Quiet Like The Snow - Comments

one-shots that come with stories are amazing, and this one is, like they said, beautiful.

This was truly beautiful, so well written. It's one of the best one-shots I have read on here to be honest. =)

Though I appreciate your usage of words, and your writing altogether, you seemed to have used too many big words. And though that may seem to you as petty, to me it matters quite a lot in writing. You've already got great writing technique, and putting in those words just made it confusing.

That may sound weird, but it just doesn't feel right. I know I used to do this, I would put in a bunch of big words in my story because I thought it was too simple. But you don't need that. It makes your story too wordy.

You don't need all the extra stuff, because your writing style is amazing. Have a good day, lovely.

Minuscule, milky orbs danced down onto the earth... I absolutly fell in love when I read that line. Like I commented on your story Take A Minute, I love the beautiful way you discribe the scenary and the emotions.

Thanks for entering!

I know I've commented on this before, but I had to read it again. You have tons of talent, girl!

When I saw that it was based off of Louder Than Thunder by The Devil Wears Prada, I listened to the song before actually reading the story and I like the tone that it sets, and I really like the song, so thanks for getting me into it.

The layout and banner are great and work fabulously with the introduction and end to the story.

Your way of explaining the scenery and the basic bustle of every day life going on in the city while Royce walks by is fantastic, I could practically see it and feel the warmth when he walked in the cafe.

Royce and Elaine's relationship is quite clearly the normal service worker and a frequent customer.

'Mia and him' - should be 'he and Mia' or something like it, it's not quite correct like that.

His sorrow at the loss of Mia is very well described and brings a lot of understanding towards the whole tone of the story and made me feel bad for him, especially when you described how selfless Mia had been.

'Elaine noticed however said' - should be 'Elaine noticed, however, said', because 'however' is used as a pause, and the camas cut it out from the rest of the sentence to make it one.

I absolutely love the ending, I know that makes me morbid and wrong, but it really is fantastic.

This one-shot was amazing, the point, Royce's world being different and not worth living in without Mia, was perfectly executed

You did a wonderful job

This is so... so... brilliant. Flawless. Beautiful. Poetic. A masterpiece.

Review Game

Layout:
I love your layout, it's simple, clean, and easy to read. The picture is also a nice touch, great job on it. :)

Summary:
I really like the summary. "...how envious he was of them." That bit of it really struck my interest it made it really alluring, I suppose you could say. So now I'm going to head off to the story itself, I'm sure it'll be good. :) Oh and I really like the title!

Story:

I like the question in the beginning, a very interesting question to me anyways.

The way you described the snow falling was really nice and so poetic, very nice. It makes snow seem so wonderful and whatnot. Since I never get to see snow where I live, hearing, well reading about it like that just makes it seem magical.

Once he stepped outside, he was greeted with delicate kisses from the weary breeze, struggling through the dynamic metropolitan.

I love that sentence for some reason, the way it's worded and the way you have delicate kisses in there, wonderful job! In my head I'm picturing a place like New York City, not that I've ever been, but that's what I imagine it to be.

His character was communicated well in this scenery.

The scenery described previously seemed glum and depressing in a way, since you put that it was grey and neutral. So I'm assuming that this character is a rather glum dude, but I'm not sure I will find out. By the way this is written wonderfully, you have a way with words.

The more I read about this character the more I wonder why he wants the quite so badly? It appears he lives in a bustling city that can be quite lively, but for some reason it is very dull.

cherry cheeks

I like that, cute little description right there.
=)

The name Royce is an unsual name, but it suits the character I think. Great name choices, uncommon, but a perfect fit. The woman he is talking to is like his polar opposite all cheery and bright, she adds some color into the story.

So it would seem that this Mia girl is the reason his life is so dull, lovers perhaps? Oh poor Royce, now I can see why he is a glum fellow. The woman he loved has just vanished from his life, leaving him in a world of gray shades, now it makes more sense.

She had easily captured his heart, slithering her fingers around the organ and tightening her grip whenever she pleased.

Powerful sentence, I love it! She really had Royce wrapped around her finger, poor guy.

Oh my goodness! The ending, so sad. I really didn't see that coming, but I guess since his life was basically colorless it made sense. This was an amazingly written story and had such emotion, powerful word use.

Lovely job I give you a 10 out of 10.
Great job on this story, truly amazing!

The description is fantastic. I could almost feel the atmosphere. If you were to enter this into a Young Writers' Conference, if you have one of those, I believe, you would most definitely win an award, if not receive an honorable mention. Wonderful!

this is, without a doubt, one of the best one-shots and just in general works that i have ever read on this site.
also, beautiful layout.

The description of the snow was lovely. The ending was a bit shocking and unexpected, but it was good. And since this is a one-shot, maybe you should change the settings to show it's complete. I usually skim random people's stories and read the complete ones. Maybe other readers are that way too. :)

This is beautiful, lovely, and completely awesome.
So poetic, I love it! (:

Minuscule, milky orbs danced down onto the earth, seizing everything underneath victim to the hoarding amounts.

I was skeptical, coming into this, because TDWP is my absolute favorite band and I wasn't sure anyone could take one of their songs and make it into a good story. But, with this first line, you proved me wrong right away.

Brilliant, beautiful one-shot.

This truly is a beautiful piece of literature.
Everything is done with such ease and it really does touch the heart.

She had easily captured his heart, slithering her fingers around the organ and tightening her grip whenever she pleased.
The imagery here is dark, but still beautiful. It gives real insight into the relationship and shows how one-sided the romance truly is.

Well done (:

I must say, I did like the ending. :] That was very well done.

After reading all of the comments, I feel afraid to say anything but how good the story was. :/
But hey.

Whilst I was reading it, it reminded me of the first time read Bryce Courtenay. He used a lot of description, and it would take a while for the story to get interesting. (Please don't take offence.)
Yours did get itneresting, and that was when he was thinking about the girl, and then at the end when he walked out of the cafe`. But to me, I'm thinking you used too much imagery and emotive language. :/ To some, it's beautiful, but personally...it gets quite hard for me to take it all in.

But I do commend you for the amount of desrciptive language you did pull off. :] Like, it's something I could not do. At all.

The plot that you did have, was simple. There wasn't a lot to make the reader choose between the girl and Royce, if you know what I mean. You shared enough so we could know Royce just a little bit before he got the silence he wanted.

And on that, I really want to say again how that ending was great. The whole time I was wondering how the silence was going to be captured, and kept as a the running theme. :]

I love the song.
And I adore the layout, it's super cute.

I loved this, as well.
You're a great writer.

And like EverRose said, everything flowed quite nicely.

One: Love the layout
Two: Love the song...Louder than thunder!
Three: I loved this! It was really great! and everything just flowed so well.

Wowzers! I thought it was awesome! It had so much detail in it and it was so nicely written.

What would it take for things to be quiet? I really liked how you started and ended your story with this sentence.

Wow, this is really good. You're an amazing writer. I love how you detailed the little things.

She had easily captured his heart, slithering her fingers around the organ and tightening her grip whenever she pleased. And now it was ripped out of his body and lying on the floor, repeatedly being stepped on by the harsh reality of it all. - I loved that whole little paragraph. :D

Great job.

Story Review

First off, I love the simplicity of the banner and the layout, it really fits the story. I also like the little summary, which I feel is perfect for a one-shot.

What would it take, for things to be quiet? - I really love this as a way to start the story, but you don't need the comma here. It disrupts flow.

Minuscule, milky orbs danced down onto the earth, seizing everything underneath victim to the hoarding amounts. - I love this description! I can really picture the snow falling down. The snow is more flaky where I leave, but I can imagine it falling down in bigger clumps wherever this is set.

Once he stepped outside he was greeted with delicate kisses from the weary breeze, struggling through the dynamic metropolitan. - You need a comma after "outside."

an array of greys, whites and blacks decorating a tainted canvas. - You need a comma after "whites."

Colours tussled against the neutral hues but to no avail, - You need a comma before "but."

all seemingly dull in perspective do to the overwhelming amount consuming the streets. - You used the wrong word here. IT should be "due" instead of "do."

The dreary boulevards smoothly absorbed his being; however he remained content with that notion. - You shouldn't use a semi-colon here because it isn't two separate thoughts. Instead, replace the semi-colon with a comma and then add another comma after "however."

His character was effectively communicated in this scenery. - I didn't really like this line. It felt way too wordy and forced.

His habitual trips to the shop had accustomed for her to memorize his order, which was always the same: a café macchiato - This is worded a bit awkwardly, I would take out "for."

Together they would sit in one of the many booths, conversing for hours on end about everything and nothing. - I really love this line, especially the part about "everything and nothing." It added a nice touch.

Silently she had slipped away from his fingers, - You need a comma after "Silently."

The stars that polluted the inky night sky shone brighter. - This has got to be my favorite line. It really stuck with me.

even in the happiest moments he knew very much that this impending fate would appear sooner or later. - You need a comma after "moments."

Of course, at the time he hoped it would be later. - You need a comma after "time."

She was selflessness incarnated, always thinking of others before herself. - I really like the irony of this line. She's so selfless, yet she left him all alone.

Overall, this was a nice story. You have a wonderful talent with descriptions. The only constructive criticism I have is to maybe be a little less wordy. It's nice to throw a formal word in every now and again, but not every single word should be that way. I also feel like a huge chunk of this story was purely description, which was great, but there just wasn't enough plot.