt kinda off. Maybe change the first part to "Fern lifts her hand in a farewell gesture" instead.

It actually surprises Fern that she can feel pain, if she's supposedly dead and all. Of course, if this were a dream, she wouldn't feel pain either.
This part is contradictory, because you say that Fern is surprised she can feel pain, and then you say that if it was a dream, she wouldn't feel pain either. If you see what I'm talking about.

her mind suddenly asks her. Why are you still standing her?
I do believe that "her" on the end is supposed to be "here".

Chapter 4

To Quinn, Fern was one of the pretty, perfect girls who parents gave them everything they wanted.
That "who" is probably meant to be "whose."

Liam Lourdes looked back at Quinn with dark eyes, who met his steely gaze easily. With a roll of the eyes, Liam looked at Fern, who was still deep in her notes and turned back.
I felt this part was just sorta bleh. Too much "eye" reference or something maybe, but it just didn't feel right. Mechanical almost, and somewhat confusing with the motions I suppose.

But then she'd left suddenly, leaving behind a note saying only I'm sorry.
I felt you could have put more description into the note, not like a whole paragraph type of thing, but just a few more words. Because you only mention it for a fleeting moment and the reader sort of forgets about it and the fact that Fern's mom left, which I think is an important detail. Maybe describe the mom's handwriting or where the note was when they found it, just something like that.

Apparantley, Liam wasn't finished with him, because as soon as Quinn was out of the door, Liam's hand was on his shoulder.
Apparently is spelled incorrectly.

"I was mad at Liam, but with you I'm just...dissapointed."
Disappointed is spelled incorrectly.

Chapter 5

Quinn would say that she constantly harassed him, constantly badgered him and it annoyed the hell outta him that she never stopped telling him to smoke.
This made me laugh when I noticed it. I think you meant "never stopped telling him to quit smoking."

The subject of The Professor had been another subject that was off limits to Fern's friends, but it had been for a long, long time.
That "the" before professor shouldn't be capitalized.

It was a sacrifice she'd readily make though, for those tiny fletting times when she felt wanted, safe and happy.
That's probably supposed to be "fleeting" instead of "fletting."

Say something, say something...if you aren't going to be friends with me, at least say no, godammit so I know we're not friends anymore, just say something, say anything, please...
It's "goddammit".

Or the next day, and so on. Fern walked home slowly, clutching her math textbook to her chest and walked deliberatley passed the road she usually took to get down to Quinn's house.
Deliberately is spelled incorrectly.

He disliked her in it, he didn't think she knew how to handle the birds, but in truth, [the] liked her more than they liked him.
That's supposed to be "they".

However, she was no match for a tall, wiry seventeen year old who worked on a dock whose job was usually to lift heavy crates of fish.
This sentence felt off, and hopefully you're seeing what I'm talking about. The "who" and "whose" there just don't sound right together like that.

Chapter 6

I didn't see anything off grammatically or otherwise with chapter six, except for the fact that you capitalized "Janitor" every time when talking about how Quinn and Fern got married. I'm not sure it needs to be capitalized, but maybe it does. I really don't know, but that was the only thing I caught.

-

I know my editing skills suck, but I thought I'd attempt to help out a little for such a great book. Anyways, good luck! =]

Oh. My. God.
Wow.
Holy shit.
This has to be one of my favorite stories of all time, and I'm not talking about just on mibba, I'm talking about real books. You should totally publish this story, no joke. I'd buy it in a flash.
I clicked on the story just to read the summary and maybe the prologue because I was curious, and just so I could come back and read the rest later. But after I read the prologue, I found myself clicking on the little chapter two button... and then number three, and then four, and before I knew it I had stayed up all night reading this story. And let me tell you right now that kind of thing rarely happens to me.
There's so many amazing aspects about this story I just don't know where to begin.
The layout, the dialogue, the way each chapter starts with "the..", and I especially loved how at the end you could tell it was written by that one mysterious lady with all the answers.
After I finished it I wanted to cry, and laugh, and scream, and smile, and punch a wall, and jump for joy, all at the same time. The emotion in this is so incredibly real that I felt like I was going to burst.
The prologue is written so well, and that's probably the reason why I continued reading. The way you say that it isn't a story about the lives of Fern and Quinn, but of their deaths... that's just, WOW.
It all comes together perfectly at the end like each chapter is a seperate puzzle piece and they all fit when the story is finished and everything makes sense and holds so much emotion and meaning that you want to explode with its complete awesomeness.
AND one of the main character's names is Quinn, haha, the same name as me. It felt awkward reading it at first, but I got used to it, and then it was cool.
Oh yeah! And I was listening to a playlist of Paul Simon and Simon & Garfunkel while reading part of it and the song "Graceland" came on and I was like... this song is perfect for the story. Maybe not the lyrics entirely, but just the emotion is parallel, at least to me it is. It was just a random moment thing.
I'm guessing that you like Paul from the fact that a chapter of your other story is titled "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" so maybe you know the song. But it would be preeetty creapy if that was just a coincidence, hah, since it's such a strange name.
And wow this comment is getting long.
So I'll shutup now.

I'm just wondering--when does this take place? Present day, past...