Lolita Love Story - Comments

Comment swap -

First off, I loved the summary. It drew me in. I wasn't a big fan of the layout, but to each their own. I loved your characters, you made them seem so realistic, it was like I was reading a book or something. My only problem is that your chapters are too short! But again, that's my opinion.
You've done a great job with this so far!

I loved your update! I cannot wait to read more :)

Immediately I was drawn into this piece, just your description. Honestly this sounds like a traditional story just by the description. Its beautifully done.
I also loved the way you made the story flow between the harshness of the boys soul, contrasting deeply with the female.
I didn't particularly like the layout, but thats not the be all and end all! the story is definitely so fantastic I couldn't care less about a layout! You are very talented! Well done! thank you comment swap!

I wish Mibba had an option to add stories to a favorites folder. I'd so add this one to mine if I had one!

I still love this story! But I can't read it with the layout you currently have >_<

sooooooooooooo goooood! update soon!

ps. check out my story, Lonely Girl. I’d love to get some feed back (:

Not a comment swap actually :p I stumbled upon this and love it :) I hope you continue! I love the whole idea of the story. I also appreciate the definitions at the end of the chapter (I wish I knew japanese). I'm curious to see what becomes of everyone! Keep up the great work-I'm subscribed :)

Comment Swap!

Okay, from the summary I felt myself getting curious as to what's going to happen with the characters and where the plot was going to go. I love the amount of description that you have put into each of the characters, it shows that you have a good sense on what you want the readers to see when they read this story.

As I'm on my phone, I can't really give an opinion on the layout as it doesn't show up. Altogether though, I like this. I don't read much Original Fiction, I'm mostly into band fiction but this is great, well done!

[comment swap]

First things first, the layout is a tad on the side of obnoxious. But I guess it works with the style of the story so I guess it's fine.

Okay, so the summary is a bit much. I don't want to sound rude, but there is a Character's page for a reason, so put that information there. The summary should be about the story, not the characters. The last two lines would be a perfect summary, not too much, not too little. So preferably get rid of that stuff above it and put in the Character section.

And now the first chapter! So I've got a couple of things to point out and fix, there are others but these ones stood out the most.

"As he looked up, he made a strange expression at his reflection." - it just sounds like an awkward sentence, maybe change it to, "he made a face at his reflection".

"His bone structure was always slight and delicate, resembling a boy’s more than a man’s, though in proportion to itself, it was fully mature." - There are too many commas and this sentence could be split in two. Also for "His bone structure was always slight and delicate" change it to, "his bone structure had always been slight and delicate".

"It gave silently under his weight." - This sentence doesn't make much sense. When you say something "gave" under a weight, it means that it fell or broke. For example: The bridge gave way under the extra weight, bringing down hundreds of screaming tourists to the icy waters below.

"sedentary" - In context, the word doesn't make any sense. Try something more like, still or statue-like.

Overall, it was a pretty good chapter but it definitely needs to be proof-read again. There are minor grammar and sentence-structure errors all over the place. And for punctuation, focus on using less commas! There are too many run-on sentences that could easily be turned into two separate sentences.

(:

Comment swap!

I really like how original the story is. I haven't read one like it. You had a really good character page too. I didn't see any mistakes. Very detailed, but not too much detail.

And that little page divider is adorable.

Good job, I'm off to read the sequel. ^-^

So far I have read two chapters and I love your writing. I'm not very crazy with the Japanese words but is a nice touch. I'm liking the story so far, hope it gets better.

Comment swap sent me here;;
Not going to lie, when I came here, I had no clue what to expect. But I loved this. Your grammar and detail use was perfect and I didn't find anything wrong with it. I loved this! Keep it up, buttercup. :)

This is REALLY good. Your grammar is pretty much perfect and I love how you manage to change the tone for each POV while keeping good diction.

I've only read two chapters so far, so the only criticism I can make is that I thought Chan was used for friends of the same age. So her grandmother wouldn't call her Sai-Chan. But I get my info on this stuff from my American friends who only happen to read manga, so I may be wrong.

I like your characters, and how they're clearly beautiful but not flawless. That's a nice change from what I'm used to seeing on Mibba.

Keep it up!

Oh shoot. THANK YOU COMMENT SWAP. I love unique stories like this. This reminds me of an anime I saw... but I can't pinpoint what it is right now. Either way, I've never read a story so captivating. I love this and it deserves more comments, more recognition. The ending to chapter one was abrupt and sad, but being the way he is, it would make sense to keep it like that. And I like her, she's cutesy and the summary was enticing, if I may add. Keep it up, my fellow writer. Carry on. ^^