July 18th, 2008 at 02:16am
Once more, kudos :cute:
Makeout Club - Comments
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You always say that.
Once more, kudos :cute: July 17th, 2008 at 12:23pm -
your comment is better than my entire story -laughs-
ily <33July 17th, 2008 at 10:53am -
-sigh- I never want to comment your stories, I'll be totally honest. They're like prayer. Or abuse. Or sex. Reading puts you right there in their world, and everything is personal. And sharing that is... awkward, painful, maybe shameful. -shrug-
Like as I read I can feel my face twisting up, soft sad smile, pained grimace, steely, hurt. Flicking between those and then some.
Firstly I both like and greatly approve the idea of doing a sequel, that chapter ended with such a tone that - it was like the book snapping shut, but not so much a snap - a dull, decisive thud. Muffled cause it's an old and heavy story. And isn't it, aren't any with relationships and fuckups and pain. So start a sequel. Leave this one, and let the characters leave this one. Room to make new choices or new mistakes.
The first paragraph was superb. Superb, of course it is, it's your work. -smile-
But the way you wrote that, it was like watching someone explaining a mess - with their hands - you know how some people talk with their hands? - and they put forward one finger, then linked it with another, then linked those with others, until their fingers were interlocked, neatly but haphazardly too.
-shakes head-
Mmmm. Web of lies. -smile- Those things are rough.
That second paragraph, the short one, that was - :think: different. Less controlled. More emotional. You could imagine some of the sentences coming out cold, rejecting emotion - and others as if they were choked out instead of tears. Like the expletive spat out at the end.
legs crossed, knee's poking out
I like the mention that her legs are in fact not open
He didn't mind, he wished the numbness to go deeper with its pins and needles and sting him right in the heart.
): -nod- I like that sentence.
About here I'd like to compliment the point of view. Third person with some limitations of omniscience? :shifty
It works well. -nod-
So now Brendon is taking her away.
And it's not musings on the past, it's now. It's the cumulation of events. -nod- precisive decisive concisive.
And you - you hypocritical fuck," she spat her words out, not being able to get them out quick enough,
you can hear her run out of breath
"how dare you take me away, when you're almost just as bad, just as bad, Brendon!"
-sigh- gah. The word "wails" always to me bespeaks despair that outstrips any other way you could describe it. Wails. It's painful.
"Shut the fuck up Druscilla. If you kept your knees together we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place."
Again the reference to her knees. It contrasts with earlier. I liked that. -nod-
he really genuinely hated her
omgno: .... :/
William.
:think:
I don't know how I feel about the ending. I've gone through the chapter a few times now, gone through the lines, tried reading between them. -laugh-
-pause- Hmm. I just, I want to snap at William for the "disapproving but understanding" look, it just felt so ... kind of contemptuous and condescending. I like the sort of enigmatic nature of this... rehab centre; it's William, it's a house in suburbia, it had such a subtextual intensity, a building up discomfort and panic (!) (lol) towards it. Because the whole drive was talking about other things than, specifically, the place they were going - as Dru puzzles, it wasn't a "whitewashed nut-house" at all. That's the forbidding image we got through the whole thing, even though that moment, near the end, is the only time the image is addressed with visual imagery (rather than the atmosphere created for it).
Uhmmmm. :oops: Yeah.
Very little of that seems to be about the story
I hate writing story comments ._. -runs-July 17th, 2008 at 10:24am -
It's been ages, guys, sorry.
This isn't the end, I think I will work on a sequel instead.
<33July 17th, 2008 at 08:47am -
He was whispering the Lords Prayer. Her body retracted slightly when he put his palm on her stomach.
Religion in a story when a story isn't religious [as a main genre, I mean] is so touching and beautiful. It shows a lot about a character.
I also loved the part about my/Dru's fingertips being raw. And the sex/name of the baby.
I also loved the complexity in Brendon and Dru's relationship. He's gay. I was gay. Relationships that are complex and don't make sense logically are beautiful.
You're beautiful.
And this is, most definitely, beautiful<333March 27th, 2008 at 06:01pm -
Chapter four.
This is getting harder to write.March 27th, 2008 at 07:51am -
I like this.March 3rd, 2008 at 01:30am
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Sorry it took a few days. I kept meaning to and then kept getting dizzy or making icons or something. 9_9
The ones on her arm, Shalisa suspected, weren't entirely from the accident.
I blinked. Hard. Twice. I'm sure I know why that line stuck out must and then at the same time I'm sure there's something underlying in my head that I don't as well.
I really like this update. I love Shalisa screaming at Gabe because, well, she loves Dru and it is his fault. It's sharp, not like a razor but like a jagged piece of ice.
And Gabe is so... I mean, he's a total asshole but I actually like him in this. Not his character, but the way you created him. It's different and I really like it. I'm intrigued deeply.
-kissies-
Lovely update, darling.February 2nd, 2008 at 02:15am -
OhmiGod.
This is so not right.
And it's so. fucking. good.
It just makes me feel so much.
I feel so bad for Shal in the story. She shouldn't be taking care of Dru.
And Will and Shal... it's like... ohgod.
And Dru's just...
I love how messed up it is.
And how you are so unapologetic about making it so fucked up.
It's beautiful.
This is a beautiful story.December 11th, 2007 at 12:27pm -
Updated.
:cute:December 11th, 2007 at 08:34am -
Damn Shalisa, you've done it again.
I love love lovee the adjectives. :]December 8th, 2007 at 04:44pm -
This story really spurred something inside me.
The adjectives made me feel like I was actually there.
I fucking love it.
-suscribes-December 7th, 2007 at 08:00pm -
I loved it.
The dialogue, especially Shal's side of it, was intense - she used words sparingly and with effect. The descriptions, too, were succinct but full of imagery.
-grin- "Adorable." Rather than, say, "cute". Which was of course fitting with the style of language. -laughs-
mysterious dark eyes that no one really got a chance to look into.
One of my favourite lines. It just ... rolls nicely. Smoothly. Enchanting.
Alix made out with Dru at a party? :tehe: -murmured- Nice job.
The second part, while individually the sentences were charming,
that night when they...
"Yeah, sure," she shrugged
and
Shalisa's words were surpassing the iciness around them
being two particularly excellent ones; it has an overall feeling of - nervousness? or hesitation?, Shalisa's unhappy mood reflected in dialogue and general atmosphere. The lines were almost jarring in some spots, but it aided the character and story feeling, or depth.
Then the return, and Shal's anger - that was written well, not overdone or overplayed, but rising in hysterics / fear as her worry for her guardian mounts. The love between them is obvious - very sweetly written (:
It builds empathy, we care about characters that care about each other.
Con/crit? When it says Dru "sprinted" to the bathroom - I don't know, I guess I was expecting more of a staggering movement? And there are some very minor grammar errors [e.g. "Why do you wear you're lippy like that?"].
I love how everything is this colourful mess, people, clothing, drugs, drinking; the energy in the story, the vibe, lends as much as the plot does to the success. The insinuations - the knife, the tensions in character relations - also deepen the chapter.
So ... that was my attempt at an ok comment. I loved it, I've recced it, I'm subscribed and I'm looking forward to more.December 6th, 2007 at 06:36am -
I love this.
I really, truly, love this.
It's beautiful.
It's absolutely fucking beautiful.
And it's not just because we're in it, even though that makes it more beautiful to me.
It's a beautiful story with the love between Shalisa and Dru and Shalisa and Will.
And the hatred of Gabe from Shalisa is only better because it's her love for Dru causing it.
<333
"Nice to see you're wearing underwear today, sweetie."
You would so say that to me, wouldn't you?
:tehe:December 5th, 2007 at 06:46am -
For Dru.
Happy reading.
<33December 4th, 2007 at 08:35pm
Thrust straight into emotions.
It's not even about the plot or the story or the characters so much.
It's all about the emotions, the feelings, the blood dripping from a cut.
I feel like the story is a pane of glass and that pane of glass has been pushed and broken.
Each broken piece is a character.
And each piece is covered in blood from where the reader has stepped on it barefoot.
I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the only way I can describe it.
It hurts to read.
It hurts because it's me and you and these people we care about.
And then it just hurts.
It gets inside of your skin and slices your veins open.
It's a real ache when I read.
A physical ache.
In the best possible way.