Pandemonium - Comments

<3 From one writer to another, you're very talented. keep it up.

Thank you, I really appreciate that! I'm crazy anal about which words I use, I guess I can say that's a good thing now.

I'll also apply the tip you gave me, it looks a lot better that way.

Oh my fricking god.
Screw cheesy romance, this is really intense. I so want to know what happened.
I have to admit, with the way you presented your story, I wasn't really expecting much from it. Then I started reading, and your sentence structure is very strong, your vocabulary is diverse and interesting, and you really create a clear image in the reader's mind. A tip:

“Your hair, you cut it.” Jack said quite bluntly, moving towards the young woman who sat on the floor whose attire, that included a short sleeved shirt, suggested she was unaffected by the cold. “Hey, stranger!” She said, flashing him a smile.

The paragraph should be arranged differently, so that the reader is a little less confused at the get go. Try this:

Jack moved towards the young woman who sat on the floor whose attire, that included a short sleeved shirt, suggested she was unaffected by the cold. He said quite bluntly, "Your hair, you cut it."

“Hey, stranger!” She said, flashing him a smile.

I sense a lot of back-story that's hinted at in this first chapter, and it really makes me want to read more. xD PLEASE POST MORE. <3

It looks very intresting. I like your use of words that you used in it. I am Curious about Jack and Allison's (I'm not sure if I spelled it right) realationship in the past.

Thanks! I hope to get to work on the next chapter ASAP.

This did seem like a cheesy romance at first. xD Now it's playing out like a mystery to me. I'd love to read more and see what has gotten Jack's foot in the past. (I think I worded that wrong, I'd like to see what's holding Jack back from change(?) is what I mean.)

(: