Elevation - Comments

Story Review Game - Chapter 8.

The John Denver quote that started this chapter made me kind of happy - I may have an album or two on vinyl, somewhere... - and it was also quite fitting, I found, as I kept reading.

The dots that you used to separate the scenes were a little distracting, I thought. It made the layout of the writing itself seem a bit cluttered and disorganized. Maybe try substituting those for something a little more simple and on one line instead of three, like a couple of dashes or a bullet? Otherwise...I don't know, it's just a bit irksome on the eyes, and it kind of messes with the flow of the writing (it did for me, at least).

You're good at capturing emotion, I've noticed, and inserting emotion between lines of dialogue; little things like facial expressions and annoyed tones, irritated thoughts that the characters are silently feeling, glares. A lot of people will just throw lines of dialogue at readers without bothering with that sort of thing, which can work, but often doesn't. You didn't really spell out how we were supposed to perceive the characters, but it was there and mostly it fit in nicely, so well done there.

I would suggest starting off this chapter with a better description for Reed than just "he." ("Northwood won't be safe for us until dawn, we need to find a place to wait until then," he told her plainly, as if it should have been obvious.) Every time you start a new chapter, think of it as a new scene even if the new chapter takes off right where the last left off. It makes it a lot easier on readers when you go for a little while without updating, so it refreshes their memory, and also makes it easier for those doing the story / review game so they know who is who right off the bat, too. "He," just makes it a bit confusing.

Your dialogue tagging is a little off, too. You often write a sentence, and then end that sentence with a comma, leading it into dialogue. That's incorrect, unless the connecting sentence is a lead-in for the dialogue itself.

So Unbuckling his seatbelt, he turned his hazel eyes on hers in a hard stare, "Whether you want to admit it or not, I saved your life tonight." is technically incorrect.

But: Unbuckling his seatbelt, he turned his hazel eyes on hers in a hard stare and said, "Whether you want to admit it or not, I saved your life tonight." That is grammatically correct. It's the same when you go from dialogue, to narration, then back to dialogue.

"Why can't you just tell me what's going on now?" she asked, frowning, "And how exactly are you involved in this whole ordeal, anyway?

The "and" being capitalized is incorrect. You can write things like that, just keep to the rules of grammar: "Why can't you just tell me what's going on now?" she asked, frowning, "and how exactly are you involved in this whole ordeal, anyway?"

Sorry, I know I'm being nitpicky, but this stuff helps out for future reference a lot. XD.

There were some spelling and grammatical errors here and there (perhaps look into getting a beta-reader / editor for when you post new chapters?) but otherwise it was well-written, and the chapter itself had a steady, easy flow to it that I enjoyed. The dialogue was just a bit on the cliché side, but written well and not too forced. You've also got a good eye (mind?) for detail and describing it so that it doesn't weigh the reader down, but compliments the scene.

I would have liked to see a little more happen in this chapter besides just getting out of the car and checking in to the hotel, but the bickering between them was well-written (and humorous), so that did help to make up for it. Overall, well done. :)

I'm so sorry for the late review! I forgot about this!

Story review Game >> Chapter Six

Okay, so i read the summary, and it sounds truly good :)

Detective Thomas came out of the kitchen behind her and nodded in agreement, "Your friend just disappeared in the middle of the night from your house, no less... I think you should be here with your family right now. You need the support." >> This caught my attention, partly because I didn't read the previous chapters, but it also drew me in. I wanted to know what happened to the friend.

Her dark eyes narrowed on the detective. >> I don't know if it's just me, but i think her dark eyes narrowed at the detective sounds better??

The animal in him disliked the lack of overall bloodshed in the plan, but there was hardly enough true work for a pack warrior anymore, what with the steady decrease of organized vampire rebellion in the last century, so he was stuck doing reconnaissance missions just like everyone else. >> I liked this paragraph. I'm guessing he's either a vampire of a werewolf. I like this though :)


For Reed and several of his un-mated warrior brethren, the last century of peace was almost as torturous as the many preceding centuries of war. Their wolves had seen the heat of battle far too many times to forget the seduction of blood lust, it sang to them still. >> oh, so he's a werewolf. I'm not too fond of werewolf or vampire stories, but I actually kind of like this. I liked howy ou described how blood is too him. I like how you write over all, you have good vocabulary. I don't know if it's just me, but i think the part where it says "It sang to them still" should be changed to "it still sang to them." but it's up to you really.

Overall, I did not see any grammatical errors, or anything out of place. Good job!

Intense chapter, I'm looking forward to finding out where Harlyn is being taken away to.

I think it's pretty good, I was a bit confused as who Reed was at first, but it was all clarified in the end.

I like it really:)
I'm waiting for the next update:)

Story/Review game.
Newest chapter.

The three periods to separate space immediately through me off and I'm not a fan of it. I noticed it in your posts as well. It just makes me go... what?

There's a few mistakes with tagging your dialogue.
"Honey," Harlyn's mother opened [...]
There should be a period because what follows the dialogue isn't the dialogue tag, but a new sentence.
The same thing for the beginning. If it's "Her mother opened the door, "sweetie [...]", it should be a period.

I like the mother. She seems sweet and comforting and since i Haven't read the rest I felt like I got a pretty decent idea of what had happened. I just like the mother character because it seems like nice parents are overlooked in Mibba stories.

She didn't really want to talk to anyone about anything at the moment, especially not this.
I like this. It shows her and it's obvious, but it's nice that it was said. It's nice to see a glimpse into her emotional state.

The rest of the dialogue in the paragraph seemed fine, but this didn't seem like something a person her age, in her position would say: She seemed her usual self, comfortable and it looked like she was having a good time.

Is the girl just missing? If so, I don't think that they would be referring to her in past tense.

For the most part, the flow is great and the characters seemed really well done.

You've got raw talent. Just be aware that just because you've finished a chapter or section, that doesn't mean you're done with it.

Snap, now you've got me wondering if it really was The Watcher who kidnapped Amber :O.

I really love it so far, it's driving me nuts to find out what happened to Amber :P.

I really do like the second chapter as well. I only found two errors in this one.

Zack, Amber, and Maxwel assembled around the circular table. You misspelled Maxwell.

edge of the ally. alley, simple typo.

Keep up the good work, and keep me updated when you submit a new chapter.

I found it pretty amazing to be honest! I love how detailed everything is, I have found a few typos and found a few things that could be fixed, however.

"Wirey gray stress hairs had almost snuffed out all the remaining black curls on the head that poked over the banister from the second story that was reserved for antique, important, and expensive works Mike liked to keep out of general view, "Neither you nor Mike need to be worrying about me."

That part, in my opinion anyway, should have a period somewhere between Wirey and banister. It just seems I had to take a deep breath there. Perhaps you could put a period at banister and start a new phrase by saying "It was on the second story ..." and so on? Just an idea.

And another thing the part where it said: "...so she didn't have to walk too far." Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually doesn't it sound better by saying "so she didn't have too far to walk"?

The others were typos, simple things that you probably didn't see before :
"Oh, you know Julie wouldn't have a problem going on a head without me." It should be ahead, all in one word.

"Don't worry about it, Lyn!" Amber, the party girl that had insisted on becoming friends with her assured her, lifting her own plastic cup into the air for 'cheers'. I find that the description of Amber is a bit long and could be cut a bit. Then again, that is just my opinion.

"Your family's keept... Kept, small typo, everyone makes mistakes.

exactly what she'd laerned to expect from the two: learned, small typo again.

before she'd passed ou tin the guest room passed out, you probably just accidently hit the space bar,

he instructed, pointing, though she fuond it rather easily she found

There were only af ew presents left in the pile, a few, evil keyboard once again?

"Oh, Harlyn, you're goingto love it!" going to, just forgot a space.

Harlyn suspected taht it suspected that, little typo there as well.

find absolutely no use fore use for

with Julia's undeniable knowledge of fashion and access to it. Julia should be Julie, so I'm assuming, just a little mishap.

meant to ride lowon her calves low on

All in all, it was excellent, just next time you might want to do a quick spell check to avoid this. Sadly, you cannot edit out the story anymore, unless you delete the chapter and re-submit it. Oh and this was all in the first chapter, I am heading over to read the second one now :).