June 18th, 2012 at 04:48pm
But when new variables are thrown into the equation, such as the Board, whom takes a special and frightening notice of her in their omniscient and anonymous way, Adam and Melissa, who both have more secrets than they can bare and the mysterious and murderous Arta lurking in their wake, Claire is more afraid, uncomfortable and nervous than she ever has been before. - that is one heck of a long and confusing sentence. I'd definitely break that up and make it easier to follow.
Also, chapter titles should probably just be "Chapter One" etc, and not the name of the story. And "Chapter One" shouldn't be in the actual story content, because it's already at the top of the chapter page, in the chapter title area.
That was a pretty intense chapter. Good start to a story :)
And this is all in the name of positive criticism. I promise. :)
Firstly, your summary rambles a little. The first and last section is beautifully written but when it goes into explaining about the Board, characters Adam, Arta and Melissa is where you start to lose your flow. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you’ve managed to use one sentence and turn it into one huge paragraph. Don’t worry too much about that. Just change it around a little and you’ll be fine.
A few times throughout, you’ve used the bold font. (I think you used it once or twice in the first chapter to get across that Adam wasn’t really human.) I suggest using italics for that only because when reading, my eyes went straight to the bold words which then made me lose my place.
There’s a few grammar mistakes here and there but other then that, you’re completely fine. *Swallowed. Also, try not to use so much exclamation marks. Your readers will get that whatever point you’re trying to make after the mark has been used. (yelled, cried, growled etc.) There’s a few grammatical mistakes, just with apostrophes though.
Another tip is spacing. Your text is a little bunched together and it’s hard to read when it’s like that. Don’t worry, if you check my story out - I had the EXACT same problem. It wasn’t exactly bad in the before chapters, but in Chapter Six, it looks like one huge paragraph and despite my best efforts, I did skim that chapter.
Also. a few words are missing in your text. It’s not noticeable but what I do is after initially writing the chapter, I read what I’ve written out loud. Any spelling or missed words will stick out like a sore thumb.
Try not to use text speak. Though it’s only one word, it literally catches the eye. “Omigosh”
Refrain from using the same verbs in each chapter. Your use of ‘cried’ is getting repeated in nearly every chapter. Don’t worry though, repetition is a writer’s nightmare. If you ever get stuck, use the word ‘cried’ and use a thesaurus.
Despite a few tweaks here and there, I’m honestly glad that I’ve read this. Your story should definitely be viewed a lot more than what it already has been since it's something I've personally never read before. I love your characters, your way of pulling your reader into this intoxicating world you've Created. Heh, get it?
Keep up the awesome work!
One Love,
Keeta. <3