Morbid Symphony - Comments

mr. owl (100)

:: Member
Gender:: ♀
Age:: 30
Location:: United States

Prologue: I really like how you used music as a cure for her heartache. :D I also like the way the music quickly disappears as she opens the door. I would remove the disclaimer.. I'm new here, and this is my first story so far! Please comment! I would like to know how you think of it! :D

<August 6: I added the short summary, so that you'd know what the story's about. And I'm sorry if it sucks, cause I was never, and never is; good at making summaries.> Your summary is good, and this kind of defeats the purpose of the summary. You want your reader to wonder what’s going on so that they continue reading.

First chapter: Sometimes people take advantage of my weaknesses, and that's why I can never trust anyone. That line is pure perfection. I loved it. I like how you have her hesitate to take the glass from the man. Most people would do that, and it shows your character isn’t a moron. Good job. :D

I take the paper from his arms, write something down, and hand it back to him.

"I can't tell you that, I'm sorry." He hands me back the piece of paper, and leaves the room.

Perfect way to keep your reader wondering. :D

Chapter two: I like how your character is a mute. It also keeps your reader wondering, wanting to know why she isn’t asking questions like crazy and freaking out.

I love how you let her describe herself in the mirror after the dress being put on and her make up and hair being done. It shows how much she notices change.

Olive hands me a pair of shoes, and I gladly take it.

It should be them.

Chapter three: This chapter is pretty short, but I liked the way you described the room and the way the girl was feeling about being in a stranger’s home.

Chapter four: You developed the character of Georgina very well, making her personality seem childish while her face and appearance suggested otherwise.

Chapter five: You do a really good job of following the girl through the castle and touring it on her own. I like that she was interested in library and soon lost interest after only a few minutes. And you mention another strange guy who keeps your readers intrigued and wanting to read more. Great job.

Chapter six: A plot? To kill the girl? Well, at least she had some interaction with the boy from the library. It seems like he’s going to try and help her.

Chapter seven: I sing along to the loud music booming out of my earphones, as I walk towards the bathroom.

I thought mutes couldn’t sing? :D

You mention her talking and singing a lot in this chapter. I’m not sure if you did that on purpose or not, but it really confused me because I was under the impression she was mute..

Overall this story is pretty good. I think you’re off to a good start, but you may want to start moving the story a bit faster and having longer chapters if you don’t want to lose readers.

October 6th, 2009 at 05:08am