Dark Secret - Comments

You write really well!! :)
Can't wait for more updates! :D
Keep it up!

amazing amazing amazing amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your writing is amazing :)
I live how you described Leanna (Did I spell her name right?), wonderful, I could picture her in my head. This story is really good, so far I love it :D

Wow... So amazing! I was hooked from the start. :) Great work, keep it up. <3

OH MY GOSH. That JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is sooooooooo inconsiderate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yeah, they didn't do a very good job of protecting her. And where was Richard in all of this? And why does the king want to see her? And GAH, I need more answers! Lol. Please update soon! This is awesome!

Ohmigosh, yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You updated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Twice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in Arkansas! o_O I know. I KNOW. But I'm back now!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE the new chappie! Haha, Tyler pushed her. Awesome. XD YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now off to read chapter ten!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha, sorry, kinda hyper: I just ate pie. 8D

I like your form=]

LOL. Okay, sorry, but I have to do this. It's funny, I promise. I'm sure you'll laugh.

Kenneth's POV:

The vampire boy - Tyler, I think he's called, lost his control when I brushed my love's cheek with my own. I rather believe he is going to try to kill me.

I think not.

LOL, sorry. I had to do that. XD You're laughing, right? No? Oh well. *shrugs* I thought it was funny. :) This is SO amazing, and I can't wait until you write more. Awesomeness!

Kenneth: '"Missed me?"'

Me: Ahahahahahahahaha - uh, no. Not at all, actually. Now go away before I kick you where no dude should ever be kicked.

Holy crap! She's been victimized! She's a target and she's wanted by everyone! But in different ways! Whatever is she going to do!? *faints* *giggles* Sorry. Had to play the damsel in distress/morose drama queen there for a second. But don't worry, I'm back! XD

Oh my gosh, I freaking love this! This is soooooo funny! I absolutely love it! PLEASE update soon, because I'm already on chapter five or six, and I might die if you don't! It's that good! You don't want me to die, do you!? XD Lol, just letting you know this is really funny and really awesometastic! And OMG, what if Kenny-boy is the king!?!?! That would be........ odd. And slightly disturbing. But oh well. *shrugs* Just letting you know this is incredimazing and stunnitastical!

And the crap hits the fan. Oh lovely. Big brother Richie is here now, though, Charlie, don't worry! ;) jk jk. This is SOOOOOO awesome! I LOVE it! *hug*

Uh-oh. What the hell did he do to her? Why are her eyes all..... different? And he apparently gave her sight. Oh, joy. This ought to be rather interesting to see how it'll play out. Personally, I hope Leanna kicks his arse, buuuuut, that's just me. XD

*cracks up* Oh my gosh, I absolutely LOVED this first chapter. It was freaking amazing. I loved it. XD This is TOTALLY awesome.

hmm, sound interesting! ^.^

Awesome your are getting better; your writing has improved greatly and i don't mind if the updates take a millenium!! lol jk keep it up

Gahlibferaget. (That was jibberish/gibberish however you spell it.) I like Taylor. He sounds yummy. (LOL I'm so weird.) Upate date soon, please? :D I can't wait for chapter three. Thanks for entering my contest!

Wow, is the thought that goes with how good the story is, however, it also goes with the amount of mistakes that are in your story.

Mistakes really take away the flow of the story, and as the previous chapter of two there were only a small amount of mistakes that I tolerated, but in this chapter there are a whopping amount. If you can get someone to edit, it would really be perfect.

Wow, you are a very good writer. The work you put into this surely shows. I love the plot to the story and the way it's written keeps me interested. Hurry and upload the next chapter please!

I liked the summary, but there is a grammatical error.

Soon, she'd found out about the hidden past, the secret behind her so-call pathetic life.
So-call should be so called.

I really liked the preface, it gave us a sense of the emotions running through the character and how scared they were. It was extremely well written as well.

In the first chapter, I like how you didn't rewrite Twilight. You mentioned the fact that Leanna should be like the characters in Twilight, but she wasn't. She was flawed, immature. I like that, because you aren't portraying her as completely perfect, like most vampire fics. Good job.

And, I'm not saying you have to change this, but I know it bothers me. When you have quotations, you only use apostrophes, when you should be using quotes. I'm not saying you have to, it's just a suggestion. :D Kinda like this:

"Stop being a spoiled brat. What would Tom say when he sees you?"

‘He’ll laugh at my cuteness, that’s what.’ Leanna giggled. Character development. I love it.

This is in the first chapter as well, it's an awkward sentence, A rich one, no less. I think it would make more sense if no less was nonetheless. But, that's just me.

Walking down the hallway reminded me the reason why I hated school so much. The corridor was flooded with teenagers of different ages and labels, chatting with tons of laughter. Noisy and crowded, things that could piss me off in no time. I was not the same as them. A weirdo, you might say. I had always considered myself as an alien among them. I didn’t cry in funerals, I enjoyed other’s torment, I laughed at the sight of my life fluid. Sadly, my birth paper proved I was indeed a human.

Oh, god. I love this paragraph. It totally paints a picture of this girl for me. It made me laugh too, at the end how she says, Sadly, my birth paper proved I was indeed a human.

Quickly, I picked up the envelope and put it into my massager bag.

Massager bag, ehh? Hahah, I think it should be messenger.

I like how mysterious this Kenneth is. You keep me, as a reader, wanting to read even more ending the chapter like that. Although, that chapter was a bit lengthy. I would suggest splitting it in two.. Maybe chapter two starting when they get to school?

I prepared to choke when I inhaled a handful of dust, and then I realized the air wasn’t different from what I usually breathed in. Its untouchable texture travelled down my throat smoothly.

I've never read a vampire fic where the dust particles are felt when they breathe. Kudos for that. Originality. :D

I love the description of her eyes. You didn't make them both one color or make them a normal red, or yellow like in Twilight. You played around with it and made it yours. I like that. :D

So far, I think this story has a promising start. There are a few grammatical errors and what not, you may want to consider getting a beta reader/editor to help you look over these and fix the errors.

This story has an interesting plot line. It's cliche because of the characters and what not, but you changed the plot and mixed it up, making it your own.

I enjoyed reading it.

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