A Beautiful Moment Amongst The Rain - Comments

i saw your journal post [= i always like the style of your stories but kinda find them hard to get into... but this, this is amazing! i really like the story layout, its cool.

as a bi girl, im annoyed that i missed being in your survey XD but it really works. the its wrong, the never me, the what if i make a fool of myself first move XD (tbh, i dont care if its wrong, i IS me, and i made a complete and utter fool of myself but it didnt matter. she was in fact straight. haha)

so yeah, this is a really fantastic story, i love it *subscribes* ive always been shit at constructive critisism, but youve captured the characters, their problems or lack of problems in andreas case, its very believable. gotta admit i saw the best friend bit coming tho... but i would have been disapointed if it wasnt in there, its awesome.

=]

I have thoughts about what's gonna happen in the next few chapters. :tehe:
But I'm not gonna say...

It's getting really good so far. I could relate a lot with the last chapter, because I went through kind of the same thing when I was questioning. Accept, well, I didn't have anyone to help me through but....

yeah.

Really good. More soon?

LIZZY! STOP! IF SHE WANTS TO LOVE ANDREA YOU SHOULD SUPPORT THAT!

Lizzy needs to shut up and go away!

Powerful update!

It's amazing so far, and a lot of it is easy to relate to. I know I can relate to it.
Either way, I love it so far.
More soon?

Great job!
Ouch! I've stepped on a nail before and had it go through my foot...not a pretty thing.

daaaamn...I'm gonna keep it brief, cause the one above me is gonna make ur brain hurt...I agree with most of her points, tho, just FYI...anyway...yeah for me the punctuation was a bit annoying...commas missing, some in wrong places...if you want just message me back and I'll be more specific...but i love the sense of longing, and almost a tone of desperation to hold onto the past. The story definitely has potential. Good luck, and keep it up. ;)

Mmm I saw your journal post and thats how I ended up in here. I dont really read a lot of stories but your work is always interesting. And I hate to be one of those people who read and dont comment- so here it goes.
First cut the crap like you went on about in your journal. There is no right person to 'represent a genre'. Look at Harry Potter. A story about a teenage boy that was written by a middle aged woman! If anything it speaks tremendously about your ability as writer if you can pull this off. Its easy to write what you know, but harder to create something from scratch. That being said.
So far what you have is interesting. The summary page is great. You might want to consider though adding a star at the bottom with like a disclaimer that says contains femmeslash cause some people are funny about that. But whatever. Its not mandatory -just polite.
Chapter one was good. It was still kinda like a summary but not really. It always worries me when something starts and its got the phrase 'not have a chance to say goodbye'... But its not just that wording, theres other bits that alludes that this is gonna end tragically (yay! I love tragedy lol) But theres several 'alarming' references like that and there just vague enough to not have too much attention drawn to them. its a good balance.
This line here though, about the something beautiful amongst the ugly. Feels like its missing a word at the end... or it should be ugliness... cause the first half talks about the canvas representing her life and without another noun or I dont know the technical terms but it feels like ugly is still refering to the canvas cause theres no other noun. When Im assuming you mean the 'ugly' being a noun itself, like the ugly is the world. (and its true) But still, the flow is a little off and it would have a greater impact (in my opinion at least) if it was expanded on. something beautiful amongst the ugly that we call this world. or just amounst the ugliness. I dont know...
Then the next paragraph, about running through life with no direction. That was great but once more the last sentence felt incomplete. you say 'I ran as fast as I could until I had no more colors or ideas.' Leaves me wondering 'and then what?' I mean did she stop running? how long did she run for? especially cause of how the next paragraph starts. But I met you. she says. and then she goes on to describe how great things became. which would mean my assumptions from the last paragraph were correct but it left me an uneasy feeling that like it wasnt all out there. Which is rough. especially in the first chapter i hate to have to make assumptions on the characters with out 'knowing' them...
And then Im also a bit confused about who shes narrating to. I LOVE the end lines where she says I'll show you. that felt like she was directing it at the auidience cause wouldnt her lover know what happens? See Im not sure cause the next chapter she then again refers to her 'lover' and that works perfectly. Is the story going to be told like that? Like her remembering shit and telling her lover this. (in my mind I envision some tragic scene where the girl is lying dying maybe from some hate crime or what not and shes talking to her trying to keep her holding on - I mean they say to do that when someones close to the edge like that, to give them hope to hang on) But I dont know. I have an active imagination so I can be waaaaay off base. anyway-
if thats how you want the tone to be her narrating as such then the first chapters ending is off. You can make the first chapter be more of a prologue directed at the audience just change that line that says I met you to I met her, or if you dont want to say its a her then you can say the one, hmmm maybe if thats the effect you want to go for you know not revealing that shes with a girl then maybe the femmeslah warning at the beginning is a bad idea... (i dont know)
My only quarrel is really with this narrative thing. Like if shes talking to her girl then why would she by like telling her what color eyes she had, ( i think the girl would know that). You would need to re phrase it slightly. Cause the person shes talking to knows all this. you have to cleverly include the details for the reader to see with out outright telling them. its a tricky thing but some parts of it you nailed and others fell flat.
But Im gonna stop going on about it cause like I said I dont know who shes narrating to, i just know you cant have it to be both the reader and the girl.Unless you can some how blend the two together. Like have the entire chapter be about her talking to the reader and then the last lines would have to be quotes. Like actual dialog where she says to the girl do you remember any of that-
you know what Im saying?
Oh and sorry Im like spamming up your page once more.
But I am gonna subscribe.

I really like this so far.

It's amazing and extreamly well written.
Can't wait for more.
*subscribes*

oh so cute. ♥ Sammy, you do such a great job.

That was amazing.

I subscribed to it.

VinceNoir.Supastar!:

Loved the new chapter........the last sentance was really powerful...
I love it

Yeah it was. I like how the last sentence is a very powerful one that really makes you think. Not only about the story but about yourself.

Great update! I'm really looking forward to the next one.

Loved the new chapter........the last sentance was really powerful...
I love it

Sam! I just love this story! It's fucking amazing! I hope to read more soon. It's me Dana. I just changed my username again. That's where boredom gets you.

I really like this....your stories/poems/writing in general is so amazing and mysterious.......I am subscribing for my mental health

:shock: This is great!