Love the story more please.
July 2nd, 2011 at 04:09pm
I like the idea and story but it's kind of hard reading it without the paragraphing (AKA. double spaced lines).
Also, it gives the readers interest when it is one story at a time. For instance, chapter one would be all about Leah & Matt. Chapter two is Camille & Brian. Things like that. But if you want it to be five parts in one, that's good but I think it would be really long considering your chapters mostly consist of dialogue.
Since they are all in first person point of view, the chapters need you to write (A7X Wife's POV). My suggestion would be to write the entire chapters in third person point of view. You can define one character's thoughts that way. Think of it like Harry Potter (granted if you've ever read it). It's written in third person point of view, but the idea is all about Harry's view, as if someone followed Harry around and documented everything regarding thoughts, emotions, actions.
Example:
"Guys, the bus is here," Leah heard Matt say.
He owned that kind of powerful and dominant voice that echoed throughout the entire house, no doubt alerting their children know what was happening.
This is never fun. Leah thought. Ever.
She was already extremely stressed out to begin with and her husband leaving for tour wasn't helping one bit. Their son, Jordan, was already downstairs playing Rock Band. The five year-old paused it to run toward his dad and embraced him in a tight hug.
"I'm gonna miss you, Dad." He said.
Matt pecked his forehead, "I'm gonna miss you too, sport."
[/end example]
These are just suggestions as I'm not saying I'm the best writer ever or anything, but this is what I think will improve the appearance of it (at least in my eyes). If you choose to not do one chapter for each family, you can also separate the points of view with an asterisk (*). As seen like this:
This is the ending line of one of the wives. Boom. End.
*
This is the beginning of another wife point of view. Boom. Got it? (:
I love your story and would like to see the format of the writing improve :3 Keep it up (:
*subscribes*
