A Modest Disposal - Comments

I think the whole point of the story is that the writer is childish, though obviously somewhat intelligent. I'm not sure if you understand it. Funny, I don't think she wasted a word; everything was striking at a different meaning. Also, if you're going to grow bored every time you're confronted with a long paragraph, maybe writing isn't for you...

All that fuss over an onomatopoeia . 'Blam' has a comic-book sense to it - in this context, I think it works better than 'boom' or 'bang', the alleged acceptable gun noises.

(Also, it's 'you're', not 'your' when shortening 'you are'. Just saying, those who live by the sword...)

I will be reviewing this as I go.

STORY/REVIEW GAME.
The summary was awkward and made no sense to me; it didn’t really clue me in on what this story was about. I mean the layout makes it obvious it’s about a hospital—maybe your summary should’ve been based on that.

CHAPTER ONE OF ONE.
I liked the way you opened it up; you seem to be doing a lot of second person, and then you switch it back to first person—it’s confusing. But the way you opened up the chapter was brilliant; because you give the sense of emotion; the imagery is quite strong. And vivid . . . and I liked that.

I think the state of you capitalizing your ‘blams’ informs the reader your shouting, and then plus, that isn’t a word. Guns don’t do that, they go ‘boom’ . . . or ‘bang’. Hmpf, you make it sound like a nine year old is attempting to tell the story and then you have them start again like a video game and make him/her retell the bloody paragraph. But then . . . it has a mature, teenage feeling sense to it. That’s good.

Thank you is two words, not one. It’s not a compound word, doll. That really huge paragraph should’ve been split up in smaller paragraphs. I got bored, honestly—I got tired of the perspective and the whole violent, and the continuous mention of guns. It was annoying, and it was the same thing over and over . . . just rephrased differently.

The imagery was good, though; it was strong. The description and comparisons are good. But I felt you could’ve done better with this one-shot. I see potential, and I believe you have it . . . I just feel like you didn’t try; and that sucks. Because on another note, it sounded very childish.

No - that's the beauty of fiction. The writer themselves does not need to be a homicidal loner to write as one. :XD

It's set in America, and I hold no grudge against people who use foundation-lipstick, and my dad does not have a rack for the guns. They're hidden very discreetly. Don't worry. I'm not going to come in on May the eighth and secure myself an international minor headline.

:| :shock: Should I be worried?