October 1st, 2009 at 02:09am
hmmm my first thought is the layout is annoying, sorry. I've never been a fan of neon. Second is it's okay but it's a little too simple for me. But i did enjoy it so thank you.
thanks for the entry.
I very much like this oneshot. It has feeling, the imagery was amazing, though it is a bit short.
Where It Needs Improvement:
The one-shot itself is a bit short, and leaves alot of open ends. Also blatantly stating the "He's my friend, but I like him" bit is a little cliche.
Tips to improve it:
Add more detail, more description, more of that amazing imagery we saw when you were describing the cliff. Also try to go a more round about way of the cliche I listed before. If you were to hint at it, it would give you more length and leave the reader even more interested.
What I liked:
The imagery and feeling that went into this was astounding. I could picture the cliff, the sunset, and the surf hitting the shore.
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Opening:
The story had a strong, well described opening. It was a little vague, but that really kept me wanting to read more. Props to you.
Conflict:
I believe that the conflict is a little too blatent. Going around it in a more haphazard and vague way without losing it completely would have kept me more entertained with the story.
The emotional conflict within the main characters is present, and I think that it was just the right amount. Good job. However, the conflicts for each of the characters doesn't really seem to be solved completely, and for a oneshot, I think there should be a bit of closure.
Plot:
The main plot was clear and believable. It did not get muddled into the other bits of the story.
It did seem the main character(s) had a direct problem to solve, though whether they solved it or not is not exactly evident.
The setting could be determined quickly and easily, so I could focus on the story, not trying to figure out where they were and why they were there.
Setting:
As I said before, the setting was well described and I could clearly find time and place within a story. I could imagine being there myself.
Characterization:
The characters seemed real and believable. They appeared to have thier faults, their strengths and weaknesses, giving them more depth that the boring mary-sues.
However, there was not alot of description of the characters. Their physical appearance and the like.
Dialogue:
From what I see, the dialogue is consistant with the personalities of each of the characters, which also helped to make them believable, although, without the lyrics in the story, I don't believe there was enough dialogue.
Point Of View:
The point of view was easily figured from the first few sentences of the story, and it did not change, making it easier to read without distraction.
Show vs. Tell:
I believe there should have been a bit more imagery, describing the physical surroundings and feelings of the characters, but you did a good job balancing the show aspect and the tell aspect of the story.
Format of the text:
It was a bit of an easy read, there were few distinguished paragraphs, and alot of line skips, making the story seem broken.
Grammar and Spelling:
Your grammar and spelling was fantastic! A++++ to you!
Style:
The actual dialogue was a bit bland, but the story itself had a decent flow and style to it.
Layout:
The neon-pastel colors of the layout kind of clash, distracting me from the story a bit.
Overall:
I loved it, though a few improvements could be made. However, it was well written and you have a great writing style. Keep up the great work. =]