The Watchers - Comments

lol, I noticed in the second chapter that for italics you're trying to <i>. Know for Mibba, it's [ i ] and [ / i ]. xD

Also, these popped up twice: " &lt;br&gt; ". I'm not even going to pretend what those are, but they showed up between a few paragraphs. I just thought I'd let you know. (:

Still going strong, by the way. Too bad it's a short chapter. ): But I like hearing there are demons in this - always makes things more interesting!!

Thank you everyone for the wonderful comments and helpful criticism!

First off your summary is excellent. It makes the reader intrigued and want to continue on reading. Your writing is excellent and I can see everything that you describe from the gorgeous stranger to the hot atmosphere. There are a few grammar errors, for instance you sometimes use semicolons when there should just be colons, but that's all fixable. Otherwise great job and I can't wait to see what happens next!

I'm from comment swap, and I'm sooo glad that it brought me here!
I love your story! The way you described everything was perfect. I could picture exactly what was going on, including how the man looked. It also made me wonder just what was going to happen next. c:
You got yourself another subscriber!
Keep up the good work. This story is great.

I got this from the comment swap. And I have to say, this was terribly interesting and very well written! I loved the descriptions and how you wrote them, you made the whole story so easy to imagine. Well done! You got me intrigued. Definitely subscribing ;).

um..I did come from the comment swap thing but I don't care! This story seems amazing and there was no grammar mistakes which are such turn offs to me. The first chapter was amazing and very detailed: ) Please update soon♥

found via comment swap.
your summary is fantastic, and i loved how you described the weather in the first paragraph. although i have one problem. "..soak through her regulation; white blouse..." there should be a comma in between regulation and white, not a semi colon. other than that, its great! :)

First, your summary was very interesting. It drew me in pretty well and made me want to read the piece. This confuses me though:

"Ignoring the accumulating perspiration, and hoping that it wouldn’t soak through her regulation; white blouse, Riley looked up, smiled brightly, prepared to take the order, and froze." Was that semicolon supposed to be there? Same with, "meet his impossibly bright; sky blue ones."

The first chapter was really interesting! I can't help but wonder what this attractive guy is that terrifies Riley so badly. You describe wonderfully, and your style flows.

Update soon - I can't wait for more.

First of all, your details and your introduction to your character and situation are fantastic. And I love the way you give a little bit of information without giving it all away up front. You suck the reader in, And your story itself sounds like it's interesting. All in all, this is really good.